Episode 82: Facing our fears - How to be yourself by Ellen Hendriksen, Ph.d. - part 2
Facing your fears - How to be yourself by Ellen Hendriksen- part 2 - episode 82
“You have to earn being comfortable.” This week I will be talking more about the Book - How to be Yourself by Ellen Hendriksen and a lot of it will be about facing our fears. There are some great stories of someone who talked to 10,000 strangers in New York City or another person’s 100 days of rejection. I share this idea of safety behaviors that actually could be making it harder for you to connect with people by putting off the wrong vibe. After listening, can you make your own challenge list? What would you be doing if you weren’t anxious or afraid?
Show Notes: Hi Friends! I hope you enjoyed listening to this episode. Below are all the references.
Click on either image or words to take you to her website where you can find her book, free resources and even a course.
A few things I learned this week :
Fake it til you make it. Most of us can think everyone else has it all together but I don't think that is the case.
Great lessons of just doing even though your afraid. Brandon Stanton - Asking 10,000 strangers in New York City if he could take their picture.
Structure in a social situation is helpful to get through the fear and anxiety. Give yourself a role - be the person who gives out drinks or asks people to sign in the guest book. Don't avoid by hiding in the kitchen doing dishes but if there is a group with you then maybe doing clean up or set up is a safe way to feel more comfortable. You can also give yourself a challenge. I will talk to 3 people tonight, or I am going to see how much I can get to know someone in the next 5 or 10 minutes.
Cognitive Behavior Therapy - Albert Ellis Clinical psychologist introduced this idea and tried it out before he became famous. He talked to 130 girls because he was afraid of girls. And the Freaking out Graph.
Jia Jang - rejection proof - 100 days of rejection. Jia Jiang to get over his fear of rejection worked on getting rejected for 100 days and kept a blog and filmed it. It changed his life. He even wrote a book and has a Ted Talk about it.
Safety Behaviors - what are some things you may be doing - in plain sight - to protect yourself from rejection or your anxiety. Do you stay in a corner at a party and look at your phone? Or not make eye contact. Dr. Hendriksen says to drop these behaviors and see what actually happens. Usually you are more engaged and present and not so worried about yourself and what people are thinking about you. Figure out your safety behaviors and drop them.
Finally, What would you be doing if you weren't afraid or anxious? Make yourself a challenge list. Start with some small things and work up to the bigger things.
A few quotes from How to be Yourself - quiet your inner critic and rise above social Anxiety by Ellen Hendriksen, Ph. D.
"So make your challenge list. Then talk your way through with Replace and Embrace. Give yourself some structure - play a role that you choose. Be brace for them time it takes to get over the summit. Take on your challenges a little at a time. And leave your life preserver at home."
" Finally remember the confident myth. You don't gain confidence in a vacuum and then go off and conquer the world. Instead you learn to be confident, to have courage, to get over anxiety, to live your life authentically, be doing challenging things."