What I learned:  This week I continue talking and learning from the book, "I don't have to make everything all better" by Gary B. and Joy Saunders Lundberg.  This chapter we take it to real life.   In this episode I learned from the book about how to use validation with your young children, teens and adult children.

Reminder when someone is having a hard time is the LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN, & UNDERSTAND. 

Listening gy giving all of your attention

Listen to the feelings

Listen to the needs being expressed

Try to Understand - their point of view

So make sure to listen when they want to talk and a good rule for yourself if to not say any advice, simply use the validating phrases or questions and then find ways you can help them feel empowered to come up with ideas to solve their own problems.  

They say that children “have a far greater capacity for problem solving than we realize."

There was a reminder that you can validate as well as keep boundaries.  This is a great quote from the book as a reminder.  “It is my belief that children have one main job in life and it is to get their own needs met at all costs.  It is only when boundaries are set and maintained that children will eventually grow up emotionally and recognize that other have needs, too.  The sooner parents learn to validate and kindly, gently, respectfully and firmly enforce boundaries, the sooner the child will begin to respect the rights of others.  Validation does not change the boundaries; it acknowledges that the boundaries may be difficult.  "

The other thing was to use an experience that does some good but might not be super pleasant for the child.  So if they break curfew or disobey a family rule you can choose something like having them up early to clean a car or clean a siblings room (that they were mean to).

For teens these quotes were a good reminder: “Through validation,” Gary and Joy point out, “parents have the power to give them what they might otherwise seek from misguided peers.” (143)  “If we want our children to listen to us, we must be willing to listen to them first. “ (144)   Gary and Joy also say - it is never too late to start validating. 

Also a reminder with teens to not try to teach when you are feel out of control with your emotions.   So when something like sassing come up they say ... “sassing is a method children use to throw you off guard and change the subject.  Look beyond it.  You must be in control of yourself.  Validate the child’s frustration.  Then when the conversation about the initial problem is over, kindly and firmly say something like in our house we use respectful language.  Again, it is hard but parents need to do their best to be the example." (161) 

A few principle for adult children was to make sure to no let them control you and don't try to control them.   

Then a good warning was that you might be blamed for something that happened to them when they were growing up which effects them now.   Instead of being defensive - you can validate their feelings and try to see their point of view.  Because that is all that they may even want to hear. 

When their lifestyle doesn’ match yours.  His advice is to love them, do not criticize them and to validate their feelings so they are willing to keep their relationship with you.  Be willing to just listen.  

Just as a review here are all of the principles: 

1- Be an effective validator

2-Leave the responsibility where it belongs

3-Acknowledge emotions

4-Develop the art of listening

5-Find the right time to teach

6-Learn the effective validating phrases and questions