Whatsapp Group for Communication, Relationships and Parenting
Archived Posts from the beginning
A. NONVIOLENT COMMUNICATION
Who prompted the toddler on the right to show concern for the other?
If you wish to join this group, please send me an email with your international phone number.
*** Survey results from the participants of the Intro session ***
*** Testimonials from practitioners ***
"NVC helped me foster a partnership with a frustrated patient"- A surgeon
"Hi Uncle! I thought you would appreciate that I recently listened to an audiobook by Marshal Rosenberg (this was because of your enthusiasm for non-violent communication). I found his suggestions and communication tools very resonant, and I have been using them at home and in my practice. Just today, I used the techniques to help a patient who was frustrated by a work related injury, and I was able to foster a partnership with him. It was incredible how simply being able to label his feelings and express that I understood them completely transformed the interaction, and we arrived at a solution for his problem. If you have any books you would recommend, I would be very appreciative of the suggestion!"
Aparajit Naram, MD Plastic Surgery and Hand Surgery 2/9/23
*** NVC Resources ***
*** Websites
The Center for Nonviolent Communication International Organization for NVC
Pudle Dancer Press - Official publisher of NVC books
Bay area nonviolent communication
Your Complete Nonviolent Communication Guide - Positive psychology
Get Started with Nonviolent Communication (NVC)... for FREE!
> Resources shared with the participants in the introductory meeting - Oct 23, 2022 - Surya
Child showing Empathy (Photo) Each of us was born with the spontaneous urge to show Empathy to others in distress. What happened to that inherrent urge as we grew up?
Video
Nonviolent Communication For Beginners 5 min
Documents PDF
4 Key elements of NVC - Pictorial
Illustrative list of Feelings - 1 page
Needs wheel 1 page
Giraffe and Jackal Communication - Examples 1 page
Survey results from the parents who attended the Nonviolent Communication introductory session
> "Corporal Punishment" Affects Brain Activity, Anxiety, and Depression - Journal Article - Nov 17, 2022
Study published in the Journal "Biological Psychiatry: Cognitive Neuroscience and Neuroimaging" Nov 2022
> Some Quotes of Marshall Rosenberg on Nonviolent Communication (NVC) with adaptations - Nov 23, 2022 - Surya
(A) “Anger, Depression, Guilt and Shame’ are tragic, suicidal expressions of ‘Unmet Needs’.”
(B) “When people are upset, they need ‘EMPATHY’ (B1) before they can hear what others are saying.
(B1) “EMPATHY is the respectful understanding of what the other person (B2) is ‘experiencing’, not what they are saying. We are often tempted to promptly give advice/reassurance or to explain our own position or feelings. Empathy, however, calls upon us to avoid saying anything but to SIMPLY LISTEN to the other person as if our whole body is full of ears!. In Nonviolent Communication, we put on our Giraffe ears (metaphorically) which automatically translate whatever words the other person is using into ‘Observations’, ‘Feelings’, ‘Needs’, and ‘Requests’. After patient listening and when the other person seems to have said all that they wanted to say, we may wish to reflect the other person’s statements back to them in our own words, keeping their essential meaning, to assure them that we have heard them. This does not mean we agree with them. We continue again with empathy and if needed, allow the other person to further express themselves and feel fully satisfied they have been completely heard. In case we sense ourselves becoming impatient, defensive or unable to empathize, we first need to silently show EMPATHY TO OURSELVES before trying to give empathy to others. The golden rule is ‘Tune into the other person’s feelings and needs at the moment before commenting, advising or correcting them. To put it simply, ‘Connect before you correct.’
(B2) Who is a ‘Person’ in NVC language? A just born infant is a ‘Little Person’. Other persons in alphabetical order - cashier, child, convict, coworker, customer, doctor, infant, handyman, in-law, janitor, judge, panhandler (beggar), parent, partner, patient, police, president, priest, relative, self, student, supervisor, teacher, etc.
(C) It is easier to remember the four steps of NVC - ‘Observations’, ‘Feelings’, ‘Needs’, and ‘Requests’ with the acronym OFNR and the tagline ‘Old Friends Never Run’ in which the first letter of each word follows in the order O-F-N-R.
(D) Five Steps to convert our anger into nonviolent communication: 1.’ Stop and Breathe’ to calm our self and be able to resist the urge to speak. 2. Identify our judgmental thoughts. 3. Connect with the needs behind our judgmental thoughts. 4. Express our feelings and the unmet needs. 5. Make a request to fulfil our needs.
