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Don't respond with Anger, Hatred, Fear or Pain
Don't respond with Anger, Hatred, Fear or Pain
These are some First-Aid measures.
No Anger
No Anger
Don't respond with anger at their abusive behavior because they are behaving like patients in a mental hospital. How? Because, they have everything they need, like money, house etc. but create unhappiness in themselves and others - in you, their son, and maybe indirectly their grandchildren because children absorb the negative vibrations from the adults in the house. Your in-laws don't know how to enjoy life. They are emotionally sick people.
No hatred
No hatred
Don't respond with hatred because when they were born, they were as innocent as you and each of us. Most probably they were brought up by their parents in an emotionally unhealthy manner or had very unfavorable life circumstances which adversely affected their emotional health. Reda this article: We do not see the first parts of people’s lives.
No fear
No fear
Don't respond with fear as your 'mind is clear' and 'heart is clean'. Your mind is very clear about what they said or did and what you said or did (you are not imagining things that did not happen) and your 'heart is clean' with no bad intentions towards them. Under these two conditions, you need not be afraid of even God, let alone puny (compared with God) human beings like your in-laws. If you show fear, it will act like fuel for the flame of their abusive behavior. They enjoy seeing you being afraid of them. Read this article: "If my mind is clear and my heart is clean, I am not afraid of even God?" and Video If your mind is clear and your heart is clean, you don't have to be afraid of even God.
No pain
No pain
Don't respond with PAIN as their goal is to see you suffer. They are probably in pain inside but may not be suppressing it. They want to see pain in the people under their control. That is their way of coping with their pain. When they see that their words or actions are causing pain in you, they feel relieved and happy. Evidence of your pain adds fuel to their abusive behavior. They will abuse you even more.
Don't play their game, play your game
Don't play their game, play your game
They want to play their 'Football' game (blame and abuse game) by picking on you for petty things and even imaginary things. They will deny what they did, distort what happened, lie, and do anything to avoid taking responsibility for their behavior which is causing pain to others. They are experts in this (football) game and are desperate to draw you into playing their game, so they can easily dominate and silence you. Don't get sucked into playing their ‘Football’ game. Your protection and recovery strategy is to play your 'Chess' game, calculating every move and anticipating their moves.
Write down your painful and happy experiences after marriage
Write down your painful and happy experiences after marriage
People being abused, tend to downplay or forget their painful experiences of abuse to survive while being abused. They may also forget the few happy experiences. When they regularly record both happy and unhappy experiences, they will see a pattern of mostly being abused and occasionally being treated nicely. Once you record, you won't forget or doubt your memory. Write down all your painful experiences since marriage in one chapter of your private journal. Write down all your happy experiences since marriage in another chapter. Do this journaling every day. Keep on adding both kinds of experiences as they happen. The random nice gesture will not carry you away and you will see the recurring pattern of abusive behavior. This way, you will develop inner strength and can chart your strategy to come out of abuse.
When getting stressed, choose your response
When getting stressed, choose your response
Don't argue
Don't argue
Never argue trying to convince them. When they are behaving emotionally, most of the blood in their body goes into their arms and legs and much less blood goes to the brain. They become practically 'brainless', the brain is there but not working! They can't even hear your wonderful logical statements presented with supporting evidence, let alone respond with empathy and understanding. Your best strategy is to let them keep on speaking without interruption. Just keep quiet or say "Oh", "OK", "I see", "I will think about what you said", "I understand how you are feeling", "I will get back to you" etc. Make some statements like these that suit your style. Speak like how you will speak to agitated children, to calm them down. It may help by responding to such people as if, they are immature children in adult bodies. Their bodies have grown but their social skills have not developed, maybe due to how their parents brought them up.
Practice '911' mode to control your responses
Practice '911' mode to control your responses
As soon as you feel some reaction building up in your body, like tightness in the stomach, chest, or shoulders, IMMEDIATELY start practicing '911 mode' (breathing in quickly through the nose and breathing out through the lips like blowing air on hot coffee) to control your stress and keep the blood in YOUR brain. If you lose your cool, you will also become 'Brainless". Imagine what will happen when two brainless people fight! Keep on practicing 911 till they stop talking (till they pause their 'football' game). Then WAIT and silently plan your 'Chess' move. If you don't know how to respond, say "I need to think about it".
