Gone Forever, Then Back Again

https://www.erowid.org/experiences/exp.php?ID=112599

Feb 4, 2019

by Psychonautical

Male

As soon as the glass was heated, a very dense white smoke filled the pipe and I took it all in clearing the vaporizer. Within just a few seconds I felt an intense rush come over my body. It got infinitely stronger by the second. I remember it hitting me so hard that I got confused and forgot what happened at first. Then something reminded me that I had just taken a huge hit. I looked at my friend and he had intricate shroom-like patterns running up and down his face. At that time, about 15 seconds into the hit, something jumped out into my visual field. It was a tiny hand sized, jester like elf or something. It hopped around the room in a playful manner that wasn't necessarily benevolent. It seemed more like a trickster. In fact, one of the last things I remember before losing touch with reality was thinking that the tiny figure came from within me and had tricked me into just killing myself. As much as I've read up on DMT and the effects of ego death/loss of reality, I had no way of knowing how intense the experience could be and I wasn't ready. It terrified me because it was my first time and I thought I took a fatal dose. That's why I can't stress enough to get a scale and work your way up, starting with smaller doses to become familiar with how intense a given dose is for you.

Back to the 15 second mark, the jester or whatever it was stood perched on my friend's shoulder and jumped across the room onto the coffee table. I tried to follow it with my eyes but the most intense tracer effect I have ever experienced happened next. As my gaze went right to left from my friend to the table, his face and everything in the background moved with my eyes in a way that appeared to make his face duplicated and super imposed across my whole visual field. I saw like 12 of his heads looking at me spread across the room. The effect was so intense that I had to close my eyes and then boom!

Boom, I closed my eyes and couldn't feel my body anymore. Interestingly enough, for a few seconds the room seemed to still be seen with my eyes shut as if my consciousness had expanded or something. Around this time a voice appeared in my head and was starting to inform me of what was happening. It told me that I died and even as it said that I felt like I saw two living entites come out of me and instantly inform my friends that I was never coming back as the spirits tried to comfort them. The way it played out was so real and made me think that somehow, this happens to everyone when they die. I thought, "Fuck I'm dead! But at least the spirits who took me were kind enough to console my friends." I remember I kept saying things like "Fuck" and "Oh My God!" I was in utter awe of the sheer intensity of the experience. Interestingly enough my friends did not hear me say any of that instead they said I kept saying "I'm Sorry" over and over. Thinking back on this I can only assume I said that because I felt bad about killing myself on this dude's couch and leaving them a dead body to freak out about. This was the last thing I remember before complete loss of reality.

Next I was taken through the most terrifying mindfuck I've ever been through. Though I couldn't see the source, something was informing me in a matter of fact style that I was dead but not to worry because I had never been alive in the first place. The exact words escape me now but the message seemed to be along the lines of "life is a paradox, a life, an illusion." It's as if when I'm in my body experiencing "reality" it's actually an illusion. Where I was now was eternal non-existence. It informed me that we only exist for a little while in these bodies but our souls or consciousness belong in a realm of non-existence. It was apparent that this realm was where we come from and where our souls must return to when we die. Here, every concept I could think of was instantly debunked as something that doesn't exist. Here there was no physical pain, no heat or cold, no modality sense at all. I had no body, I was just essence or energy. There was definitely no sense of time. As soon as I got there it was like I had always been there and that I'd forever be there in an infinite now. There was no passing of time. Everything just was. Here I completely forgot I had a body. I forgot who I was and that I had ever existed. I forgot any friends or family. I forgot everything. Meanwhile I was being bombarded visually. The images came at me so fast and with such intensity that I have no way of recollecting most of it. I do remember at one point feeling like I was in a red maze with black or white polka dots (I can barely remember this part) and everything was shifting or morphing into the next thing I was to be shown.

But somehow I shifted from that red polka dot maze to floating in outer space. I couldn't feel anything physically but there was a sense of awe at the beauty of what I could see. I was watching a sunset at the edge of the cosmos. The star was a darker shade of color than ours, a deep orange, almost red. There seemed to be black structures around it but they were arranged in a very aesthetically pleasing way. Beautiful as they were, they seemed to have a function that I could not understand. They seemed very alien-like. I felt like I was getting closer to it and there was an idea that I might make contact with some sort of entity. But unfortunately the trip started to end here.

As I gazed at that awesome spectacle, I could suddenly feel sensation coming back into my arms. Around this time my brain goes "Holy shit! How could you forget you belong to a body?" My arms started grasping at my legs that I still couldn't feel but I knew they were there because my arms could feel them. Over the next minute sensation came back to the rest of my body and I realized for the first time that my eyes were shut. Before now, it was like I had no eyes. As soon as I opened my eyes, everything flooded back to me.