(E) "Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly. I don't aim at perfection. I try to be progressively less stupid."
4 Key Elements of NVC - Pictorial - Kristensen.pdfPictorial presentation of the four basic steps of nonviolent communication - 1 page PDF
Feelings - Illustrative - NVC.pdfTwo categories of feelings - 'Pleasant feelings' arise when the needs are fulfilled and 'Unpleasant feelings' arise when the needs are not fulfilled.
Needs-Wheel.pdf10 categories of needs - Autonomy, Empathy, Honesty, Interdependence, Meaning, Protection, Regeneration, Survival, Transcendence, Wellbeing. Illustrative means of fulfilling each of these needs are listed out.
>> Videos 3 (Multiple): “Resolving Anger” with Nonviolent Communication
Conflict Hotline ‘Role plays’: 1 of 6 2 of 6 3 of 6 4 of 6 5 of 6 6 of 6 - 8 to 11 min each
Nonviolent communication in the heat of the moment by Marianne Van Dijk - 5 min
How to resolve conflicts by Marshall Rosenberg - 13 min
How to Express Anger Compassionately by Marshall Rosenberg - 21 min
Expressing and Receiving Anger Compassionately by Marshall Rosenberg - 44 min
>> Videos 4 (Multiple): "Parenting with Nonviolence Communication"
Conflict Hotline by baynvc.org - Role play videos
Parenting 1
1a of 3 - 12 min
1b of 3; - 10 min
2a of 3 - 15 min
2b of 3 - 14 min
3 of 3 - 9 min
Parenting 2
1 of 4 - 15 min
2 of 4 - 14 min
3 of 4 - 15 min
4 of 4 - 17 min
Our Mothers
1 of 6 - 11 min
2 of 6 - 8 min
3a of 6 - 7 Min
3b of 6- 7 Min
4 of 6- 9 Min
5 of 6 - 11 Min
6 of 6 - 4 Min
Marshall Rosenberg: Parenting Video 1 of 2 - 1 hour 17 min
Marshall Rosenberg: Parenting Video 2 of 2 - 1 hour
>> Videos 5 (Multiple): "Nonviolent Communication and Inner Peace" by Miki Khastan Certified Trainer and author.
These are video recordings of workshops done in 2012 at the International Nonviolent communication convention in Orissa, India. Miki was the co-founder of baynvc.org . She seems very comfortable interacting with Indian participants and helping them get into Nonviolent Communication.
>>> BOOK on NVC
Links are from amazon website. If interested, one can look at the contents of the books, reviews and price. I have always bought used books in good condition and rarely disappointed.
*** MEETINGS & POSTINGS***
> 1 - Wed 12/14/2022
Participants 5: Dr Terry Garcha, Paula Fidalgo, Rajachandra Popuri, Surya, Dr Padma Sripada.
Discussions summarized
(1) How can person B respond to an aggressive person A to defuse the tension while avoiding a backlash? These options were identified.
B can say “I see it this way … (or differently). Let us agree to disagree” and move on to a neutral topic
B says “I am feeling disturbed (or agitated etc.) from what I am hearing from you. I am not able to listen to you. I would like to talk when we both can listen calmly” and quietly leaves the place, room or house, depending upon how aggressive the behavior of A is. If this happens on a call, B can disconnect and not pick up A's call till one regains a calm state of mind.
Use “I” sentences like the ones above instead of pointing the finger at A with “You” sentences to preempt a backlash.
Accept the reality that “One can’t control others’ words or actions. One can only control own thoughts, words and actions and one is responsible for this.”
Here is a real life incident observed in a pharmacy. A customer made a rude comment to the check out person. The pharmacist working in the back end heard the rude comment. She quietly came to the check out desk and said to the rude customer in a calmly “That was rude”. Then she walked back to her counter at the back. The customer didn’t say anything. This way the pharmacist empathised with the staff member and the customer is unlikely to repeat such a behavior. The bonus was that the other customers were watching the incident.
(2) Resolving conflicts
(A) Watch Rosenberg’s video explaining how he helped people resolve long standing disputes and animosity by helping each person express their unmet needs and acknowledging the needs of the other person. He guaranteed that once both persons identified and acknowledged the needs of each other, the dispute would be automatically resolved in less than 20 minutes. He explained this process in the following video of 13 minutes How to resolve conflicts by Nonviolent Communication explained by Marshall Rosenberg in which he explains how he resolved the dispute about signing the checks between a husband and wife that lasted for 39 years and another case of resolving the violent conflicts between two warring tribes in Nigeria in which many people from each tribe were killed before.
