findingthefloor

Episode 238: The Empty Nest Myth - adjusting expectations

The empty nest myth - adjusting expectations - episode 238

“They still need you as young adults.” In this week’s episode I share a few personal stories to start and then bust the myth of the empty nest experience. As my young adults leave the nest I tell you their need for help and guidance along the way. I share what it takes to become a functioning, contributing adult and mention our fledgling adults need all the guidance they are willing to take. I invite you to work on keeping a good healthy relationship to be there for them with their on the job experience of adulthood.

Show Notes: Hi Friends! I hope you enjoyed listening to this episode. Below are all the references.

Key Topics

The myth vs. reality of the “empty nest”
Parenting young adults and changing expectations
Feeling needed in a new, less visible way
Supporting kids as they learn to “adult”
The emotional and practical work of guiding fledglings
Patience, slow progress, and long-term growth
Adult responsibilities we often take for granted
The importance of maintaining relationships with adult children
Helping without rescuing
Spiritual reflections on parenting, agency, and growth
Letting go of the fantasy of “effortless freedom”
Embracing a more realistic, meaningful season of motherhood

Quote From the Episode

“Don’t believe the myth that you won’t be needed anymore. Your kids need you just as much — just in a very different way.”

Adulting Skills Camille Reflects On

Paying rent or a mortgage
Managing bills and finances
Holding a job and being a dependable employee
Budgeting and living within one’s means
Grocery shopping and meal planning
Caring for a home or apartment
Managing transportation and car maintenance
Building and maintaining friendships
Emotional regulation and responsibility
Planning ahead and following through

Metaphor Highlight

Fledglings, not finished birds:
Camille compares young adults to fledgling birds learning to fly — needing space to try, fail, and grow, while still benefiting from watchful care and guidance

Encouragement for Parents

Expect to still be needed
Be patient with uneven progress
Maintain connection rather than withdrawing
Offer guidance without taking over
Trust that support now leads to stronger independence later

Sources & Mentions

Camille’s reflections as a mother of young adult children
Personal stories involving college-age kids, work, and independence
Observations from extended family experiences
Spiritual parallels between parenting and divine guidance

Transcript

Transcript

00:00:01 Camille

I am Camille Johnson, and this is Finding the Floor. Stories and reflections of midlife motherhood, family, and finding meaning in it all. Join me as I share a little piece of my life and figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

00:00:30 Camille

Hey everyone, welcome to Finding the Food. This is episode 238 and today I'm going to talk about the empty nest myth. If that's even like a thing. But just to all you young moms out there, I'm just going to let you know that there's like this myth out there that once your kids leave the nest that it's all good and great.

00:01:00 Camille

Or maybe you all know this, but I'm just gonna, we're gonna myth bust a little bit of what maybe the, I could also call this the empty nester expectation. Maybe we need just need to call that, call it that. Okay, how is everybody doing today? I am doing great. It's been quite an interesting month.

00:01:28 Camille

My husband has been out of town for work A lot. And this happened last year, but in October. And so anyway, maybe I just need to expect that in a certain month in the fall, he'll be super busy with work and have to travel A lot. Last October and then this past end of October and November have been really busy and I miss him.

00:01:58 Camille

Okay, the other thing I wanted to share was really funny is I mentioned that I've been taking these voiceover lessons. And so this past week, she wanted me to bring some technical copy. And copy is like what you call whatever you're going to read for your voiceover. And she asked if I could maybe get some for my husband who, you know, does all his software clinical trial stuff. And it was just really fun to

00:02:27 Camille

pretend I knew what I was talking about, even though I didn't know. And I sort of knew, because I've listened to my husband and I talk to him a lot about work. And I really do try to figure out what he's doing, what the company's doing, how things are going, all those things. I've been learning so much about being a product manager or the head of product is what he's doing, the vice president of product, what that even means. And

00:02:54 Camille

solving problems. But it was just really fun. All these really technical terms that I hear my husband say, and I'm trying to come off as like, I know what I'm talking about. There was one word that I had never heard before, and it was, it's called concatenate. And I don't even know if I'm saying it exactly right, because I had to listen to it a few times. Like, you know how you can look up the definition and then it'll tell you how to say it. You can listen to that.

00:03:24 Camille

And it means to link things together in a chain or series. Concatenate. Concatenate. Concatenate. I think that's how you say it. Anyway, that was kind of fun. Also to report that I am doing pretty good this week with trying to like get back doing my goals.

