What I learned this week:  Here we are part 3 of the series talking about the book The Anatomy of Peace by the Arbinger Institute.  In these chapters 8-11 - I learned a little more of what causes us to go to a heart of war.  

Briefly in chapter 8, Lou tries out applying what he has been learning as he is thinking about his work situation.  He fails to come to any understanding as he had hoped and ends up yelling at the executive involved who is also hostile to Lou as well.  He is frutrated by this and really wants to leave but Carol threatens that she will divorce him if they leave.  Lou stay and learns even more about how our hearts get to war.  

In Chapter 9 - we learn a little more about the philosphy behind this new way of thinking.  Rene Descarte a famous french philospher who came up with the idea "I think therefore I am."  Martin Heidegger challenged this thought of Descarte by questioning, "Where did you get the thought, I think therefore I am?"  Meaning he was taughter language by another and therefore was able to make that thought.  Elizabeth summarizes - “Ah, so being in the world with others, not the idea of a separate self, is what is fundamental.” (126)

Then it was Marin Buber, agreeing with Heidegger about his thought that being with other is fundamental.  And observed that there are two basic ways of being in the world.  We can be in the world seeing others as people, what Buber called the I-Thou way or we can be in a world seeing others as objects, what Buber called the I-It way.  Buber simply observed the two ways of being but never got into how we got into those different ways of being.  So the question remains, how do we end up getting to a heart of war.  

In Chapter 10 - that is where we being to start understanding how we do that.  In this chapter we learn of Yusuf's past.  His father being killed in the 1948 Arab/Jewish war.  He then tells how his family moves around a lot but then settles into the city of Bethlehem.  It was it this city that at a young age he began hustling people to get them to go to different shops.  While he was doing this there was also this blind Jewish man named Mordecai who was also there to ask for money from the Christian tourists.   “One day, he stumbled as he asked a passerby for help.  His purse burst open as it hit the ground, and his coins flew in all directions into the street.” (133)

When that happened “I felt a desire to help him - first to help him to his feet and then to retrieve his coins for him.” (134)

However - Yusuf said he did not follow through on the desire to help Mordecai and walked away. “A stronger way to say it is that I betrayed that sense and acted contrary to what I knew was right in that moment.  Instead of helping, I turned and walked the other way.” (134)

 So then he asks the group of parents - “As I was walking away, what sort of things do you suppose I might have started to say and think to myself about Mordechai Lavon? (134)

After that thought a discussion on - how did I see Mordechai - No right to be there, robs me of peace, zionist threat and bigot” (136)

I might have seen myself (Yusuf) - ideas brought up like, a victim, and better than he was, that you might have gotten down on yourself for not being a good person.  Then Pettis had an insightful thought - by turning away quickly your need to be seen as a good person.  Otherwise you would have just sat and watched him try to fumble around and gather his coins.  By turning away he preserved his reputation.  (137-8)

Another few questions and then a discussion among the group: 

How did I then view my circumstances? Asked Yusuf - comments suggested as unfair, unjust, burdensome, the whole world lined up against you and your well-being.  Maybe even felt angry or depressed and bitter. 

If asked why Yusuf was feeling this way what are some things I might have said - wasn’t my fault, Israelis fault and what they had done to your people.  So he felt justified in his anger and in his judgment of Mordechai.

Summing it all up - I didn’t do anything wrong and that others were to blame.  That I wasn’t responsible for what I was seeing and feeling.   And was all this true?  No

“ I’m suggesting I was making a choice that resulted in my feeling angry, depressed, and bitter.  A choice that was my choice, and no one else’s - not Mordechai’s, not the Israelis’” (141)

This is when in the book we get introduced to the choice diagram.  It shows the sense/desire and then to honor what happens and if you betray the sense what your justistifcation thoughts might be.  Below you see the diagram that is like the one in the book, I just recreated it.  

I like the part in the book, chapter 11,  when Yusuf tells about his father who was a capenter.  And when a wall was not straight they would need to justify the call (by using shims of other things) to make it straight.  And that is what we do when we betray ourselves.  We become crooked in a sense and need to justify ourselves.  

From Yusuf : Let’s be clear - What was crooked when I turned my back on Mordechai that wasn’t crooked before?  [ Your view of him. ]

“It was precisely because I was seeing him as a person at the beginning of the story that I wanted to help him.  But the moment I began to violate the basic call of his humanity upon me, I created within me a new need, a need that didn’t exist the moment before; I needed to be justified for violating the truth I knew in that moment – that he was as human and legitimate as me.” (146-7)

So in the book another questions was asked by Gwyn, what if you have been treated badly, unfairly or felt the contempt of others?  

“As painful as it is to receive contempt from another, it is more debilitating by far to be filled with contempt for another.  In this too I speak from painful experience.  My own contempt for others is the most debilitating pain of all, for when I am in the middle of it - when I’m seeing resentfully and disdainfully - I condemn myself to living in a disdained, resented world.” (150)

Then Yusuf also points out that he only began to feel bitter and think about his past - after- he betrayed his sense.  He wasn't thinking about his father or the things that had happened to his family before.  He just saw Mordechai as a person.  Once he then saw him as an object that is when all those thoughts and feelings came up for him.  " I needed to dwell on my hardships only when I needed to be justified for treating Mordecai poorly. When I didn’t need an excuse, I was free not to dwell on them.” (155-6)

And lastly Yusuf points out, “Although nothing I can do in the present can take away the mistreatment of the past, the way I carry myself in the present determines how I carry forward the memories of those mistreatments.  When I see others as objects, I dwell on the injustices I have suffered in order to justify myself, keeping my mistreatments and suffering alive within me.  When I see others as people, on the other hand, then I free myself from the need for justification.  I therefore free myself from the need to focus unduly on the worst that has been done to me.  I am free to leave the worst behind me, and to see not only the bad but the mixed and the good in others as well.” (161)  

“A heart at war needs enemies to justify its warring.  It needs enemies and mistreatment more than it wants peace." (161)

I think the image I like best from this part of the book is the justifying the wall.  If it is not plumb or it it is crooked you have to do something to make it straight and that is a great metaphor for when we begin to justify ourselves and start thinking of people more as objects than people who are like us.