(B) Follow the steps used by call center agents across the world
The agent listens to the caller without interruption. Let us say in the best possible scenario that the caller said “I received the wrong size of shoes. I need to return them for a refund. ”
The agent paraphrases what the caller said and seeks related information. For example, the agent would say “I hear that you received the wrong size of shoes and you would like to return for a refund. I am sorry to hear that." The customer is relieved to know that the agent heard correctly and empathised with them. Then the agent follows up by saying "I can help you with that. Can you give me the order number and the size you received?”
The agent takes care of the return process and explains what they have done and what the caller needs to do.
The agent finally asks the golden question before closing the call “IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE I CAn DO FOR YOU TODAY?”
(C) How to respond to narcissistic people who persistently try to draw you into a fight?
One well known quote for such a situation is “Don’t wrestle the pig You will get dirty and the pig loves it.” (Not sure of the author of this quote.)
(D) How to make the other person not digress and stick to the topic under discussion?
I invite any of the participants to summarize our discussion on this issue.
Webinar recording can watched clicking on this link.https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Umm1F9jDL7OiHWjaK9T_eVm5f9wia3rW/view?usp=sharing
Any questions or comments may be posted on the chat.
> 2 - Wed 12/28/22
Attended by Dr Terry Gurcha, Dr Padma Sripada and Surya. Following is a summary. The webinar was not recorded. Following is a summary of the meeting.
(A) The basic 5 minutes video was watched.
(B) The first step of NVC - 'OBSERVATIONS' was discussed using the PDF handout Giraffe and Jackal Communication - Examples] 1 page
(C) How to respond to people who make baseless allegations and itching for a fight was discussed.
> 3 - Wed 1/11/23
Summary of discussions
Present: Dr Terry , Dr Padma, Margaret Kaufman, Surya
Watched the 5 minute video Nonviolent Communication For Beginners
Watched the video How to resolve conflicts by Nonviolent Communication and discussed it.
> 4 - Wed 2/1/23
Present: Terry Gurcha, Padma Sripada, Surya
Summary of discussions
1. Watched the 5 minutes video Nonviolent Communication For Beginners.
2. Discussed the real life case narrated by Dr Terry (Person A) using the NVC process -
Observation: Terry described in plain terms what she heard person B say without evaluation or criticism.
Feelings: Terry identified her feelings on hearing what B said referring to the “ Wheel of Feelings”
Needs: Terry Identified her needs that were not fulfilled on hearing what B said from the Universal human needs.
Request: This was not discussed.
3. Surya and Padma shared their experiences on how NVC process influenced their way of understanding and responding to people in challenging situations, making life easier, less stressful, leading to better results and less to brood over post facto.
4. Surya shared his concept of “Driving through life”.
5. Padma shared her personal experiences.
> Post 5/14/23
Following is a link to an NVC teaching session from India that I like to share. It has some Hindi (one of the Indian languages) sentences which some of us who are not India can’t understand. But I find that Mr Kanpria’s explanation of NVC is very helpful in putting it into practice. https://youtu.be/4GOyreWfZWU - Surya
> Post 7/4/23
Dear members - I have enlarged the scope of the group to include the interconnected areas of "Communication, Relationships and Parenting". I invite you to share resources, experiences and insights on the above topics for our collective benefit. Thank you so much for being a part of this group. - Surya
> Post 7/8/23 - "Just words" can lead to disasters
A man of 42 repeatedly taunted by his elderly neighbor for not having a child hacked and killed 3 neighbors.
“....He told during questioning that he and his wife were childless even after five years of marriage due to which Surinder Kaur (70) used to taunt him regularly even in front of other neighbors. He felt humiliated so he decided to kill her.....'
He killed the offending Surinder kaur and her family members - three senior citizens 70, 74 and 95 years. Just words can lead to killing!
