Suggestions to an emotionally abused daughter-in-law
Don't respond with Anger, Hatred, Fear or Pain
These are some First-Aid measures.
No Anger
Don't respond with anger at their abusive behavior because they are behaving like patients in a mental hospital. How? Because they have everything they need, like money, house etc. but creating unhappiness in themselves and in others - in you, their son and may be indirectly their own grandchildren because children absorb the negative vibrations from the adults in the house. Your in-laws don't know how to enjoy life. They are emotionally sick people.
No hatred
Don't respond with hatred because when they were born, they were as innocent as you and each of us. Most probably they were brought up by their parents in an emotionally unhealthy manner or had very unfavorable life circumstances which adversely affected their emotional health. Reda this article: We do not see the first parts of people’s lives.
No fear
Don't respond with fear as your 'mind is clear' and 'heart is clean'. You mid is very clear about what they said or did and what you said or did (you are not imagining things that did not happen) and your 'heart is clean' with no bad intentions towards them. Under these two conditions, you need not be afraid of even God, let alone puny (in relation to God) human beings like your in-laws. If you show fear, it will act like fuel for the flame their abusive behavior. They enjoy seeing you being afraid of them. Read this article: "If my mind is clear and my heart is clean, I am not afraid of even God?" and Video If your mind is clear and your heart is clean, you don't have to be afraid of even God.
No pain
Don't respond with PAIN as their goal is to see your suffer. They are probably in pain internally but may not be aware of it. They want to see pain in the people under their control. That is their way of coping with their own pain. When they see that their words or actions are causing pain in you, they feel relieved and internally happy. Evidence of your pain adds fuel to their abusive behavior. They will abuse you even more.
Don't play their game, play your own game
They want to play their 'Football' game (blame and abuse game) by picking on you for petty things and even imaginary things. They will deny what they did, distort what happened, lie and do anything to avoid taking responsibility for their behavior which is causing pain to others. They are experts in this (football) game and are desperate to draw you into playing their game, so they can easily dominate and silence you. Don't get sucked into playing their ‘Football’ game. Your protection and recovery strategy is in playing your own 'Chess' game, calculating every move of yours and anticipating their moves.
Write down your painful and happy experiences after marriage
People being abused tend to downplay or forget their painful experiences of abuse to survive under abuse. They may also forget the few happy experiences. When they religiously record both the experiences, they will see a pattern of mostly abuse and an occasional nice behavior. Once you record, you won't forget or doubt your memory. Write down all your painful experiences since marriage in one chapter of your private journal. Write down all your happy experiences since marriage in another chapter. Do this journaling everyday. Keep on adding both kinds of experience as they happen. You will not be carried away by random nice behavior but will be able to see recurring pattern of abusive behavior. This way you will develop inner strength and can chart your own course.
When getting stressed, choose your response
Don't argue
Never argue with them trying to convince them. When they are behaving emotionally, most of the blood in their body goes into their arms and legs and much less blood goes to the brain. They become practically 'brainless', the brain is there but not working! They can't even hear your wonderful logical statements presented with supporting evidence, let alone respond with empathy and understanding. Your best strategy is to let them keep on speaking without interruption. Just keep quiet or say "ooh", "OK", "I see", "I will think about what you said", "I understand how you are feeling", "I will get back to you" etc. Make some statements like these suiting your regular style. Speak like how you will speak to agitated children, to calm them down. Really speaking, such people are like immature children in adult bodies. Only their bodies have grown but their social skills have not developed, may be due to how their parents brought them up.
Practice '911' mode to control your response
As soon as you feel some reaction in your body, like tightness in the stomach, chest or shoulders, IMMEDIATELY start practicing '911 mode' (breathing in quickly through the nose and breathing out through the lips like blowing air on hot coffee) to control your stress and keep the blood in YOUR brain. If you lose your cool, you will also become 'Brainless". Imagine what will happen when two brainless people fight! Keep on practicing 911 till they stop talking (till they pause their 'football' game). Then WAIT and plan your 'Chess' move. If you don't know how to respond, say "I need to think about it".
Click the above link to read about the technique. Also keep your mind engaged by practicing the feeling mode.