00:03:50 Camille

I went into my storage room, you guys, and I didn't really declutter a ton, but it had been pretty messy. And I just organized the shelves and made it so it was way more presentable. And even that has made a huge difference. So there is that. And then I've been trying to plan, like this week I sat down to plan and write when I'm going to do things. And

00:04:16 Camille

Even like this morning, I had a really short time, but I wanted to make sure I got a workout in. So I just did my 15 minute HIIT workout and it was really good and intense, but I got it in and that was enough. Even if days where I feel like I just kind of leave my bed, I've been coming back and like at least pulling my covers up to keep my minimum requirements going. So this has been

00:04:39 Camille

a really good beginning, like good start to get back in. I've kind of been touch and go with my dishes, like one night I do them and one night I didn't, but we're more positive, we're more doing things than not doing things. So that has been super good. And then you guys, I have this one more story to tell you before I get into the whole, my thoughts about empty nesting and stuff, but

00:05:06 Camille

I don't know if I've told you about my dog's nemesis. Maybe I did a while ago. And so when my dog Beanie was really young, like maybe we'd had her for four months or something. So she was just under a year. And we were meeting this neighbor who had this other dog and they were like sniffing noses. And then all of a sudden this dog like bit Beanie's head basically. And Beanie was so small that like,

00:05:34 Camille

her mouth and the size of this other dog, her mouth like almost encompassed her whole head, which actually was better than like, luckily she didn't have her eyes gouged or anything. So she was okay. I mean, we had to take her to the vet and just make sure. But ever since then, and I don't know what the protocol is, what happens if a dog tries to bite another dog and blah, blah, blah. But anyway, this dog lives in our neighborhood and has been walking around our house for years.

00:06:04 Camille

And you always know when the dog is around because Beanie will go nuts, like barking like crazy. And then if we're on a walk, Beanie doesn't bark at any other dog. She's just fine, even if dogs are barking at her. But when this dog appears, she just barks and barks and barks. So lately, I have noticed this same owner of this dog

00:06:33 Camille

Karma's owner, which I don't even know his name, you just know the dog's name, has been walking a different dog. So for the past few weeks, I'm like, oh shoot, did Karma die? Like, oh my gosh, this is kind of sad. So then today,

00:06:56 Camille

Beanie starts barking like crazy, like her normal, like Karma is outside and she ruined my life and I'm never gonna forgive her and barking, bark and bark. But it's not Karma. Because at first I was like, oh, maybe Karma wasn't dead, but they got another dog on top of Karma and they're just walking him separately. But no, it was this other dog and the owner is what Beanie is barking at. So maybe Beanie's nemesis

00:07:26 Camille

in reality, has never been the dog. But the owner, because it allowed that to happen to her. Can she be that mature? I don't know, but I was like, what? Maybe she knows the owner now and the owner is a problem. Okay, so funny.

00:07:56 Camille

All right, so let's get in to today. And I really wasn't sure what I was going to talk about today. And I went on this long walk with Beanie, which sometimes are so great. I actually love walking my dog. And it's a time where I can either clear my head or I listen to a book or a fun podcast. And today I was listening to like an inspirational podcast. And it just helped me think about some ideas of what to talk about now and in the future.

00:08:26 Camille

And one of the messages was slow progress, like being patient as you're trying to accomplish something big, that it might take a lot longer than you think it's going to take. And just be patient with that. So that's what the message was. But then I was just thinking about our children, especially our young adult children. So these children who are just barely stepping their toes out of the nest, our

00:08:54 Camille

freshmen in college are new missionaries, people who are just out of high school working and trying to work on being an adult. I know for me, I personally remember when my kids were little and I was overwhelmed by diapers and noise and fights and no sleep and all these things that

00:09:21 Camille

I would like dream about the day where I would just have time to myself. And they would all just go on and live wonderful lives. And they are living wonderful lives, but you are integral in that living of wonderful lives as you help them learn to be an adult. And sometimes we get really frustrated with our children, or we can get frustrated with our children,

00:09:51 Camille

who kind of slack off in their adulting, or they don't want to actually do certain adult-type tasks. And we kind of can get frustrated by that, but that our goal or our job as parents, especially in these early years of the late teens and the early 20s, as they're really getting used to this whole concept of being an adult,

