What I learned this week:  This week I read and talked about chapter 14, most of which was a review about all that the parents in the story have learned so far during their first day. 

One question that is a good one to ponder is :  “If we can do almost any outward behavior with our hearts either at peace or at war, why should we care which way we are being? Does it matter?” (187)

Carol shares that she is learning that it is important is you heart is at war or at peace as she shares how she has been doing all of the 'right' things to take care of her son but inside she has been warring at him.  Which then she thinks that is why she may be in the i-deserve box and she shares how Cory has noticed the way of being and sometimes had called her out on it.  She then shares how she also feels like she is also in the worse-than box because her heart has been at war with son Cory and she has not loved him like she thinks a mother should.  

Lou argues who wouldn’t be under the circumstances and she tells him we can’t be like that because then we are all doomed.  “That’s to say our entire experience, even our thoughts and feelings, are controlled and caused by others.  It’s to believe that we’re not responsible for who we’ve become.” (189)

Then as Lou keeps wanting to blame Cory she says “But in the world you describe, Lou, he can’t be responsible.  If we can’t be expected to react to a heart that’s at war with anything but warring hearts ourselves, how can we expect or demand that he act any differently to us, when our hearts too are warring? (189-90)

Yusuf steps into the argument and tells Lou that Carol is not letting Cory detroy their family and she is also not taking responsibility for his stealing and drug use.  What she is responsible for is her way of being - her thoughts and feelings.  And she learns this because she doesn't have any of the worse-than or i-deserve feelings towards Cory or Lou as they are having that discussion.  

Yosuf points out “No one, whatever their actions, can deprive us of the ability to choose our own way of being.  Difficult people are nevertheless people, and it always remains in our power to see them that way.” (192)

Our way of being matters a lot.  (194)

Then Yusuf remind the group that the way we go from a heart at peace to a heart at war is with self-betrayal.   

Yusuf goes on “So self-betrayal – this act of violating my own sensibilities toward another person – causes me to see that person or persons differently, and not only them but myself and the world also.” (195)

“Which is to say that when I violate the sensibility I have about others and how I should be toward them, I immediately begin to see the world in ways that justify my self-betrayal.” [Yusuf] (195)

Then Lou asks about what if he doesn't have a desire or sense to help another person.  

That is when they discuss ths idea of carrying our justification boxes around with us.  If we are not having a sense to help, then maybe we are already in the box.  

“And if I’m already starting in the box, do you suppose I would be likely to have a sense or desire to help in my next interaction with Mordechai or with others I lump together with him?” [Yusuf] (197) “I can end up living in a big box from which I already perceive people as objects.” (197)

So we can carry around a lot of different boxes Yusuf points out: “If I need to be seen as smart, for example, I will get anxious whenever I think my intelligence might be at issue – as for example, when I am asked to speak in public or when others are evaluating me.  If I feel superior, I will be likely to erupt in anger or disdain if others fail to recognize how I am better, or if I perceive that someone is trying to make himself look better than me.  And so on.  I no longer need to betray my sense regarding another in order to be in the box towards him because I am already in the box. I am always on the lookout for offense when I’m in the box, and I will erupt whenever my justification claims are threatened.” (197-198)

So now we learn that we can carry around our boxes and already perceive people as objects.  This can happen because of lifetime of choices and experience and self-betrayal.  "Every time we choose to pull away from and blame another, we necessarily feel justified in doing so, and we start to plaster together a box of self-justification, the walls getting thicker and thicker over time.”  (203)

Carol then asks a different question on more of the opposite side of what Lou is curious about, what if, she say, I have too many desires of senses to help? “My problem isn’t that I have too few of these senses to help. I’m worried that I have too many.  And frankly, as I think about this, I’m a bit overwhelmed that I have to do everything I feel I should do in order to not betray myself. “

Then Yusuf reassures her and points back to the choice diagram where is says that we either honor the sense or we betray the sense.   It does not say that we do or do not.  Many times we may not have the ability to do all of the things we want to do but that if we still have that desire to help than we are not betraying ourselves.  

The other things that Yusuf also points out is that if you feel like you have or should do alot of those things there could also be a justification  box that you are operating from.  You need to be seen as helpful or kind or thoughtful and that sense might be hyperactive.  So you can be aware of both.  Do you really want to help or do you want to be seen as helpful? 

At the end of Chapter 14, Yusuf invites the parents as they finish up for their first day of learning to  “Ponder on the boxes you are carrying, and the nature of your predominant self-justifications.” (205) 

I also challenge you to ponder the boxes you are carrying around and nature of you predominant self-justifications.  

“I also invite you to consider how your box – this warring heart that you carry within – has invited outward war between you and those in your life.” [Yusuf] (205)

How has your warring heart invited war among those in your life?

Two good things to ponder.