I chant "Hare Rama ...." mantram silently. During the in-breath, I silently say "Hare Rama, Hare Rama'. During the out-breath, I silently say 'Rama Rama, Hare Hare'. During the next in-breath, I say 'Hara Krishna, Hare Krishna' and during the out-breath say 'Krishna Krishna, Hare Hare'. I keep on repeating. Select your own mantram and use it to keep your cool under stress.
Visualize an imaginary 'BLAME BUG' sitting on the abuser's head. Tell yourself that they are behaving abusively because their brain is infected by the 'Blame virus'. Feel sorry for their suffering from that virus. Read the article how one client used this technique with her emotionally abusive boss I rebuilt my broken spirit.
When you are hearing the abuser's words, visualize black colored vibrations coming our of their mouth, entering your left ear and going right through your right year without entering your brain. Those abusive words did not register in your brain, so you won't feel anything. Or imagine they are speaking is a foreign language whose words carry no meaning for you. Really speaking you don't understand their baseless or exaggerated statements. How can you be affected by words that you don't understand?
Imagine they are actors on a stage and you are siting in the audience watching their acting. This will help you get detached and not get traumatized by their double faced behavior of - behaving nicely (even extra nicely) towards you in the presence of outsiders and abusively when no one is watching which shows their superb acting skills.
Imagine they are trying to give you an ugly looking pen. You will either not take it into your hand or you will take it into your hand but throw it away in the trash bin when they are not looking. You are not 'Keeping' that ugly pen. The 'pen' is a metaphor for their abusive statement. Read this article "He insulted me!"
The abuser is behaving abusively because they have a (mental) problem in behaving in a healthy manner. If they have a problem (or disease), should not they be the ones who should be under stress? Why are you under stress? It doesn't make sense. Read the article "Not my problem!"
Their behavior is stinking because they are like a garbage pit. Your good behavior won't change their bad smell. Read this article "I hated the garbage and I stopped". You don't have the power to change their behavior let alone heir nature. The only person you can ever change is the one you see in the mirror - your own self. Change your responses. If you don't have the capability to change your own behavior, how can you believe you can change their behavior?
See the abuser as a video from birth till now, not in a single photo as they look now. They are changing all the time. Read this article "Seeing a person in a video not a photo." and the video Our mindbodies keep on changing. Shall we tune into our living or dead selves? 2 min. Once you adopt this attitude, you won't be able to hate anyone.
Look at them as victims of their parents' unhealthy parenting. Read this article "We do not see the first parts of people’s lives"
Watch my YouTube video 'Tips for Positive Relationships' (This is Part 2 of the video. First part is on Meditation). Some of the topics covered in the video are listed below.
Don't let others paly their channels in your TV. Safeguard your remote. 1 min
Swallowing your painful feelings will make you oppressed, depressed or violent 1 min
Read the testimonial from an amazing client who came in with tears in the first session, learned and used a variety of new thought processes and responses on her emotionally abusive boss. To her surprise, he completely turned around in 5 months. At the end she felt like she won a major battle in her life. I rebuilt my broken spirit
Read this testimonial from a woman how 'focusing on breathing' gave her the courage to get out of an stressful marriage. Courage to take the decision - (2012)
For women in India
The abuse you are experiencing is called 'Domestic violence' which is against the Indian law. Knowing in detail that their treatment of you, even verbal or emotional abuse is against the law, will strengthen you internally. Visit these webpages.
Telangana State Police Department - Domestic Violence
Women Protection Officers for each district - Name, Office and Cell numbers
Domestic Violence And What You Can Do About It
Women's Helpline For Domestic Abuse - 181
For women in US
What is Domestic Violence - Comprehensive guide 23
Impact on Children
Be aware that your children's mental health will be affected by witnessing the abuse you are undergoing and the consequent stress they see in your face and body language. Children are very sensitive to mother's stress. When under stress you won't be emotionally available to them. They don't feel safe in their home but can't go anywhere. As a result, the emotion regulation part of their brain will not develop as it should. Read this heart wrenching document on how children are affected by parental fighting.
Domestic violence and its impact on children