00:10:19 Camille

that I've realized that they actually need you just as much, even though they're not even physically with you. Or sometimes they may be physically with you. Like I know I personally went away to school, but I had siblings who went to school and lived at home, like went to college and lived at home. So my parents kind of had a mix of both. It is just an interesting balance of how you figure out

00:10:49 Camille

ways to help them become willing to be adult and to kind of just mature a little bit. So I think that sometimes it's easy, or I know I used to think that I would just be like, I don't know, sitting in a river somewhere, floating along with an umbrella drink, like just happy that I made it. Like they,

00:11:14 Camille

at least graduated high school. They made it. But there's more to learn. And a lot of that is you helping them learn how to be an adult. And so instead of like, the little problems when they're little that you kind of think are big, like I remember one day walking home, like coming back from somewhere, this was when I had children who could babysit, but we had younger kids, that they had poured the whole box of Lucky Charms

00:11:42 Camille

It's like generic version of Lucky Charms on the floor in our kitchen, and we're trying to pick out all the marshmallows. And you're just like, that seems like the most crazy, horrible thing at the time, even though it's really not. But sometimes we think the big, crazy messes that the kids make when they're little. But then when you're an adult, they can make all these just really

00:12:07 Camille

bigger messes, like getting fired from work, getting into accidents in their car, spending way too much money. And of course, there's like good things that happen too, as they do well in school and get scholarships and you're proud of them for singing in the

00:12:25 Camille

and the choir and all the many things that they can do. So there's lots of good things and bad things that they get into. And then just like figuring out how you support these young adults and help them just like be happy adulting. There are days where, I mean, I personally don't want to adult, but you kind of have learned over the years that it's really not that bad.

00:12:50 Camille

So I was just thinking as a list of things that we may take for granted of just basic adult things. Like this is not being overachievers, I don't think, or maybe you think this is being overachieving, but I personally made a list of things that like just basic adult things to be a functioning, contributing citizen in our society. All right, let's think about some of those things. I wrote down a few things. So

00:13:20 Camille

Getting an apartment or a place to live, paying rent or your mortgage on time, paying your bills, getting a job and actually going to said job, and being a good, productive employee. Not spending all your money, saving some to pay said bills and learning to live within your means, making food to eat, knowing how to go shopping, learning how to plan for meals, taking care of a yard if you have one, mowing the lawn or

00:13:48 Camille

pulling weeds or planting flowers, learning to shop for clothes and items you might need, having good hygiene, learning to keep a budget, finding transportation, either public, a car or a bike, figuring out how to get where you need to go, taking things back when you borrow them, making friends and learning how to keep them and being a friend, dating people and learning to develop a relationship, being kind to others,

00:14:16 Camille

being kind to your neighbors, keeping the laws of the land, taking responsibility of your actions and choices, planning ahead for things. Now, these just are some basic things, but all of these things kind of have to be learned. And as parents, that's something we kind of have learned to do and maybe we're taking it for granted. I don't know if we're taking it for granted, but I've just been really thinking a lot about this as I've had like

00:14:46 Camille

two children who seem to be a little more needy in a way that even though they're away from me and how I can help them learn to be an adult and learning to just take care of a car. Like my one son took a car to school and some of the lights of maintenance and all these things came on. I mean, we even found a mechanic to look up, but he has to call the mechanic and take the car in.

00:15:14 Camille

those are just these little adult things that you kind of like have to learn. And you have to be patient as you're like teaching your children how to go from young adult to full fledgling adult. So right now, it's like they're little fledglings. And I think about the little nest that I hated having at my house. But there were the tiny birds who were like totally helpless.

00:15:43 Camille

And then there were the little fledglings that were just learning to fly. And sometimes they like fall out of the nest and that's not a good thing. So the mom would have to help watch them. And I don't know how she would get them back in the nest. We had to protect a few of these fledglings, but that's kind of what I think these young adults kind of begin at. They're just fledglings. They're learning how to fly. They're flapping their wings. They might be

00:16:11 Camille

falling and in reality, we're helping them through this process. And so I just think how important it is to make sure to learn to maintain and figure out the relationship with your children so you can help them. So we've had a few big moments this year for our adult children that just got married. Each of them got their own phone plans. Like what?