Three more cases describing the damage that hurtful words can do are in the following page (Under the sub-heading "These are some of my thoughts", part of a larger article on 'Introduction to Nonviolent communication')
> Post 7/14/23
I would like to share the following article on intimate relationships “…….This could lead a person to ask their partner to shift some behaviors in an effort to alleviate their own relational anxiety. This is not only unfair to a partner, but generally ineffective. ……” - Surya
https://news.google.com/articles/CBMiY2h0dHBzOi8vd3d3LmNuYmMuY29tLzIwMjMvMDcvMTMvdGhlLXRyYXAtbG9uZy10ZXJtLXJlbGF0aW9uc2hpcHMtZmFsbC1pbnRvLWFuZC1ob3ctdG8tYXZvaWQtaXQuaHRtbNIBZ2h0dHBzOi8vd3d3LmNuYmMuY29tL2FtcC8yMDIzLzA3LzEzL3RoZS10cmFwLWxvbmctdGVybS1yZWxhdGlvbnNoaXBzLWZhbGwtaW50by1hbmQtaG93LXRvLWF2b2lkLWl0Lmh0bWw?hl=en-US&gl=US&ceid=US%3Aen
> Post 8/12/23 Miscommunication between the pilot and copilot!
Miscommunication between the pilot and co-pilot lead to near disaster of an airplane carrying 271 passengers.
"..... After a normal takeoff during heavy rain at Kahului airport on the island of Maui, the captain asked the co-pilot to reset the wing flaps. But the co-pilot heard FIFTEEN instead of FIVE...." (though they were sitting side by side!)
From more than 2200 feet, the Boeing 777 plunged more than 1400 feet towards the Pacific Ocean before the pilots were able to recover ...
The 55-year-old captain had nearly 20,000 hours of flying experience and the co-pilot had 5300 hours of flight time..."
The above incident shows how communication between experienced adults, sitting side by side, in apparently normal state of mind can misfire and lead to disaster if not corrected in time. One effective solution developed by experts learning from such adversities is "Reflective Listening", also called 'Active listening' practiced by most 'Call center agents".
- Let us say the caller said “I received the size 10 shoes instead of 9 ordered by me. I would like to return them for a refund.” (The agent listens to the caller WITHOUT INTERRUPTION.)
- The agent reflects what the caller said and may seek related information. The agent may say “I hear that you received size 10 shoes instead of size 9 and you would like to return for a refund. I am sorry to hear that." (The customer is relieved to know that the agent heard correctly and empathized with them.)
- The agent may say "I can help you with that. Can you give me the order number?”
- The agent explains the action taken and what the caller needs to do.
- The agent finally asks the golden question “IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE I CAN DO FOR YOU TODAY? (the caller is now totally relieved!)
Such a communication process leaves little scope for miscommunication and consequent strained relationships between adults or between adults and children. And it is a simple and familiar model.
Link to the full report: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1cGZshZPDChHlYklcxkWb3XzsVULC6TF8/view?usp=sharing
> Post 8/17/23 - "When children are emotionally neglected..."
When children are emotionally neglected, they may become excessively self-less or narcissistic. Two case studies follow-
Excessively focusing on others’ feelings and needs and neglecting own feelings and needs: MILLIE was 10 years old when her best friend Delia passed away from cancer. She was confused, sad, and lonely, but didn’t know how to express these emotions. Her parents didn’t talk about feelings, and didn’t provide much emotional support for Millie during this devastating time of loss. Because her feelings and needs weren’t acknowledged by her parents, she pushed them down and put all her energies into it focusing on others’ feelings and needs.
Excessively focusing on own feelings and needs and ignoring others’ feelings and needs: CLINT was bullied by his older brothers often as a kid. He would cry to his parents, but they wouldn’t show any sympathy. They’d say things like “Toughen up!” or “You’re such a crybaby!” He wanted his parents to understand and validate him, (as all children need from their parents) but no matter how hard he tried to get their attention or approval, he consistently was left unnoticed or even actively shut down. In his attempts to feel loved by his parents, Clint became a high achiever. He would get praise when he got straight As, dated the prom queen, or won trophies. If his team was on a losing streak, his dad would refuse to attend games for the rest of the season. If he got a bad grade, his parents would call him “lazy” and tell him he “better start looking for fast food restaurant jobs.”
Full article from 'Psychology today' magazine: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/childhood-emotional-neglect/202306/narcissism-and-emotional-neglect-the-surprising-connection
*** PRACTICING NONVIOLENT COMMUNICATION ***
Practicing NVC -1_ Converting Statements from Jackal to Giraffe Style.pdfVariety of examples of showing how to convert commonly observed Jackal (Non-NVC) statements into Giraffe (NVC) style.
Practiicing NVC Observations_ Examples and Quiz.pdfTwo case studies are presented by Marshall in this video. One is of a wife and husband who had a conflict for 39 years about the husband not allowing his wife to sign the check book because she made a mistake in the beginning. Second is about two tribes in Nigeria who had years of violent conflict in which many people from each side were killed. In both cases, the conflicts were resolved using the NVC process of communication.
