This episode  In this part of the book, we learn a little more of how are hearts go to war.  This week I learn and explain a few things about when we go to war.  (this is covering chapters 5-8 of the book) 

Avi - “when our hearts are at war, we not only invite failure, we invest in it.” (p74) 

I begin my telling a the story that Avi shares about mowing and edging the lawn.   Avi had promised his wife that he would mow the lawn but he had also promised to meet a friend to play tennis.  He was running late so he hurried to mow the lawn before he went to meet his friend.  His wife however was upset because he didn't have time to edge.  He promises to edge after his game but ends us coming home after it is dark.  His wife still is upset that he hasn't edged.

So he says “I'll edge to keep the peace in the family.” (76)

Do you think it kept the peace?  No.

Avi- “And it didn’t keep the peace in the family for one simple reason: my heart was still at war toward Hannah.  She seemed just as small minded, inconsiderate, demanding, unreasonable and cold when I was edging as when I wasn’t. The change in my outward behavior didn’t change how I was feeling about her.  In fact, if anything the more I edged in the darkness, the worse she seemed to me.” (77)

So then Avi explained “When we start seeing others as objects, we begin provoking them to make our lives difficult.  We actually start inviting others to make us miserable.  We begin provoking in others the very thing we hate.” (81) Talks how they can even feel it in the room and then goes on to diagram how we create the problem. 

Call this collusion rather than conflict.  (diagram from p 86)

“The word ‘collusion’ captures this element of active participation more accurately than ‘conflict’ does, so we use it to describe conflicts where the parties are actually inviting the very things they’re fighting against. (87-88)

Then Avi explains that with the collusion diagram we start to go get allies to make sure they are on our side. We do this in our families.  We do this in our companies and corporations and we do this in our countries and we do this between other countries.  

The big question that Lou asks is  " But what if one of the views is the correct one?" (94)  

“Have you ever been in conflict with someone who thought he was wrong?”  Yusuf responds

What if I am not wrong - Lou then asks  and Yusuf continues “If you are not wrong, then you are willing to consider how you might be mistaken.” (97)

“There is a right way and a wrong way to seize Jerusalem or to engage in almost any other strategy or behavior.” (98)

 “The deepest way in which we are right or wrong, Yusuf continued, is in our way of being towards others.  I can be right on the surface - in my behavior or positions - while being entirely mistaken beneath, in my way of being. I might, for example, yell at my kids about the importance of chores and be entirely correct about their importance. However, do you suppose I invite the help and cooperation I am wanting from them when my heart is at war in my yelling?” (98)

Then there were two other stories shared.  One Lou remembers - when he was 16 and lived on a farm in the Hudson Valley in New York.  His father was a farmer and they lived modestly and one had one car.  One day he got a brand new car and was so excited to drive it.  Lou starts the car - then realized he forgot his wallet.  He ran inside to get his wallet not realizing that he had put the car in gear.  It starting going and ran right into the Hudson river.  Then his Dad simply said with no lecture, no visible anger, and no retribution - “Well, I guess you’ll have to take the truck then.”  “Lou realized in this moment that his father’s heart was at peace toward Lou, a peace so powerful that it couldn’t be interrupted even by a provocation so great as the sudden loss of a hard-earned car.” (102)

Carol also shares a story of Lou  response to her eating disorder - to help people start seeing him less as an object and see him as a person.  There had been a lot on tension in the room and after Carol told the story of Lou helping her and being so understanding that tension left.  Because the story humanized Lou.  

Yusuf then said “So if we are going to find lasting solutions to difficult conflicts or external wars we find ourselves in, we first need to find our way out of the internal wars that are poisoning our thoughts, feelings, and attitudes towards others.  If we can’t put an end to the violence within us, there is no hope for putting an end to the violence without.” (108-9)

I also thought about a scripture and mentioned it in the episode :  Jacob 2:17 “Think of your brethren like unto yourselves, and be familiar with all …”