00:16:38 Camille

and got their own medical insurance and auto insurance. I mean, all these just simple, basic things. Those are very, we were like, whoa, big adult things happening. They're both working. Their spouses are working or either going to school. So that's really good. They both have places to live and are paying their rents. All of these somewhat simple things are actually really important because

00:17:08 Camille

People who can't function in this way really struggle for the rest of their life. And so just helping them through this like fledgling period of adulthood, it's been fun to see my older kids kind of like, they're starting to take off. I mean, they still call me for advice and help, but it's been fun to see them as they're growing, you know? Being A capable adult,

00:17:37 Camille

is something I think can be just an expectation that we take for granted. And some things I think too, like learning how to manage your emotions and to maybe take responsibility of some of your feelings. And if you're having a hard time, like be willing to talk to someone instead of just like bearing your feelings.

00:18:03 Camille

But this is like their on the job, quote unquote, experience as they go out into the world. Sometimes it begins on a mission. Sometimes it begins at school, whether they're living away or at home, but they're still like learning this whole process of becoming an adult. And they can learn and you can help them. And I was just thinking sometimes relationships between parents and

00:18:32 Camille

young adults at this time can be severed. I've seen that with some of my extended family. And I've also noticed that when that happens, the adulting isn't as good. And I don't know, this is just me noticing a few of my extended family who aren't as functioning adults, or it's taken them a really long time to function.

00:18:59 Camille

And part of that is that severing of a good relationship, either with a parent or another kind of like adult figure that can help them as they navigate this new life into adult. So yeah, I've just been thinking a lot about how important maybe as a parent, as you think about your young adults. And maybe if you're a mom who have younger kids, I want you to maybe have an expectation

00:19:28 Camille

that you actually are going to be needed in this next bit of their life as they become a young adult because there's all these new things that they're navigating that they've never experienced. And they're going to need your guidance and your experience because you have helped them get to this point and trying your best to figure out how to have these good quality relationships. I think

00:19:56 Camille

will help your children then maybe be willing to become these functioning adults. There's so much that needs to happen to be an adult. And it's not like it's like super hard. Part of it is that willingness just to do things when you have to do them. Oh, and sometimes that's just really hard. So I've also been thinking a lot about

00:20:25 Camille

just our heavenly Father, or God, if you want to think about it that way, how he has to let us come to the earth and experience life.

00:20:38 Camille

And it's probably really hard for him, for our heavenly parents, I believe that we have heavenly parents, that they have to like figure out a way to try to help us through this life.

00:20:53 Camille

And that's why we are given parents and families so that can be a little bit easier.

00:20:58 Camille

But we're also given friends to guide us through these ways.

00:21:02 Camille

And then sometimes I think we're given extra gifts so that we can be good at some things and then work on nurturing those gifts that are so important.

00:21:13 Camille

It was really interesting, like my daughter had this issue and she was telling me about it.

00:21:18 Camille

00:21:19 Camille

So I was so grateful for DoorDash that I could quickly send her some things to help take care of that.

00:21:25 Camille

And she learned a lot from whatever happened.

00:21:30 Camille

And I was glad that I could help her kind of get through that so that it was both learning and that she wasn't like stuck, if that makes sense.

00:21:40 Camille

00:21:43 Camille

you look and notice your young adults, your fledglings, I'm gonna call them, they need you just as much, but in such a different way.

00:21:54 Camille

And so do your best to try to like work and keep that relationship.

00:22:00 Camille

Because as I've just noticed, parents who have good relationships with their like adult children, they become

00:22:09 Camille

just good functioning adults.

00:22:11 Camille

And we need good functioning adults in this world.

00:22:14 Camille

It's so important.

00:22:16 Camille

So don't believe the myth that you won't be needed, that you're going to be able to just be on a beach somewhere and drink an umbrella.

00:22:24 Camille

Everyone's not going to have any problems.

00:22:27 Camille

They're just going to leave and you'll just be so happy and fulfilled.

00:22:32 Camille

The other warning I got from some other parents who are a little bit further ahead, they're like, oh, just be aware, there's usually a time where all of them come back at one point and live with you.

00:22:42 Camille

So be open to all those things that happen.

00:22:45 Camille

Learning to have different empty nest expectations is my thought for you today.

00:22:54 Camille

Hey you all, have a great week and I will see you next week.

00:22:59 Camille

Okay, see you, bye.

00:23:05 Camille

I hope you enjoyed today's episode.

00:23:07 Camille

If you have any questions, come by findingthefloor.com, where I will have show notes and links for anything I've mentioned today.

00:23:14 Camille

Special thanks to Seth Johnson for creating and performing the theme music.

00:23:21 Camille

Come back next week and thanks for listening.

Page updated

Google Sites

Report abuse