A few things that I learned this week: Cultivating friendship is a process. Which seems to make sense but I love how Ellen in this book breaks in down in a way that totally makes sense.

First - Repetition is key. The people that we are around the most are our best potential friends. Think about who are see a lot, that is friendly and you would like to get to know better.

Second - Disclosure - that is something that you work on little by little. Disclosure is a willingness to share a little part of what you think, feel and do with someone else. And this should also be a reciprocal thing. The other person you are trying to cultivate a friendship with should be willing to do the same. The study with the 36 questions done in the 90's by Elaine and Arthur Aron. They grouped their classes into pairs and then gave them 36 questions. There were 3 sets of questions that helped the pair asked more and more intimate questions as a way to find out how one develops closeness with another. In the end they did find it pretty successful and one couple ended up getting married because of the experience. Below you can find the link to the study and the New York Times article and podcast about the writer who did this experiment in 2015 and ended up getting married herself. Plus I also found an article with a list of all the questions.

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/0146167297234003 - The Study from Arthur and Elaine Anderson

The last thing is to show this new friend you like them - You can do this by saying hi first to them. Be excited to see them and then try taking the friendship to a new location. Be willing to invite the budding friend to a concert, on a hike or out to dinner or drinks. Also that being popular should not be the goal. For what people really want is someone kind and warm. Be patient as you try to cultivate this new friendship. It takes time and that time is always worth it.

A few great quotes from the Book:

“Friendship is a process not a ready-made discovery.”

“Oddly, to make a friend, you don’t need the ‘right’ person. Instead the person becomes right over time.”

“But specific questions aren’t magical, instead; according to the researchers, it’s the act of sustained escalating reciprocal, and personalistic” disclosure that sparks liking the other person and indeed, sparks them to like us. The thirty-six questions lead to closeness through disclosure in fast forward.”

“When you’re first getting started, expect some false starts. We all get a little weird and desperate when we're lonely. Don’t base success on the other person’s response. Don’t base success on how nervous you feel. Base success only on what you do.”

“A lame conversation doesn’t mean that you are lame.”

Dr. David Moscovitch puts it this way “If you try to be warm and friendly and curious, then everything else – the blemishes and foibles and awkward behaviors all of us have simply because we are human – becomes much less important to the other person because were connecting with them.”

“And that’s what matters: connection, which is built on warmth and trust. So keep showing up. Share what you think and feel and do. Show others that you like them. These are the building blocks of a beautiful friendship.”

“To sum it up, making friends consists mostly of overcoming inertia - both other’s and our own. Assuming someone is friendly to begin with, repetition, disclosure, and taking the initiative hammer out a solid friendship that will stand the test of time.”