You can notice people strengths and weaknesses and still see them as people however with the Better-than box you tend to judge those strengths and weaknesses and use them to keep score or see how you are better than that person.  That is how is they become an object. 

This is where Yusuf tells the story of the guy in the restaurant and the black beans.  Yusuf and his wife went to a mexican restaurant.  When they sat down he thought that the guy sitting in the next table had really bad body odor.  Yusuf complained about it so much with his wife that she then asked if they could move.  They did and Yusuf was fine but then he smelled the odor again and realized it wasn't the man that was sitting at the table but it was the smell of the black beans.  (story is on pages 167-8)

The next justification style is the I-Deserve which can go along with the better-than style as well 

The I-Deserve Box

So notice,[Yusuf says]The more sure I am that I’m right, the more likely I will actually be mistaken.  My need to be right makes it more likely that I will be wrong! Likewise, the more sure I am that I am mistreated, the more likely I am to miss ways that I am mistreating others myself.” (172)

Yusuf also wants to point out that both the I-deserve box and the better-than box set him up to be mistaked about the man who he thought had body odor.   Then the question is asked - but what if that man did have body odor?  Yusuf then follows up that question with the response, if I were to point that out to him, which style would he be most responsive with, the better-than, the i-deserve or the seeing him as a person style.  They all agree that the person would respond better if he saw him as a person and was looking for his best interest.  

During this discussion, Lou is worried about being soft and letting it slide so you don’t hurt his feelings.  Yusuf points out “Would I be likely to just let it slide if I really cared about the man? Would I just let  him stink and therefore let everyone think poorly of him? Is that what someone who really cares about another is likely to do? (173)

“In fact, when I let people go on hurting themselves and others without making the effort to help them to change, it is rarely because I am seeing them as people.  Usually it’s because I am being motivated by yet another kind of self-justification, a justification that often causes people to go soft.” (173-174)

Which brings them into two more styles of justification where the person then goes "soft." 

The 3 rd style of justicication is the Need-to-be-seen-as

The Need-To-Be-Seen box

Avi comes into the conversation to talk about his experience.  He says “When I am carrying around this kind of box, I might be worried about being seen as likeable, for example.  Such a box will keep me from being able to do the helpful and right thing when the helpful and right thing might be something the other person won’t like. “ (176)

Avi then shares a story about Jack - who was hired as the field director - but had problems. Blames people for his failures, had a temper and treated people with disdain.  Avi saw this but didn't to deal with it because he had a bad temper.  He hoped that Jack would eventually want to leave. 

"... my softness here as a manager was a problem.  But I would suggest that in this case I was soft precisely because I saw Jack as an object, not because I saw him as a person.  I had a need-to-be-seen box about being likeable, or perhaps about not  having problems, which caused me to completely ignore what would have been most helpful to Jack and to Camp Moriah.” (177)

The 4th style of justification is the the worse-than.  In this style of justiciation we see people as object that are better than we are and we may even look longingly or be jealous of what they have. 

The Worses-Than Box

Avi shared his story about his speech impediment.  “ I looked at them longingly, not out of any kind of love or concern, but rather out of a kind of nagging jealousy.  I was jealous that I couldn’t be more like them.  “ (182)

“I used my disability as justification for separating myself from others.  This – the separation from other as people – is what needed justifying for it was this act that was crooked.” (183)

“My disability was my justification! It was my excuse for failing to engage with the world.” (183)

It has been helpful to see that when we betray ourselves we can use different styles of justification which then makes us crooked towards others in our ways of being and our hearts at war.