What I learned:  This week I continue talking and learning from the book, "I don't have to make everything all better" by Gary B. and Joy Saunders Lundberg.  This week we chat about using this in real life again or part 2   In this episode I learned from the book about how to use validation with your spouse, parents/parents-in-law and friends. 

Reminder when someone is having a hard time is the LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN, & UNDERSTAND. 

Listening gy giving all of your attention

Listen to the feelings

Listen to the needs being expressed

Try to Understand - their point of view

This week I also refer again to episode 34 - it's not about the nail.  And that maybe what might help is that even though you might be able to see how to solve the problem - like you can see the nail sticking out of your spouse's forehead - you are not able to pull it out.  Reminder that we  don't have to power to make it all better and even if we see the problem and what might be a good solution - to pull it out - we need are unable to do that.  So just support, listen and then help them come to their own solutions.  

“Too often we think we must do something to help our mates solve their problems or they just won’t do it.  Believe me, our pushing will only make it worse.  Understanding what is needed.  Most of us are too impatient with our mates.  …  Time, patience, love, listening and understanding can help heal and solve most problems within a marriage.”  (197)

Also you can still have boudaries and validate. 

“Validating never means giving up your own value system.  It means you are trying to understand the other person’s point of view while you stand firm with your own boundaries.  Peace in marriage will be attained if boundaries are set by being kind, gentle, respectful and firm.  If you leave our kind, gentle and respectful then firm won’t have a leg to stand on.” 213

you can validate dreams of your spouse even if it is something that can't happen right away.  Also they suggests to make sure to plan time to be together and work on sensing each other needs. 

“Tuning in to our mate’s needs, then validating and asking how we can help meet those needs, does wonders to build peace and joy into marriage.”  220

“The greatest gift you can give your children is parents who love each other.” 221

With parents and parents-in-law validation is good too.  Even when they begin to complain let them just complain and validate.  “That’s what validation does.  It allows people to come up with their own good solutions and attitudes.  Again we see how universal the need – I am of worth, my feelings matter, and someone really cares about me.  Until we recognize and act upon this truth, a parent may keep complaining about something with the hope that we will eventually understand what she is feeling.  When validation is used, the need to complain will likely diminish or even disappear.” (227) 

We can also use boundaries with our parents - if there are things we don't like - we can share that with them.  Validate first but then hold your boudaries.  And then continue to act normal with them.  

If there is abuse or senility you can still validate and keep boundaries.  

“In the end, what our parents need most, no matter their age, is what we all need – to know that they are of worth, their feelings matter, and someone really cares about them.  Nothing feels better than to have someone love you enough to listen completely and validate your feelings.  It is one of the finest ways we can show our parents the kindness and respect they deserve.  We can only hope that our example will be passed on to the next generation and our children will treat us with the same measure of compassion and dignity. “ (246)

In regards to friends - I love this advice is that they have to make their own discoveries.  And remember the right time to teach.  

“Validation is being with someone where they are, not where you think they should be.” 

A review from the book - simple questions to ask youself that I shared in this episode with the answers from the book. 

1. What is validation.  

The ability to walk emotionally with another person without trying to change his or her thinking or direction. 

2. What are the Four Rules of Validation

LISTEN - by giving your full attention

LISTEN - to the feelings being expressed

LISTEN - to the needs being expressed

UNDERSTAND - by putting yourself in the other person's shoes as best you can.

3. What is the universal need of every human being?

To know that I am of worth, my feelings matter, and someone really cares about me. 

4. What is the underlying principle that allows a person to effectively validate someone else?

A recognition that I do not have the power to make anything all better for anyone else.  I can offer my help, but I cannot make it all better.

5. Where does the responsibility for someone's problem lie? 

With the person who has the problem.

6. What are the four key elements of effective boundary setting?

Be kind, gentle, respectful and firm

7. What is the right time to teach?

Out of the heat of the moment.  Not when a person is pouring our their feelings to you and not when either of you are upset. 

8. Give two good validating phrases and questions.

(The answer is almost endless.  Here are four of my favorites.  Gary and Joy Lundberg's favorites)

That's got to be hard

I think I might have felt the same way

How did you feel about that?

What do you think might work? 

Just as a review here are all of the principles: 

1- Be an effective validator

2-Leave the responsibility where it belongs

3-Acknowledge emotions

4-Develop the art of listening

5-Find the right time to teach

6-Learn the effective validating phrases and questions