10 Tips for Nonviolent Communication (NVC) (1)

to create a harmonious relationship

Download a PDF of the 10 Tips 

Let me remember that I and the other person(2) have the same needs (3).

Let me reflect every day on how compassionate I am towards myself and the other person.

Let me check my intention to see if I am as interested in the other person getting her or his needs met, as I am, in mine.

When I can't fulfill a person’s request (4) let me say what need of mine prevents me instead of saying “I can’t do it.”

When I feel (5) upset let me think about what need is not being met and what I can do to meet it, instead of blaming the other person or myself.

Before agreeing or disagreeing with the other person let me tune into what she or he is feeling and needing.

Before asking a person to do something let me decide whether I want to request or demand (6).

Let me say what I want the other person ‘to do’ instead of saying what I don’t want.

Instead of vaguely saying to a person “I want you to be responsible/kind etc.” let me spell out ‘what I want her or him to do’ to become such a person. 

When a person does something I like, let me offer my gratitude(7) by saying which need of mine was met by that person’s action, instead of appreciating the action or the person. 

Notes

(1) Nonviolent Communication (NVC), also called ‘Compassionate communication’ is our natural state of being according to Marshall Rosenberg who developed it around 1960. His teachings can be found on YouTube and in the books by him and the other teachers of NVC.  Visit the Center for Nonviolent Communication for info on training in NVC. The training is offered by more than 100 certified trainers. 

(2)  A ‘Person’ includes a boss, cashier, child, coworker, convict, customer, doctor, infant, in-law, janitor, judge, own self, partner, parent, patient, police, president, priest, relative, student, teacher, etc. An infant just born is a little person!

(3)  Needs

Basic human needs are: Autonomy, Connection, Honesty, Meaning, Peace, Physical well-being, and Play. Universal human needs/values

(4)  Request

A request is action-specific, doable, positive, time specific, and doesn’t put the other person under any suspense or pressure. The other person is more likely to fulfill a request with pleasure than a demand.

(5)  Feelings

'Pleasant feeling' arises when a person’s needs are met:  Affectionate, Confident, Excited, Exhilarated, Graceful, Hopeful, Inspired, Joyful, Peaceful,  Refreshed, etc. 

'Unpleasant feeling' arises when a person’s needs are not met: Afraid, Annoyed, Aversion, Confusion, Embarrassed, Fatigued, Pain, Sad, Tense, Vulnerable, etc. 

Feelings Inventory PDF

(6)  Demand

A demand focuses on own needs without concern for the other person’s needs and deprives them of choice. A demand is likely to discourage a potential helper or they may help with a grudge, resulting in a negative relationship.

(7)  Gratitude

The primary purpose of expressing gratitude is to celebrate the awesome power we have to help each other fulfill our needs thus making life better for everyone. The secondary purpose is to let them know that they have enriched our lives. Gratitude infuses energy and motivation to make each other’s lives more wonderful.

When we regret not following NVC though we love to, we can draw inspiration from the following quote of Marshall Rosenberg:

“Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly. We don’t aim at perfection. We try to be progressively less stupid!”.

Adapted from  https://www.cnvc.org/trainingsarticles/10-steps-peace