Counting Breaths - Red flags of partner abuse

Counting Breaths

Some college students read the following informational brochures and asked, "How can I identify a potentially abusive person before committing myself to the relationship?".

Relationships can be healthy, unhealthy, and abusive

Domestic abuse 101

This page has exhaustive information from multiple sources to recognize unhealthy/abusive behaviors in potential or existing partners.

Many of these signs apply to adolescents, adults, males, and females.

Unhealthy and abusive behaviors cause severe mental and physical suffering. Such behaviors are quite common but not visible to outsiders, as they happen in privacy. Even when known, this is a taboo topic in families and the community. By not sharing their predicament, the victims may suffer lifelong.

Let us protect the current and future generations by shining the light of knowledge on the so-called 'private problem' affecting generation after generation with no end in sight.

Please share the following information with your family and friends to replace the myths with authentic information. Your comments, questions, and suggestions are always welcome.

15 Warning Signs of an Abuser

Dear Abby column of March 2023

Signs to look for

From 'Loveisrespect.org' - The national resource to disrupt and prevent unhealthy relationships and intimate partner violence by empowering young people through inclusive and equitable education, support, and resources.

This is a sister website of the 'National Domestic Violence Hotline' for adults. Relationships exist on a spectrum. It can sometimes be hard to tell when a behavior goes from healthy to unhealthy (or even abusive). Typical warning signs of abuse from your partner include

Checking your phone, email, or social media accounts without your permission.

Putting you down frequently, especially in front of others.

Isolating you from friends or family (physically, financially, or emotionally).

Extreme jealousy or insecurity.

Explosive outbursts, temper, or mood swings.

Any form of physical harm.

Possessiveness or controlling behavior.

Pressuring you or forcing you to have sex.

Relationship abuse is all about power and control.

While you may be unwilling or unable to leave your relationship right now, it’s important to remember that abusive partners are unlikely to change their behavior.

Your priority should always be your present safety and safety in the future.

Red flag behaviors of an abusive partner

from 'The National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV)'

He/she wants to move too quickly into the relationship.

Early in the relationship, he flatters you constantly, and that seems “too good to be true.”

Wants you all to himself or herself. Insists that you stop spending time with your friends or family.

Insists that you stop participating in hobbies or activities, quit school, or quit your job.

Does not honor your boundaries.

Is excessively jealous and accuses you of being unfaithful.

Wants to know where you are all of the time and frequently calls, emails, and texts you throughout the day.

Criticizes or puts you down; says you are crazy, stupid, and/or fat/unattractive, or that no one else would ever want or love you.

Takes no responsibility for his or her behavior and blames others.

Has a history of abusing others.

Blames the entire failure of previous relationships on his or her former partner; for example, “My ex was crazy.”

Takes your money or runs up your credit card debt.

Rages out of control with you but can maintain composure around others.

How can one know if he/she will be abusive?

From the brochure "Domestic Abuse 101"

Abusers don’t show their abusive behavior at the start of a relationship because things would not progress beyond the first date!

But there are some common red flags like the following

Charming in public

Jealous

Controlling

Manipulative

Blames others for their problems

Rushes you into a relationship

'Sweeps you off your feet'

Proclaims 'Love at first sight'

Insists that you spend all your time with them.

But there are often no red flags at all.

What are the signs of dating violence?

From 'Dating violence brochure'

Examples of controlling behavior

Constant calling or texting to find out where you are and who you are with. Isolating you from your friends and family

Telling what you can and cannot wear

Limiting outside involvement and activities

Telling you what to read

Using money to control you

Verbal and emotional abuse

Threatening to hurt you or someone you care about

Use of sarcasm or an unpleasant tone of voice

Using humiliating or embarrassing behavior

Threatening to commit suicide if you leave

Hypercriticism or belittling of you

Making everything your fault

Refusing to communicate

Ignoring or excluding you

Withdrawal of affection

Unreasonable jealousy

Examples of physical abuse

Shoving

Punching

Slapping

Biting

Hitting or kicking

Is he/she a controller or an abuser?

Does he/she do these things

Need to know where I am at all times?

Dismiss my opinion?

Tell me what I should think?

Make all of the decisions in our relationship?

Tell me to quit my job or activities so that we can spend more time together?

Question my likes or dislikes?

Pressure me into having sex, drinking, or doing drugs?