Click the above link to read about the technique. Also, keep your mind engaged by practicing the feeling mode.
I chant "Hare Rama ...." Mantram silently. During the in-breath, I silently say "Hare Rama, Hare Rama'. During the out-breath, I silently say 'Rama Rama, Hare Hare'. During the next in-breath, I say 'Hara Krishna, Hare Krishna', and during the out-breath say 'Krishna Krishna, Hare Hare'. I keep on repeating. Select your own Mantram and use it to keep your cool under stress.
Visualize an imaginary 'BLAME BUG' sitting on the abuser's head. Tell yourself that they are behaving abusively because their brain is infected by the 'Blame virus'. Feel sorry for their suffering from the virus. Read the article on how one client used this technique with her emotionally abusive boss I rebuilt my broken spirit.
When you hear the abuser's words, visualize black-colored vibrations coming out of their mouth, entering your left ear, going right through your brain, and exiting through your right ear. Recognize that their abusive words didn't register in your brain, so you won't feel anything. Or imagine they are speaking a foreign language whose words carry no meaning for you. Truly speaking, you don't understand their baseless or exaggerated statements. How can you be affected by words that you don't understand?
Imagine they are actors on a stage and you are sitting in the audience watching their acting. This will help you get detached and not get traumatized by their double-faced behavior of behaving nicely (even extra nicely) towards you in the presence of outsiders and abusively when no one is watching. It shows their superb acting skills.
Imagine they are trying to give you an ugly-looking pen. You will either not take it into your hand or you will take it into your hand but throw it away in the trash bin when they are not looking. You are not 'Keeping' that ugly pen. The 'pen' is a metaphor for their abusive statement. Read this article "He insulted me!"
The abuser is behaving abusively because they have a disability which doesn't allow them to behave in a healthy manner towards you. It is a peculiar disability that shows up only when they interact with you. If THEY have a problem (or disease), shouldn't they be the ones who get stressed? Why are you under stress? It doesn't make sense. Read the article "Not my problem!"
Their behavior is stinking because they are like a garbage pit. Your good behavior won't change their bad smell. Read this article "I hated the garbage and I stopped". You don't have the power to change their behavior, let alone, their nature. The only person you can ever change is the one you see in the mirror - yourself. Change your responses. If you can't change your behavior, how can you believe you can change their behavior?
See the abuser as a video from birth till now, not in a single photo as they look now. They are changing all the time. Read this article "Seeing a person in a video, not a photo." and my video "Our mindbodies keep on changing".- shall we tune into our living or dead selves? (2 min). Once you adopt this attitude, you won't be able to hate anyone.
Look at them as victims of their parents' unhealthy parenting. Read this article "We do not see the first parts of people’s lives"
Watch my YouTube video 'Tips for Positive Relationships' (This is Part 2 of the video. The first part is on Meditation). Some of the topics covered in the video are listed below.
Don't let others play their channels on your TV. Safeguard your remote. 1 min
Swallowing your painful feelings will make you oppressed, depressed or violent 1 min
Read the testimonial from an amazing client who cried in the first session, learned and used a variety of new thought processes and responses on her emotionally abusive boss. To her surprise, he completely turned around in 5 months. At the end, she felt like she won a major battle in her life. I rebuilt my broken spirit
Read this testimonial from a woman on how 'focusing on breathing' gave her the courage to get out of an stressful marriage. Courage to take the decision - (2012)
For women in India
For women in India
The abuse you are experiencing is called 'Domestic violence' which is against Indian law. Knowing in detail that their treatment of you, even verbal or emotional abuse is against the law, will strengthen you internally. Visit these web pages.
Telangana State Police Department - Domestic Violence
Women Protection Officers for each district - Name, Office, and Cell numbers
Domestic Violence And What You Can Do About It
Women's Helpline For Domestic Abuse - 181
For women in US
For women in US
Impact on Children
Impact on Children
Be aware that your children's mental health will be affected by witnessing the abuse you are undergoing and the consequent stress they see in your face and body language. Children are very sensitive to their mother's stress. When under stress, you won't be emotionally available to them. They don't feel safe in their home but can't go anywhere. As a result, the emotion regulation part of their brain will not develop as it should. Read this heart-wrenching document on how children are affected by parental fighting.
Domestic violence and its impact on children
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