What I learned:  This week I continue talking and learning from the book, "I don't have to make everything all better" by Gary B. and Joy Saunders Lundberg.  This week I talk about principles 3 & 4.

Principle 3:  ACKNOWLEDGE EMOTIONS

"We all have emotions and many people have not learned how to recognize them, feel safe to express them, feel okay that it is okay to feel what they are feeling rather having someone else tell them an acceptable feeling, it doesn’t matter what they feel or emotions are bad."  (p45)

"To get to the basics he mentions we all have four basic emotions: mad, sad, glad and afraid.  And that you may feel a combination of these emotions at a given time."

“The important thing to know is we all have emotions and we can feel more than one emotion at a time.  They are there whether we recognize it or not.  Nobody needs to wait for permission to feel, because the emotions are there. The sooner we recognize them, the better off we are.”  (p46)

One suggestions that he made was to make sure to check in with your emotions regularly.  So you can being to be aware of your emotions and then you can do the same with you family and friends. 

Principle 4:  LEARN THE ART OF LISTENING

“Two of the greatest principles I have learned are (1) I do not have the power to make anything all better for anybody, and (2) I am not responsible to solve the problems of everybody else. Too often when someone begins to tell us a problem, the internal thought process immediately begins to make us feel the pressure of being responsible to solve the problem and to make everything all better for that person.  Feeling responsible, we try to come up with a solution for each aspect of the problem while it is being related and thus miss some of the information.”

We can become better listeners when we realize we don't have to solve anything - and just find out more information using good questions.  Reflect on your intent and use words like, how, what, when where do and is.  

Four basic rules of validation:  LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN, and UNDERSTAND

1- LISTEN to what is being said and the events being related.  Give you full attention

2 - LISTEN to the feeling being expressed

3- LISTEN to the needs being expressed

4- UNDERSTAND by putting yourself in their shoes as best you can.

They also suggest using operative listening.  Instead of simply repeating what someone has said, pay attention to them and find a key word then rephrase what you think they said with that key word.  SO for instance if someone says I am feeling very sad, you could say, what is causing your sadness?  Another example: My children are having such a hard time.  The operative word is hard time.  Then you can say, Oh, I am sorry to hear that.  " What are they having a hard time over?” 

“In the next conversation you have with someone today, listen by giving your full attention.  If you start to formulate any answer while they are talking, refocus your mind to listen completely.  One of the greatest compliments you can give to another person is your complete attention.” (74)