Criticism

My partner makes me feel like I never do anything right. Nothing is ever good enough. My partner makes me feel like I'm not supportive and loving enough. My partner dislikes the way I cook, clean, dress, make love, and carry myself in public. My partner never gives me positive support. Even compliments are backhanded: "This is the first good dinner you've cooked in months."

When I confide my insecurities, my partner tells me I'm a baby and I need to grow up and join the real world.

My partner calls me names: dummy, whore, cunt, bitch. My partner is always correcting things I say or do; only he can do things right. Whenever we are with family and friends, I'm on pins and needles because I expect to be humiliated about something I've done.

Moodiness, Anger, and Threats

If I'm five minutes late, I'm afraid he'll be mad.

My partner expects me to read his mind and is furious when I can't or won't.

Living with my partner is nerve-wracking because I never know what will set him off. When I do anything "wrong," my partner blows his top and then refuses to speak to me.

My partner withdraws into silence, and I have to figure out what I've done wrong and apologize for it.

My partner gets depressed, and I have to work very hard to cheer him up. My partner threatens to tell social services that I'm an unfit mother if I don't do what he wants. My partner says he'll never let me leave him.

Overprotection and "Caring"- My partner ...

Doesn't like it if I'm away from home because he says he worries about me too much.

Is jealous when I talk to new people.

Often phones or unexpectedly comes by the place I work to see if I'm "okay."

Does the shopping, so I don't have to go out.

Says I don't ever have to work because he wants to take care of me.

Picks out my clothes because he loves to have me look just right.

Takes me to work and picks me up so the men I work with won't get "ideas".

Encourages me to take drugs with him so we can share the high.

My partner gaslights me, he ...

Acts cruelly and then says, I'm too sensitive and can't take a joke.

Promises to do things, breaks his promises, and then says he never promised in the first place.

Causes big scenes in public and at family gatherings, and when I confront him about it, he accuses me of exaggerating or making the whole thing up.

Shows excessive interest in my emotional life and tries to convince me that I need to see a psychiatrist. By contrast, he is fine.

Says I'm always imagining things.

Hits me and then asks how I got hurt.

Makes me cry and then tells me I'm hysterical. He asks me why I upset myself so much.

Says he can help me fix my character defects. He gets me to make lists of what's wrong with me.

My partner says, "There you go again. Calm down" when I try to have a serious talk with him

Treats me as though I'm upset when I'm not.

Ignoring Your Needs and Opinions

My partner never helps me when the kids are sick or when I'm ill. Or he promises to help me and then forgets.

My partner expects me to drop my activities whenever he wants my attention, but he never pays that kind of attention to me.

When I try to talk, he constantly interrupts me, twists my words, or forgets what I just said.

When I want to resolve a problem, he's changed the subject before I even realize it.

My partner shows up unannounced whenever he wants or fails to show up when he said he would, so it's hard for me to make any plans.

When my partner wants to go out on his own, he does, but I can't because the kids are my responsibility.

When I try to express my opinion about anything, my partner doesn't respond, walks away, or makes fun of me.

Decision-Making

My partner has to have the last word. I think we've reached an agreement about something, and then he goes out and does just the opposite.

If I bring up some decision he made but didn't consult me about, he asks me why I'm harping on something that's already been decided.

My partner says some subjects are not open to discussion.

My partner says that it's a man's responsibility to make the decisions for the family.

Money

I can't get information about our financial situation.

My partner says I have enough to do without being bothered by financial decisions.

I have to account for every dime I spend and also figure out how to make ends meet.

My partner spends money on whatever he wants. He gets angry and blames me when he needs money and there's none left.

My partner won't give me a household allowance, so whenever I need some money, I have to ask him for it.

My partner says that with all he does for me, I ought to be glad to support him financially.

My partner gives me everything I want, but he always reminds me that I could never live so well without him.

My partner doesn't work. He takes money out of my pocketbook or steals my stuff and sells it.

Shifting Responsibility

If I tell my partner that he's too bossy and critical, he tells me I'm immature. We always end up picking apart my personality.

My partner says that he can't stay clean and sober because he lives with a bitch like me.

My partner says that if I ever leave him, he'll kill himself, and I'll be responsible.

My partner lost his job and blamed me for it. Now he refuses to work.

My partner says he wouldn't lose his temper if I kept the kids quieter.

