Managing An ‘Abusive Relationship’
Domestic abuse, aka Domestic Violence (DV) can be emotional, verbal, physical, sexual, financial and using technology. The abusers can be men or women and belong to all sections of society.
1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men experience SOME FORM of physical abuse like slapping and shoving by an intimate partner in their LIFETIME. The numbers will be far more if all modes of abuse are included. 1 in 15 children are exposed to DV.
Free Domestic Violence Hotlines
Every county has an agency to provide FREE 24/7 legal, counseling and secret shelter services to female and male victims of DV. Some agencies in and around Albany NY counties are listed below. You can call them to learn about safety precautions like getting an order of protection (OP) and your rights.
You can find the agency for every county in New York State here.
In case of severe physical abuse, one needs to immediately call the emergency number 911 and the agencies listed below asap. Police visit is an effective deterrent against future physical abuse.
If the partner is physically abusive, threatens with self-harm or there are firearms in the house, it is necessary to call the DV agency as soon as possible to preempt serious harm. The agencies also organize support groups for people living with abusive partners.
Provide variety of services
Rensselaer County Unity House 518-272-2370
Albany Equinox 518-432--7865
Schenectady YWCA of NENY 518-374-3386
Saratoga Wellspring 518-584-8188
NYS Capital region St Peter’s Crime Victim Services
518-271-3257
Provide exhaustive information and online support
National Domestic Violence Hotline
800-799-7233
Managing strategies
Consider the following steps to reduce the severity, frequency and impact of abuse.
Electronic devices
Don’t let the partner have access to your electronic devices. If this is not allowed, call the DV agency for advice. Erase history of your browsing.
Pregnancy and childbirth
It is a golden rule to avoid either pregnancy or childbirth It is a DANGEROUS MYTH that the birth of a child will change an abuser's attitude and behavior believing that they will develop an attachment to the child. Instead, the abuser will most likely escalate the violence because now they become more confident that the partner with a child is less likely to leave. DV affects children. See the 20 page Booklet by the National Child Trauma Stress Network.
Aggression
When the abuser is getting aggressive, keep a safe distance and calmly say "I don’t feel comfortable. I need a break”. IMMEDIATELY leave that place and go to another room or walk out of the house WITHOUT WAITING for the partner’s response. Return quietly when you think it is safe and get busy with some chores. If the abuser blocks your exit, call the DV agency as soon as possible for guidance.
Interactions
Tell yourself that your partner has an emotional sickness. When the partner provokes you with words or actions, strictly control your reaction. Keep cool by silently practicing calming techniques like focusing on your breathing, chanting a mantra or thinking of a caring person, as long as the abuser is speaking. This will help you keep your mind cool and avoid adding fuel to the fire. Your partner wants you to engage in verbal and/or physical fights. DON'T take the bait! Don’t show fear, anger or hatred, as these fuel the partner’s abusive behavior. You don’t have to be afraid or guilty, as long as your mind is focused on facts and you have no bad intentions.
No blaming
Don't blame the partner for their words or actions as it will make things worse. But do express your observations, feelings, likes and needs without blaming. It helps to think of the fact that the abuser was born as innocent as any of us with no intention to abuse anyone. How did that innocent baby become an abuser? Who and what circumstances were responsible for turning an innocent baby into an abuser?
Build your support system
Let your trusted family members, friends and co-workers know about the ongoing abuse in detail. Isolating from own family and friends is a standard tactic of abusers to deprive you of positive feedback from them. Their goal is to make you feel worthless by constantly injecting negative messages about you into your mind. Agree with a local person upon a code word for emergencies and the actions to be taken on receiving the code.
Visit the Doctor
Meet your doctor alone, describe the abuse in detail and ask for help. Get a copy of the medical record of the visit.
Financial
Find employment and maintain your own bank account. If this is not allowed, put away small amounts in a safe place for an emergency. Enhance your education to become more financial strength. Secure own and children’s important documents like birth certificates, citizenship, passport, educational certificates, health insurance cards, bank documents and tax returns. If married, keep a private record of all ‘Marital assets’ (monetary and physical assets acquired after marriage) as you have the legal right to half of such assets in case of divorce. If not married, consult the DV agency for legal advice on protecting your share.
Privately record after the incidents
Keep a private and secure electronic record of the incidents of abuse on a daily basis with as many details as possible. This will show the pattern of abusive behaviors and prevents distortion of facts which is a common tactic of the abuser. Abusers routinely lie and deny what they said or did. Such a record will also serve as reliable document to present in case of any legal action.
Live recording
Keep a notepad or smartphone, readily accessible. When the abuser uses hurtful words and you think it is safe, say calmly "I need to record what you said and think about it." Then, record the date, time, the actual words of the abuser and the incident on paper or type into your phone. If it is unsafe to record openly, do it privately. Secretly record audio and video clips of abusive words and actions. They will be valuable evidence in case you seek legal action. If needed, ask a trusted person to record your oral testimony and keep the records safe.
Pictures
Take pictures of bruises, injuries or damages caused by the abuser to you, the children, the house or household items, including the items used to hurt you and keep them safe as powerful evidence.
You deserve to be treated respectfully. You can change your life.
Contact the DV agencies and build your support system.
Click the above link
Related pages
Healthy Responses to Partner's Dis-Respect
DV affecting Indian American Families
Tips for Positive Relationships
Created by : Suryanarayana Chennapragada and Padma Sripada MDSuggestions for improving the content will be gratefully acknowledged. Email Ph: +1518 956 3433 (Cell and whatsapp)
