What I learned this week:  This is a follow up to last week's episode about fostering new friendships.  This doesn't mean we may not have times when we feel lonely and I loved what I learned from Ellen Hendriksen about what to do when we are feeling lonely.  

First I really like the definition of loneliness : "loneliness is perceived social isolation. It’s “perceived” because we can feel totally alone in the midst of a crowd, or we can feel connected and supported even when when we’re by ourselves.” - Ellen Hendriksen 

She also points out that most of the time it is a perceived loneliness that also can then perpectuated, She mentioned this study (from a newsletter I received from her) that many times when we are feeling lonely we also are looking for negative interactions  “…researchers used eye-tracking technology to see what the study participants focused on. Lonely individuals immediately fixated on the negative interactions. They picked up on signs of potential rejection right away, perhaps better to avoid it and protect themselves. “

“ Here’s the kicker: even though lonely people anticipate rejection, a number of other studies find they don’t get rejected out of hand. Instead, the expectation of rejection leads to avoidance or half-hearted attempts at socializing, which in turn sends the message to others that they’re not interested or don’t want to be there. The mixed messages leave others unsure what to do. Basically, it’s a big misunderstanding on both sides.”

Here are some of her suggestions as to what to do when you are feeling lonely and you want to connect with someone: 

1. Pick up where you left off - reconnect with neglected circles. Reconnect with people you have felt you lost touch with - online first and then in person.  “If you’re hesitant to contact someone after some time away, turn the tables. How would you react if they contacted you? Probably delighted. Assume the same for them and reach out.”

2. Keep showing up - join a ready made group.  A class or a book club and stick with it for a session or at least 3- 4 months.  After that you can decide it’s not for you. “Repetition is key. The biggest reason people are friends? Yes, it’s their love of water polo or geocaching or competitive dog grooming, but it’s also the sheer repetition of seeing each other week after week.”

3. Take on a leadership role.  This is particularly good for people who are shy because it requires less social improvising.  You have a role and can do the duties and have a reason to connect with people even it if is just to remind them of their dues. 

4. Use each bout of loneliness as a cue to make social plans.   I really like this idea - when you are feeling lonely, reach out to someone to set up a time to get together because then you will have something to look forward to.

I also loved a few ideas that I found from this article about recommendations when you are feeling lonely. There are more but here are the ones I liked to most;

1.Call you mom!   Yes - we love it!

2. volunteer - be surrounded by people who also want to help others 

3. Start a mini book club - Call a friend or two - tell them about a book you want to read together and then get together to talk about it together. 

4. Facetime or call a loved one

5.  Talk to strangers - This might be a bit out of the comfort zone but go to a restaurant, cafe, library, and stand in a long line and talk to strangers. 

This other article titled 5 ways to reach out when you feel lonely also had some good suggestions. 

"Since many of us don’t want to feel needy we sometimes wait for the other person to call."  

1. She suggests to invite to do something you are already planning on doing.  

Hey I will be in that part of town want to meet up for coffee - or have an extra ticket to this event want to come?  I am going here tomorrow - do you want to join me?

2. Acknowledge what is going on with them -  I know you are busy with work, could we find a time to hang out.   

3. Turn it into a thoughtful act.  Drop by dinner.  Notice their favorite show is on - do they want to watch or a walk or hike together.   It can also help you feel like it is not all about you and your needs but that you are thinking of the other person. 

4. Or just be super transparent about your  needs.  Hey I have been stuck in my own world for a while. Would you like to do something? 

5. Send a text, meme or something interesting to someone just as a way to reach out and connect.

Then I loved these last two quotes from the article which leans to the idea that building friendships is a skills that we work on .  

‘It’s really crucial to recognize that relationship-building skills are still skills,” says Dr. Kirmayer. “So the more you practice it, the more comfortable you become.” And chances are, the more you do it, the more concrete evidence you’ll get that people truly do enjoy hearing from you and hanging out with you, and that doesn’t actually make you needy. 

“When we initiate, we're letting someone know that we’re open to connection,” says Dr. Kirmayer. “And if we can get in the habit of reaching out and asking for support, that ideally encourages the other person to do that with us. You can really kick off a positive cycle of increasing transparency and closeness.”

I love this idea of kicking off a positive cycle of increasing transparency and closeness.