68. Death by Astonishment
My First DMT Experience: "Death by Astonishment"
24 Oct 2018
About 5 seconds in after watching reality distort and the simulation just break, I blink and I’m in this room. I’m in this impossible room and what was around me were there strange unmoving jester clown creatures and they have arms and legs, a few of them but they’re not connected like these are. They’re held together by some gravity field. Their head is floating above their neck but they’re all one thing. The walls looked like the tarp of a circus tent. The walls were striped red, orange, yellow. And there were things in the wall that you could tell were alive. They looked like Primso on the show, Adventure Time; they were kind of 2D in the wall but the walls in the room could only be what I described as 12 dimensional. So, I’m in the 12 dimensional room, that’s 3 tesseracts stacked on top of itself. It’s in this area outside of the bounds of space as we know it. It’s in a place that’s not physical but it’s all very real. It’s all more real than this was.
I hit it again and instantly everything changes. I’m still seeing first person but I’m also seeing third person. And something unknown hits me in the back of the head with a gong. Out of the front of my skull explodes the image of the gong in the back of my head while I’m holding the pipe, over and over again like a Windows error message. And they start stacking on top of each other and snaking around. And they’d do this every second that I tried to pull the pipe from my face. And it was to the sound of the word tripping, tripping, tripping, tripping, ing, ing, ing… Until the word turned into the common DMT buzz. And then time would stop for every second I put the pipe down and repeat for like an eternity. I could sit down and reflect on my own life at every moment. And while this goong was hitting I was losing memories. I’d already forgotten I did this drug, I forgot who I was, I forgot my friends, I forgot everything except the fact I existed. I was holding onto that.
There’s an eerie sense of Deja Vu. My friends told me I took 4 hits, I’d hold it for about 10 seconds a hit. So this is all over the course of 30 seconds. At some point I’m out of my body. I can still breathe. I’m breath, I’m mouth, I’m nose and I’m flying through this space with like tornado winds all around me and incredible noise. I started hearing voices and laughter, which reminded me I had friends back where I was before. And I’m flying through this space and I’m shot forward and things start manifesting themselves, naturally. There were these weird thick CGI more real than real sea urchin things that were in this tunnel with me. I had no body. I was a disembodied awareness but I could look around still and see these things. And they would change in and out of themselves like Transformer effects but they were not shitty. They made perfect sense when you’re in there looking at them. They’re constantly shifting in shapes and form but it makes sense and they’re always the same thing and you can identify individual units of these things. I notice that these things are there but they’re also the background, also space that they’re in, which is weird. Then I realize I have no body. There’s nothing left of me except this awareness. I’m just observing and making thoughts, I’m the space too. They’re the space, I’m the space too and this tornado wind is getting on my nerves.
The sound rips and peels away at the functions of cognition until there was no more observation. There was only the fear of not dying anymore, just the will of not wanting to cease to be. And at some point after some time in this tunnel, I thought, just to make it stop, fine, I’ll die. (surrender) Once I came to terms with that everything went black and I was instantly spat out into this extremely bizarre traversable space with things in there. I could say there were rolling hills and timelines, Egyptian hieroglyphs, how they’re in a line format that was overlaying this space. And there were hundreds of these little energy things that were perpetually transforming. It was to a different degree than the sea urchin things. This was more clean, more natural than that even was and that was more real than real. And those sea urchin things seemed more organic than watching myself on the webcam. And these guys were so happy to see me, so excited I showed up and they told me about all the things they could show me.
At this point I’m a disembodied consciousness and they are moving the world for me since I can't move. I’m too shocked or something. And suddenly they pull my field of vision up and one of them hops out of the side of my field of view and just slaps this tablet in my face. This was a living thing that was rectangular and in it held worlds and these worlds were heavenly and beautiful. The noises were so angelic that it was like the trumpets of God was playing a solo in my face. The lights got pearly and wonderful and kinda green and beautiful like pictures of heaven except turned up all the way. And this thing was alive, had universes in it. (Living machine) And then they went: “Look at this.” And my vision went down and this next tablet was like a burning alien forest with purple eyes in the middle. And everything is purple and grey and white and everything got so sinister and malevolent, the noises got horrific. Something about it was malicious, the sounds were horrifying. The tablet was like every imperfection and evil wrapped in the same but opposite tablet than the one I was just looking at. And I was like: “Take this thing away from me.”
I didn’t want to see this and then they’d show me the other one, pick my vision back up and say: “Look at this one.” And it would be back to the angelic one and this continued for some time until I wised up and said: “Let me see it. I don’t care, I’ll look at it forever. I can’t have this back and forth, this inconsistency.” And they were like: “You got it.” And after I accepted this tablet thing, the horrific one it was like good and evil. And suddenly everything shifted to the left, I got sucked to the left and I was in this library. I had a body, but my body was this transparent thing made of energy and I was cross legged again like I was sitting in person and I’m floating in this infinite space. There were like these transparent squares that went on forever and instead of these DMT creatures showing me things, I was learning like I was a peer with them, like I was on equal standing with these creatures and they were ignoring me. And in that moment it was this thing people talk about there’s a moment where they know everything that ever was in the cosmos, it was pure universal knowledge.
You don’t remember what you learned, you get to remember knowing it. You get to remember the feeling of having known that for a second. The difference between tablets in the DMT world and the space I was in currently, where we’re at in the narrative, when they were showing me the tablets it was like force feeding me knowledge, like a kid in grade school. But this place was like going to college for something you’re good at and want to know. It’s like you're completely immersed in it.
And much faster than entering this place I was sucked out of it. And as I was pulled out backwards through all the experiences I laid out so far and mind you, there’s a bunch you forget. When you're in this place it feels like eternities overlapped onto each other. As I was getting pulled out, the knowledge I gained was starting to get stuck back where I was at in this library place. I was losing it and I was starting to get filled back up with the memories that I took DMT, my friend’s right here, there’s an apartment that I should be popping up in soon and there’s my mom and I’m in Houstin, all that stuff. And you lose a little bit of what you were and gain a little bit of what you knew. And suddenly I could feel moisture, my body feels wet. Even though the room looked like a surrealist painting of what it used to be and people were made of marble. I closed my eyes and re-opened them and the whole apartment turned into this sandstone Egyptian labyrinth, all the wall had runes all over them, they had aged. They looked like the sphinx temple grounds or whatever. My friend was sitting on a baseball quilt that was replaced by a 10 by 3 foot long tablet in the middle of the room. I was looking at it and it had some glowing text on it that was in a language I had never seen before.