thefiresofheaven

Judge A Book By Its Cover

Book Reviews and Synopses

The Fires Of Heaven

Robert Jordan

Jordan, Robert. The Fires of Heaven. Tom Doherty Associates. New York,

New York. 1970.

The Fires Of Heaven, is a predictable action thriller romance drama by

Robert Jordan who is an author that is terrible at writing. It

basically repeats all the other books in the series. Readers have had

trouble turning the pages since the book came out in 1970. The general

public was more than disappointed with this horrible book.

The Fires of Heaven, is about the completely one dimensional

character, Sir Gaylord R. Westly. Westly is a “heroic” young knight

who has to go on an adventure to assassinate the Flaming Rabbit of the

Land of In-finiteness, but right after Westly leaves on his quest, his

horse, Hugo the Klutz, tramples over a beautiful young women named

Angelina.

The knight than takes Angelina to the famous pilgrim witch doctor,

George Clooney (yes one of the characters in this book is named after

an actor) in hopes to save her life. Clooney says he can save her but

only if they do him a favor. They must promise to help him make an

award winning soap opera. After vowing to help, Clooney saves

Angelina. Westly and George Clooney immediately fall love with

Angelina, starting a love triangle between the three.

After this, the Flaming Rabbit is forgotten and they begin there

journey to Bollywood to make an award winning soap opera. Their trip

goes smoothly at first because of Hugo the Klutz’s ability to fly, but

when they arrive, they are abducted by Arabians. They’re taken to the

Temple of Doom to be beheaded. Suddenly something unexpected happens

to the three. Jeb, the leader of the Arabian gang changes his mind and

takes the three as slaves! The three are relieved and immediately

begin working for Jeb.

After working for a month they discover that slave labor isn’t the

great life they thought it would be. Clooney, on the verge of going

mad, and plots to kill Westly so he can have Angelina for himself. But

before anything else can happen, the Flaming Rabbit just appears and

eats everyone.

This the most horrible book to ever be seen by human eyes. Who knows

how it got published or why any one would ever want to read it. This

book doesn’t do 0 out of 5 stars justice.

Robert Jordan has disgraced modern literature.

0 out of 5 stars

Contributed by C. Mullenneaux

September 28, 2011