friday takeout

Santa Claus | Global Gifter

North Pole

[Editor's note: Santa consistently refers to himself in the 3rd person]

Even in a tight housing market, you probably have to contend with changing home addresses from time to time, Santa. How do you update your information?

Ho, Ho, Dear Reader, Santa has his ways! In the name of transparency, Santa uses a variety of methods to keep abreast of your current whereabouts. Court filings and property listings are publicly available. Santa or one of Santa's happy delegates sits on the boards of credit authorities like TransUnion, Experian and Equifax, so those are excellent resources. Social media, especially with the younger generation, is almost a given. Most recently, Santa created a strong financial relationship with Factual and other geocache data brokers, so - and it's very important you hear this on every level - Santa knows where you're at and Santa knows what you're into.

After all these years of gift delivery service on a global scale, some say that your age may be catching up with you. Can you shed some light on this claim?

Oh, Santa isn't as invested in the day-to-day of logistical planning, but acts more as a regulatory figure. I can still get up and drive the 'ole sleigh, but don't do it as much anymore. About 10 years ago, Santa was trapped in an air-exchanger that Santa thought was a chimney and wrecked his back. After that season, the elves and Santa renegotiated terms of labor and compensation, and the elves got more involved in all facets of the operation. Santa does less lifting and the merry elves got a pay raise and Black Friday off.

Questions have come up now and again about your own database of "naughty" and "nice" folks being compromised in a computer hack. You have to admit that this is pretty sensitive information. What are you doing to address data security?

Ho Ho, Dear Reader! Technological security is an ever-evolving dance and while some of my older elves may be better at baking cookies than tracking them, Santa's been aggressive in rolling out a long term strategy of three-layered authentication and IP verification. Some of Santa's more vocal supporters are quick to blame that rascal, Jack Frost, or the Russian government, but we have to remember that Christmas is the time for forgiveness. So I forgive those who have made mistakes. Forgiveness isn't forgetfulness, though. Santa never forgets. If anyone feels like their personal information has been put at risk, they can contact Santa's Special Outreach elves and we'll set you up with a year of free credit checks and a wooden train.

What is your opinion of the long-term investment value of cryptocurrencies, such as bitcoin?

Santa's a little old to be chasing trends. In the mid-1940s Santa took a bath during the Hungarian Pengo fiasco. Much later the Argentinian civil unrest and a looming oil crisis of the 1970s hyper-inflated the value of the Peso. Santa's point is that cryptocurrency is fundamentally still shackled to the physical world as a representative of exchanged value. It's in the name: currency. So crypto is as susceptible to volatility as any of those older examples I just cited and will ultimately suffer the same fate. Any currency with similar characteristics - no appreciable value, independent revenue generation or any economically strong national backing - has an unlikely road to success ... then again, what does Santa know? He comes in your chimney! Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas and holiday season to you!