What I learned this week:  This week I was reminded that making friends is a skill that we can learn.  So when you hear your children and youth say that they can't make friends, let them know it is something everyone can do.  Because we all need connection.  

“To sum it up, making friends consists mostly of overcoming inertia - both other’s and our own.  Assuming someone is friendly to begin with, repetition, disclosure, and taking the initiative hammer out a solid friendship that will stand the test of time.”  - Ellen Hendricksen from How to Be Yourself.  

Notice the people that you see the most, then work on taking it to the next level by sharing a little more of yourself with them each time and see if they are willing to share too.  And then make sure they know that you like them or want them as a friend.  That is a bit of a review from the book and from Episode 83 which is about Cultivating Friendships.  

Understanding how much to disclose and why is also something I learned.  Ellen Hendriksen shared 3 reasons why disclossure is good in a newsletter I got from.  

Reaason 1 - It builds trust

 “When we share about our lives, it signals to the listener that we trust them.”  - Ellen Hendriksen

Reason 2 - sharing about yourself builds likeability for you and them.

“Don’t take it from me, take it from **science**: a meta-analysis in the prestigious Psychological Bulletin found that people who disclose about more personal topics tend to be liked more than people who disclose more superficially. Bonus! It also works in the opposite direction: we like people as a result of having disclosed to them. Sharing really is the gift that keeps on giving.” - Ellen Hendriksen.

Reason 3 - Sharing is thoughtful and polite.  It can help the person in the conversation for they don't have to work as hard.  When each person is sharing the conversation is easy and doesn't feel like an interview.  

Another questions from a different newsletter asked what to do when you feel anxiety about saying the wrong thing in a conversation.  Ellen shared that it is important to focus on connection rather than a perfect performance.  That if you have anxiety about saying the wrong thing, lower your expectations for the conversations so you don't think everything has to be perfect.  And the last thing she shared is that your body language says a lot.  So if you are giving off a warm and open vibe then a few mistakes won't really matter all that much.   “Focus on connecting with the other person rather than monitoring your words, and you'll come across as more authentic and likeable, not to mention feeling less anxious and more comfortable.”  Ellen Hendriksen

I really like this article which said we can make new friends and treat it similar to how we would treat dating.  List what things you like in a new friends

• What kind of person do you love hanging out with?

• What made a childhood friendship so special? 

• What kind of person fits well with your personality?

• What activities would you love to have a partner for?

Find a place where you might find that friend or think of acquaintances that might also be turned into good friends.

Then she says friend flirting - maybe that is similar to disclosure.  

See if you like the same things

See if you have similar values

Then also tap into your feelings - do you feel good when you are with them?

“Do you laugh with them? Do they make you feel excited? Intrigued? Engaged? You want people who make you feel good”

Then after the “flirty” or getting to know a little better now you ask them out on a date.

She suggests 4 things that helps

Something Old - do you have a favorite restaurant that you would like to take a new friend to or if it comes up in a conversation - boom see if that want to meet there.

Something New - try something new together.  A workout class, a book, or a new skill see if that friend will do something new

Something Borrowed - Is there something you really like that someone has - see if you can borrow it. Or offer something you like to someone else - or teach them a skill have them over.  

Something Blue - Sharing something sad with someone to show if they have staying power.  Be honest about how you're feeling and they might be able to help or you can see how they react.  She shares a story about how she was freaking out about her wedding dress and asks a new friend to come with her for a fitting.  

Then I also liked this article about tips on how to make friends. 

1. Go first and put yourself out there

2. Be intentional about staying connected

3. Focus on being a good friend

4. Ask your friends to introduce their friends

5. Invite people over for coffee, dinner or playdates

6. Ask people if they want to be friends (and see what happens)

7. Figure out what you like to do and then do it with other people

8. Plan adventures and invite others to join

9. Say yes to invitations

10. Be patient with the process