PART THREE OF BROOKLYN RANTS FOR THE STAND 2025!!!

Written by Brooklyn Schwartz 22/10/2025. 

Dear person reading this. Why on earth are you still here? Are you not bored yet?

I think spoons should be squares. If my soup spills out the corners it clearly wasn't committed enough yet.

The English language is honestly the most stupid thing on the planet. More stupid than me. 

I go

You go

We go

They go

He GOES?!?!?!?

WHY IS IT PLURAL?!?!?!?!? I swear English was invented by a Latin professor and a pirate who can't read.

Instead of elevator music, we should have elevator commentary. Like, “interesting, he pressed flour seven. A bold move by the guy in the hat.”

Vending machines should have a mystery snack option where you either get like the ultimate snack that isn't offered normally or like a single baby carrot.

What if alarm clocks were mean? Like everytime you hit snooze it insults you. I actually once had an alarm clock kind of like that, but instead the alarm was just a recording of a guy being mad at me for not waking up yet. And the dialogue changed everyday. Don't judge, it was a christmas present.

Also, pillows should like, send motivational quotes into your dreams telepathically so when you wake up, you're more motivated for the day and don't need to have three coffees. How we will accomplish this I have no idea. I'm sure someone could figure it out though. There's like 8 billion people on this planet. Someone's gotta know.

I think ice cream scoops should be cubes so that you can build stuff out of it. Like minecraft but not. 

My mom just walked into my room, apologized for her “aura” when I came home today, gave me a metaphor about a straw or something, told me about the time she had to sign a legal document but was temporarily blind so i had to put her finger on the paper, told me about the millennial that complemented her “vibe” last week, and then left. I never even said anything. You can't make this stuff up. How does this happen? WHy does this happen??????

What if all the streetlights in the world are following one person? And are perfectly timed so that it's green when they drive up to it? Do you think they would know? I mean how could you not question why you've never gotten a red light?

AND, traffic lights should make sound effects. Like when it turns green its dings and when a super fast car goes by its like ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

I seem to be thinking quite a lot about traffic lights. hm……..

Also water fountains should sometimes squirt confetti instead of water on Tuesdays. Just because.

Shoes should track how far you walk and how long you sit. So if you've been doomscrolling for like 5 hours ur shoes get mad and yell at you to go walk around. They also congratulate you for hitting step goals and stuff.

What if toast shouted stuff like “im freeeeeeeee” when it got let out of the toaster cuz it like shoots out yk?

Gravity needs more paid time off. It really needs a vacation. It's been working everyday 24/7 for like a bajillion years. And I think we would all benefit from defying all laws of physics every once in a while.

Bananas should have wifi routers so it can stream motivational speeches directly into my breakfast. And pigeons should deliver tiny scrolls with life advice like fortune cookies instead of juts yk, being birds.

Stairs should teleport me upstairs when I'm tired. It's the least they can do.

What if a group of people collectively started calling things stuff that is technically correct but like wrong. Like imagine paper towels are now just towels and regular towels are fabric towels.

I'd like to imagine inanimate objects have like a midlife crisis if we lose them. I imagine a pencil freaking out bc i lost it in French class and now it's either gonna sit there and die alone or be picked up by someone who will lend it to a friend who will lend it to a different friend until the pencil has been completely used and dies alone. That got dark kind of fast.

I've already used the word “like” 19 times in this article. It's like that one time Mr. Grosman kept a counter of how many times me and my friend said "literally". I guess maybe I just like, literally have favorite words or smth idk.

Sharks existed before trees and wombats poop cubes.

-Brooklyn