My partner says he wouldn't go after other women so much if I kept myself up better.

My partner says he'd take me out more if I weren't so stupid.

My partner says he's always good-natured with other people, so it must be what I do that makes him lose control of himself.

Limiting Contact with Other People

When I want to go out, my partner starts a fight.

My partner doesn't like me to spend time with my family, with or without him.

My partner tells me I never give him enough of my time or energy, and that I care more for my friends and family than I do for him.

Although he never says it directly, I think my partner wants me to ask his permission before I go somewhere.

My partner grills me about what happened whenever I go out.

My partner accuses me of having affairs.

My partner made me late for work so many times that I lost my job.

When I spend time with women friends, my partner accuses me of being a lesbian.

Physical Intimidation: "My partner ........."

Blocks the door so I can't leave during an argument.

Scares me when he's angry by standing very close to me and clenching his fists. When we argue, I'm sometimes afraid of what he might do, so I stop arguing.

Drives recklessly whenever he is angry at me, and it scares me to death.

Throws things around and breaks things.

Destroys my clothes and my favorite things.

Refuses to leave when I ask him to.

Won't let me sleep.

Control Through Sexual Humiliation

Pressures me to have sex in ways that make me uncomfortable.

My partner makes sexual jokes about me in front of the children and other people.

Makes fun of my body.

Seduce my friends and family members.

Forces me to dress in ways he thinks are "sexy" but that makes me feel uncomfortable.

Compares me to women in pornographic magazines and videos.

Tells dirty jokes that are degrading to me and to women in general.

Physical and Sexual Violence: Does my partner.........

Throw things at me

Beat my head against the wall

Choke me

Kick me

Shove and push me

Hit me

Force me to have sex with others

Rape me

Threaten me with a weapon

Hurt me, and won't let me go to the hospital or doctor.

Myths and Realities of an Abuser

From 'Lundy Bancroft'

These myths may prevent you from correctly identifying abusive behaviors even when you are feeling uncomfortable with such behaviors. You may justify such abusive behaviors if you buy into these myths.

Myths

These are some of the myths about abusive men (may apply to women also)

Abused as a child.

Previous partner hurt him.

Abuses those he loves the most.

Holds in his feelings too much.

Has an aggressive personality.

Loses control.

Too angry.

Mentally ill.

Afraid of intimacy and abandonment.

Hates women.

Has low self-esteem.

His boss mistreats him.

Is a victim of racism.

Abuses alcohol or drugs.

Abusiveness is as bad for him as for his partner.

Has poor skills in communication and conflict resolution.

There are as many abusive women as abusive men.

Realities

These are the hidden realities. He or She ...

Controlling.

Feels entitled.

Twists things into their opposites.

Disrespects his partner and considers himself superior to her.

Confuses love and abuse.

Manipulative.

Strives to have a good public image.

Feels justified.

Deny and minimize their abuse.

What are the stages at which abuse shows up or escalates

Before commitment

He or his family may push hard for a quick commitment, engagement, or marriage.

After .........

One commits to the relationship

Marriage

Pregnancy

A child is born

Any major life changes like a job change, death etc.

Ask yourself this key question "Does he/she......."

"Does he/she behave in a disrespectful/ unhealthy/abusive manner with others like the following?"

Colleagues?

Friends?

People at the stores?

Neighbors?

Or he/she behaves abusively ONLY with the partner in the privacy of the home when no outsiders are watching? If this is the case, it is not a lack of self-control, lack of anger management, or a mental problem. It is a deliberately chosen behavior to abuse the partner without letting others see or know about it. The abusive partner is careful not to get caught breaking a law and makes all efforts to maintain a good public image while abusing the partner at home, even in the presence of the children.

Check if you are a victim

From psychoanalyst Robin Stern, PhD

You may be a victim if you realize that you

Constantly second-guess yourself

Ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” multiple times a day

Often feel confused and even crazy

Always apologizing to your partner

Can’t understand why, with so many good things in your life, you aren’t happy

Frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family

Find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.

Feel something is seriously wrong, but you can never quite understand what it is

Start lying, to avoid the put-downs and reality twists

Have trouble making simple decisions

Have the sense that you used to be a different person – more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed

Feel hopeless and joyless

Feel as though you can’t do anything right

Wonder if you are a good enough partner.

Related pages

Domestic abuse 101

Google Sites

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