Tongues of Divinity

by C.D.B.

https://www.erowid.org/experiences/exp.php?ID=112845

I watch the powder melt into a puddle and then to a faint white vapor in the bulb of my freebase pipe. It doesn't look like much, but when I breathe in, the pipe lights an opaque white and doesn't fade until I stop my drag. I hold the hit, and patterns are already flitting on my dresser and desk and in the corner of my eye, as I look around my lightless bedroom which I’m alone in. I can tell that this hit alone won't suffice, and I start to vaporize the DMT again. As I take my second hit, the patterns enhance rapidly and the glass bulb of the pipe steadily shrinks and expands like a balloon. This is it. I quickly set the pipe to my side before I'm unable to. The patterns around my room converge on me and consume my consciousness. I'm no longer counting the seconds to holding my breath. I'm not in my room anymore, but where I am, I don't know.

It's dark and congested with thoughts like a ball of knots that I'm tasked to untie. Nothing quite makes sense. It's all a riddle half-solved. (potential) I grasp for comprehension, but the futility becomes nauseating to the umpteenth degree. Whatever it is I'd done to wind up in this tornado of incomprehensible thought, I wish now that I hadn't. On a dark wet street corner, I see my mother and sister standing. The sight of them aches in me the way love does when it's far and out of reach and all there is to hold onto is a memory. Then the thought drops out into the abyss, and I'm left with a feverish desire for what I've already forgotten.

I taste, for a moment, numerous tiny metallic pellets rolling all along my tongue like space candy I can't swallow. Then they too vanish. A voice is calling out amongst the chaos for my attention and I'm finally able to discern it from the hodgepodge of sensory overload. As if all in one syllable, it tells me it will show me an image to make sense of what's happening, so pay close attention. Then, as if somebody flicked the switch on a Viewmaster, an image appears of a rainbow-striped smile-and-eyes like wet spaghetti noodles.

I try to make sense of it, but the face means nothing to me, and I grow terrified because I understand now that I'm helplessly falling apart in every sense of the word. Still, I'm desperate to gain an understanding. The voice comes to me again, telling me to prepare myself because here comes the image, and there it is, the same jester-like smile that I realize now is simply toying with me, and then again it's gone.

Anxiety and humiliation consume me like I'm a school kid stuttering at the front of the classroom, and the only way out is to book it-- only here I can't run. I'm a cow being prodded to the slaughterhouse without a clue as to what's going on except to know I should be very afraid. I quit! I surrender! But still the agony doesn't relent, and deeper grow the roots of primal fear. It's not as if I'm physically dying. My body isn't being destroyed. No, it's far, far worse than that. The ghost of my being-- my everything-- is evaporating and I'm slipping to nothing at all. Black hole. I'm done.

Everything calms and slows like a pinwheel submitting to gravity, and I find myself in an infinite chandelier-ocean of dazzling dark pink fractals extending into and through me all as one and like a flash of light, I feel love. Four beings are in front of me, staring at me with concern as I lie curled, trembling. These creatures take an amorphous shape, and I can only depict them from the fractal space around them because they have an aura about them, an undeniable life force creating an unseeable seam between what is them and what isn't. If these creatures want to skin and eat me, by all means, they can, as I shrink tighter in my fetal position, petrified, paralyzed, and still in surrender to my own disintegration.

Telepathically, they assure me that I'm all right now, and with a hint of annoyance, they remind me that what I'd experienced was necessary for me to arrive here, and they're right. I had done this before; I knew what I was in for. Then again, one can never truly brace for ego death, at least at this speed. I'm thinking next time I'll buy my ticket for the ayahuascan cruiseline. I've had my fill of the mach-ten space shuttle in smokeable form. The fear is still pulsating, and I want them to know it, but when I tell them, words don't form in my mouth. Rather, the feeling transfers to them, raw and unabbreviated. There is no way of sugarcoating it, no need explaining it with tongue twisted metaphors, no desperate search for the perfect words in a deep vernacular sea. It's simply given, pure and true. They're able to muster a bit more sympathy to comfort me, but I'm embarrassed now like the drunk high schooler at a party, neck deep in a toilet bowl as people hand him water and rub his back while he wonders if he's still cool.

One of the creatures before me moves across the fractal space like a current through water and grabs a piece of paraphernalia, then he and another creature continue past me. The two don't have much interest in me. They pass behind me, I assume to become intoxicated on whatever alien compound they'll consume through their paraphernalia. I realize now that I must be in what I can best fathom is a trans-dimension-hookah-lounge-- a hangout of sorts. How these beings came to this space, I don't know. I wonder whether they're of this dimension, or if they've come from elsewhere as I have and that I appear in the same physical composition to them as they do to me; that the physical structure of this realm is a medial plane for inter-dimensional beings to coexist.

Faced with the two remaining entities, I can sense their empathy more than the others. These two have a particular interest in me. They see me fully, past my frail ego into the seed of my soul. There is no longer an instinct for me to conceal myself and hide. There isn't fear or a feeling of being ostracized: no reason for vulnerability. I trust these beings, whom now I see to be a couple,-- a male and a female. It's profound.

It isn't profound in a way like the tickling feeling of falling in love. It’s nothing like staring out at the ocean with the tide sliding over your toes and realizing the vastness of the universe. Rather, beings are gazing infinitely deeper into me as I stare into them, and it's as if the floodgates of our souls have been lifted so everything that is me can be sensualized and experienced by them, (communion) and everything that's each of them is flowing into me without reserve, and they into each other. We use no strategic nor deceptive tactics in our communication, nor do we offer any timidity. By this shameless trusting we unsheathe ourselves and stare endlessly at the unadulterated essence that we are. There is nothing in all of existence that could be more beautiful than these two beings radiating love with me. I had catapulted myself out of a rocket-fueled cannon through space and time at a speed faster than light, shedding every last layer of my ego, to wind up in this infinite fractal parlor sharing the everything of my being with two pure and eternal souls.

There's never a moment of bliss where anxiety isn't crawling around its underside because when happiness reaches its apex, it soon descends. But not here. In this place, I couldn't go and find happiness, just as I couldn't go and find water if I were scuba diving. There's no way getting to it or around it. I’m in it. I breathe it. I taste it. I feel it on my skin. Naturally, anxiety isn't here. Instead of finding a reason for concern, I float and let the ecstatic plane wash me clean.

After a moment of forever, I feel something. It's faint but it grows like a light in a crevasse of my mind coaxing me back to life. I don't scurry deeper into the dream world nor do I try climbing out of it. I just remain cozy and content as reality gently lifts the covers off of me and rocks me back awake. These remaining moments stretch on longer and longer like when ten minutes before a morning alarm feels like twenty minutes, then forty, and then an hour. As I fade from the wonder-world, I make a promise to myself and to the two beings. I swear never to reduce them to fabrications of a dream state, to hallucinations. They're my dear, eternal friends. They've shown me the most divine thing I've ever seen, and it's inside of me, inside of them, inside of you. They gave me a gift that no human ever did. How couldn't I love them?

I open my eyes in a realm where natural sight is foreign for a moment. I close them again in what I already know to be a futile attempt to reenter the fractal galaxy one last time. I accept its end and smile. "Oh my god," I say aloud in an awe-stricken finale. Bliss deflates when I hear the sound of my words. They're as rudimentary as a beeping microwave or the revving of an engine in contrast to the divine communication I'd just achieved.

Exp Year: 2017

Male

Age at time of experience: 23