LOVE can exist only when there is RESPECT. There is even a website by the name 'LoveisRespect.org'
How long will you tolerate the disrespect - one, five, ten, twenty years or life-long? The mental health of the children who witness repeated dis-respectful behavior between parents is also affected.
You have no control over your partner’s behavior but you can choose how you respond. When you change your reaction, your partner's behavior is likely to change as well and you will gain self-confidence. Let us use an analogy to visualize the template for a healthy response.
You are being offered an ugly pen
A spiritual teacher explained in this story: Imagine that a person you are in relationships with offers you an ugly pen. You hate the very look of it. The pen can stress you when you ....
focus on the pen held in the giver’s hand,
extend your hand palm up and open the fingers,
watch the pen moving towards you,
feel the pen in your palm,
grasp the pen,
place the pen in your purse or pocket and
You let it sit there.
The fact the pen is with you creates resentment in you towards the giver and you also blame yourself for not declining it. Then the teacher offers alternative responses.
Avoid receiving the pen
Say "I am not a fan of that color, but thank you for your offer. ”
If the giver backs off, that would be a great achievement.
But if the giver is pushy, you can try other ways -
Look away from the pen.
Don't move your hand.
The pen remains with the giver. If not, the pen lands in your hand, Then the last option -
Privately dispose of the pen
You unwillingly take the pen and walk away as soon as possible. Drop it in the nearest trash can with a smile for tricking the giver.
You no longer carry the ugly pen with your. You feel great.
Responding to partner's dis-respect
Imagine your partner said "You are stupid." You can choose from a range of overt or covert responses like the following.
Overt responses
They will poke a hole in the bubble of 'entitlement' in which the partner is living. Apparently, the partner is emotionally immature. You don't have to be afraid, angry or hateful. You can choose a cool response.
Non-verbal response and walking away
Pretend you didn't hear and continue doing whatever you were doing.
Pretend you didn't hear and quietly leave that place.
Assertive 'I' message and walking away
Say “I don't like it”, get up and leave.
Say "I heard what you said. I have to think about it." and nonchalantly walk away.
Say "I heard you say I am stupid. I have a different opinion. We don't have to agree." and walk away.
Covert responses
These are easier and will build up your morale.
Send a text message as soon as possible: "Today I heard you say ‘You are stupid'. I didn't buy it. (or say I didn't like it). I would like you to speak respectfully in the future."
'Ceremonially' trash the dis-respectful comment privately: Write “You are stupid” on a paper and adopt one of the following suggestions
Overwrite on it with a marker pen till the comment is unreadable
Tear the paper it into the smallest possible pieces
Burn the paper
Bury the paper
Spit on it and drop it into water
By such actions, you can erase the dis-respectful comment from your mind and heart. When you privately trash a few such comments, you will be able to reject them on the spot.
People who tried some of the above responses were pleasantly surprised to see improvement in partner's long standing dis-respectful behavior.
Related pages
Tips for managing an ‘Abusive Relationship’
