A-B-Gaming

The Scene: It is 8:15 pm, in the weekly 7 pm session, a group of role-players is sitting around a table at a game store. Books are stacked up, miniatures are in cases, dice in the bags. Chatter abounds but no one is gaming yet.

In Walks the Veteran DM Egyptoid:

Egyptoid: I'm going ahead anyways. Let's talk about something important. Put. That mountain dew; DOWN. Dew's for real gamers only. You think I'm messing with you? I am not kidding with you. I'm here from World's Best. I'm here from Robert & P.J; and I'm here on a mission of mercy. Your name's Gygax? You call yourself a gamer you dirt-bag ?

Brian: I don't gotta sit here and listen to this junk.

Egyptoid: You certainly don't pal, 'cause the good news is - you're out of here. The bad news is - you've got, all of you've got just one week to regain your seats at this game table starting with tonight. Starting with tonight's session. Oh? Have I got your attention now? Good. "Cause we're adding a little something to this month's gaming contest. As you all know first prize is the Pathfinder Platinum Edition 3 volume set. Anyone wanna see second prize? Second prize is a set of pearl dice. Third prize is "take a hike pal". Get the picture? You laughing now? You got game books. Robert & P.J. paid good money to get them for you, and if you can't game the rulebooks you're given then you can't game for squat. You ARE dog-squat. Hit the bricks, pal, and beat it 'cause you are going OUT.

Dave : The revised rules are weak.

Egyptoid: The -rules- are weak? Screw that "rules are weak". You're weak. I've been in this gaming business 25 years...

Brian: What's your name?

Egyptoid: Screw You. That's my name. You know why, mister? You brought a damn Harn-Master book to this game table. I brought a complete collection of DnD minis with all the uniques to this table. THAT'S my name. And your name is you're found wanting. You can't play in the man's game, you can't game them - go home and tell your boyfriend your troubles. Because only one thing counts in this life: Get them to play the character in the scenario. You hear me you stinking nancies? Always, Be, Campaigning. Always be Campaigning. ALWAYS BE Campaigning. Do I have you attention? Interest - Are you interested? I know you are, because it's either game or drink budweiser. You run a game Campaign or you hit the bricks. Decision - Have you made a personal decision, for Gygax? Get out there - you got the new gamers coming in. You think they came in here to get out of the rain? A guy don't walk in the store lest he wants to buy. They're sitting out there waiting to give you their game-time. Are you gonna take it? Are you man enough to take it? What's the problem, pal? Friday night magic stole a player ? Can't compete with an MMO? boo-hoo.

Brian: You - Egypt. You're such a hero, you're so wise, how come you're coming down here wasting your time with such a bunch of bums?

Egyptoid: You see this miniature? You see this Land Raider?

Brian: Yeah.

Egyptoid: That Raider costs more than your car. I gamed 52 weeks last year. How much'd you game? You see pal, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a damn. Model citizen? good for you! Go home and play with your puppies & kids. You wanna seat at this table - then game! You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you little dice flipper ? You can't take this, how can you take the abuse you get in a tournament module ? You don't like it, leave. I can go out there tonight with the materials you've got and run a marathon session and enlarge that to a 6 month campaign. Tonight! In four hours! Can you? Can YOU? Go and do likewise. Get mad you twidgets, yes get mad. You want to know what it takes to run serious RPGs ? It takes BRASS BALLS to run good games. Go and do likewise gents. Gamers are out there. You pick them up, they're yours. You don't, I got no sympathy for you. You wanna go out on those weeknights and game, game. It's yours. If not you're gonna be carrying my dice collection. And you know what you'll be saying - a bunch of losers sittin' around the pizza place; sayin: 'Oh yeah. I used to be a Game-Master . It's a tough racket.'

Dave : You're a piece of work, Egypt.

Egyptoid: : Maybe so, but these books here are the new games. These are the Gygax-level modules. And to you they're gold, and you don't get to see them. Why? Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. They're for real gamers. I'd wish you good luck but you wouldn't know what to do with it if you got it. And to answer you question, pal, why am I here? I came here because Robert & P.J. asked me to. They asked me for a favor. I said the real favor would be: follow my advice and throw their stinking butts out of the shop because a loser is a loser.