What I learned this week:  This week as I share another part of The Anatomy of Peace by the Arbinger Institute.  Covering chapters 15-18.  

 Chapter 15 -  Apologies 

Lou has stayed up all night thinking about what he has learned and how he needs to change.  How he can be better with his son, Cory and all more dedicated to his family and Carol.  As they head back to Camp Moriah in the morning he apologizes for his neglect and telling her he wants to do better.  She too says she has things to apologize for - her heart has been at war as well.  Carols tells Lous, “The more I’ve become consumed with how my own needs aren’t being met, the larger those needs have become, until I think I have numbed myself to the needs of others – to your needs, to Cory’s.”  

They both are looking for answers as they go into the new day of learning about this path to peace. 

Chapter 16 - A gift in wartime

In this chapter we learn a little more about Avi's backstory.  That he father was killed in the 1967 conflict between Israel and some Palestinian nations.  We learn that he also turned away from his good friend, Hamish, who was a Palestinian who father worked with Avi's.  Despite their cultural differences they had become good friends.  As a reminder he also had his stutter and his friend Hamish didn't even mind that.  He came to comfort Avi and Avi who was so overocme with grief and anger sent him away and blamed him for the conflict. He began to hate all the palestinians and also began to hide from the world, using his stutter as a reason to withdraw.  And yet He said this “What I didn’t realize until years later is that whenever I dehumanize another, I necessarily dehumanize all that is human, including myself. “   

He gets sent to America as he mother is really worried about his behavior.  He attended Arizona State University.  He attempts suicude twice despite him being able to overcome his stutter.  But his hate was comsuming him and he withdrew from everyone.  He said,  “You see I was never really alone, even when I had physically separated myself from others, because I was thinking about my father, my people, the Arabs, and Hamish.  Everyone I hated was always with me, even when I was alone. They had to be, for I had to remember what and why I hated in order to remind myself to stay away from them.”  

He was given a lifeline from Arizona State University who told him about Camp Moriah which he reluctantly went to.  

We then break the backstory and go into the current story of the families at Camp Moriah and find out more about Jenny, Carl and Teri's daughter.   She did not want to attend the camp and started running away and she didn't have any shoes on.   Two camp leaders and former campers followed her on foot,  Mei Li and Mike.  They tried to talk with her but she wouldn't listen.  They noticed her feet that they were bleeding and Mei Li offered Jenny her shoes.  She wouldn't take them but both Mike and Mei Li felt they also should take their shoes off and continue following Jenny. .  The question was asked, why did they take off their shoes? Yusuf jumps in  “And I bet at the time Mei Li and Mike couldn’t have even articulated the reason.  They just knew it was the thing to do.”  (227)

Chapter 17 - Marching Bootless

She ran for 6 hours and finally ended up at a mall where she ran into a friend.  When the friend saw Jenny's feet and then also look at Mike and Mei Li she told Jenny that she should give the camp a chance.  Jenny decides to follow her friend's advice.  As they get into the car Jenny apologizes for what she said to them. 

Then Mei Li explains to the group of parents why she took off her shoes.  And she said that she didn’t know what it meant for Jenny, “But I do know one thing for certain: I know what taking my shoes off meant for me. It was a way of joining Jenny in her world, which is something we always try to do here.  It’s a way we create space for helping people to get out of the box. So for example, when we go out on the trail and the youth have nothing but a food pack and a poncho, we too have nothing more than the same food pack and poncho.”  (230)  

“Joining the youth in their hardships helps them because it helps us not to invite their hearts to go to war.” 

Yusuf then asks “The question for you as a leader is whether you are going to create an environment that is as enjoyable for your people as it is for you - a place that they are as excited about and devoted to as you are.”

Lou then begins to reflect on his business and how he realized he fired the person that was always willing to create space for people at his business.  To not think she is better than but to make sure everyone felt important.  

Kate showed up every day and metaphorically took off her shows, “In an environment that is often fearful and ego driven, she created a space where people could give up their worries and thrive.” (238)

Chapter 18 - Surrender 

Lou begins to realize that he is the problem and feels stuck.  Yusuf then says to him and points out “Because if you are the mess, you can clean it.  Improvement doesn’t depend on others.” 

But then what if everyone else is also a mess , Lou asks and feels more despairing. 

“While it’s true we can’t make others change, we can invite them to change.  After all, didn’t Mei Li help to change Jenny?”

 Yusuf said,  “Because we are each responsible for our blaming, self-justifying boxes, we can each be rid of them.  There are no victims so far as the box is concerned, only self-made ones.  And since by getting out of the box we invite the same in others, we are not even victims with respect to others the way we believe we are when we’re in the box.  We can begin inviting others to make the changes they need to make.  In fact, that is what the best leaders and parents do.”  

So then we go back to Avi's backstory, and how he finally was able to open up after an invitation from Yusuf to talk about his father.   Avi telling about his father broke a flood of memories and started healing himself.  And since Yusuf, an Arab, had invited him to begin the healing and reintroduce him to his father.  He no longer felt like he needed to barricade himself.   After he had that experience he began to start thinking about his friend Hamish.  So a few days later, he told Yusuf about his friend and what had happened between them.   “The telling was cathartic, as I had never uttered a word of it to anyone until that moment.  I had of course spent the recent days replaying the events in my mind, but until I was willing to allow another to see my transgression, I was still holding on to and hiding it.  My telling turned out to be part of the healing.”   Then Avi continues “I knew in the telling that it wasn’t enough in this case merely to feel sorry.  Seeing Hamish as I once again did, I felt the desire and need to reach out to him.” (245)  So then Avi decides he want to write Hamish a letter to apologize for everything that he did.  He saw a century plant during their journey and felt it was a symbol of their unique friendship that he had cut down too early.   He sent off his letter, unfortunately, he never found out if he got his letter as Hamish and his family were killed in an attack.  “Even if that letter didn’t reach Hamish, it reached me.  That’s true.  It was for me an outward expression of an inward recovery of friendship.  Hamish may not have received it, but in writing it I finally received him and began to receive others like him.” (249)