Red flags of partner abuse
Some college students read the following informational brochures and asked "How can I identify a potentially abusive person before committing to the relationship?".
Relationships can be healthy, unhealthy and abusive
Here are exhaustive tips from many sources to recognize unhealthy/abusive behaviors. Many of these signs apply to dating partners, those in a relationship, adolescents, adults, female and male. Unhealthy and abusive behaviors cause a lot of mental and physical suffering. They are quite common but not visible to outsiders as they happen within the privacy of the home. Even when known, this topic carries a taboo. By not sharing their predicament, the victims may suffer life-long. Let us protect the current and future generations by shining the light of knowledge on it. If you like the following information, I request you to share it with your family and friends. Your comments and questions are most welcome. Thank you so much for your attention.
Dear Abby column March 2023
a website designed for young people
This is a sister website of 'National Domestic Violence Hotline' for adults. Relationships exist on a spectrum and it can sometimes be hard to tell when a behavior goes from healthy to unhealthy (or even abusive). Typical warning signs of abuse from your partner include
Checking your phone, email, or social media accounts without your permission.
Putting you down frequently, especially in front of others.
Isolating you from friends or family (physically, financially, or emotionally).
Extreme jealousy or insecurity.
Explosive outbursts, temper, or mood swings.
Any form of physical harm.
Possessiveness or controlling behavior.
Pressuring you or forcing you to have sex.
Relationship abuse is all about power and control.
While you may be unwilling or unable to leave your relationship right now, it’s important to remember that abusive partners are unlikely to change their behavior. Your first priority should always be your personal safety and your safety in the future.
Red flags of an abusive partner
from 'The National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV)'
He/she wants to move too quickly into the relationship.
Early in the relationship, flatters you constantly, and seems “too good to be true.”
Wants you all to himself or herself; insists that you stop spending time with your friends or family.
Insists that you stop participating in hobbies or activities, quit school, or quit your job.
Does not honor your boundaries.
Is excessively jealous and accuses you of being unfaithful.
Wants to know where you are all of the time and frequently calls, emails, and texts you throughout the day.
Criticizes or puts you down; says you are crazy, stupid, and/or fat/unattractive, or that no one else would ever want or love you.
Takes no responsibility for his or her behavior and blames others.
Has a history of abusing others.
Blames the entire failure of previous relationships on his or her former partner; for example, “My ex was totally crazy.”
Takes your money or runs up your credit card debt.
Rages out of control with you but can maintain composure around others.
"Is there any way to tell that someone will be abusive in one’s relationship?"
From "Common questions and answers about Domestic abuse or violence":
Abusers don’t show their abusive behavior at the start of a relationship because things would not progress beyond the first date!
But there are some common abusive traits - they may be charming, jealous, controlling, and manipulative and they may blame others for their problems.
They may rush into a relationship (“sweep you off your feet” or proclaim “love at first sight”) and insist that you spend all your time with them.
These are some “red flags,”.
But there are often no signs at all.
"What are the signs of dating violence?"
From 'Dating violence brochure'
Examples of controlling behavior
Constant calling or texting to find out where you are and who you are with
Isolating you from your friends and family
Telling you what you can and cannot wear
Limiting outside involvement and activities
Telling you what to read
Using money to control you
Example of verbal and emotional abuse
Threatening to hurt you or someone you care about
Use of sarcasm or an unpleasant tone of voice
Using humiliating or embarrassing behavior
Threatening to commit suicide if you leave
Hypercriticism or belittling you
Making everything your fault
Refusing to communicate
Ignoring or excluding you
Withdrawal of affection
Unreasonable jealousy
Examples of physical abuse:
Shoving
Punching
Slapping
Biting
Hitting or Kicking
Ask yourself these questions to see if your partner is using controlling behaviors
Does my partner need to know where I am at all times?
Does my partner dismiss my opinion?
Does my partner tell me what I should think?
Does my partner make all of the decisions in our relationship?
Is my partner telling me to quit my job or activities so that we can spend more time together?
Does my partner question my likes or dislikes?
Does my partner pressure me into having sex, drinking, or doing drugs?
Is My Partner A Controller/ Abuser? - Checklists
Control Through Criticism
My partner makes me feel like I never do anything right. Nothing is ever good enough. My partner makes me feel like I'm not supportive and loving enough. My partner dislikes the way I cook, clean, dress, make love and carry myself in public. My partner never gives me positive support. Even compliments are backhanded: "This is the first good dinner you've cooked in months."
When I confide my insecurities, my partner tells me I'm a baby and I need to grow up and join the real world.
My partner calls me names: dummy, whore, cunt, bitch. My partner is always correcting things I say or do; only he can do things right. Whenever we are with family and friends, I'm on pins and needles because I expect to be humiliated about something I've done.
Control through Moodiness, Anger, and Threats
If I'm five minutes late, I'm afraid he'll be mad.
My partner expects me to read his mind and is furious when I can't or won't.
Living with my partner is nerve-wracking, because I never know what will set him off. When I do anything "wrong," my partner blows his top and then refuses to speak to me.
My partner withdraws into silence, and I have to figure out what I've done wrong and apologize for it.
My partner gets depressed and I have to work very hard to cheer him up.My partner threatens to tell social services that I'm an unfit mother if I don't do what he wants. My partner says he'll never let me leave him.
Control Through Overprotection and "Caring"
My partner doesn't like it if I'm away from home because he says he worries about me too much.
My partner is jealous when I talk to new people.
My partner often phones or unexpectedly comes by the place I work to see if I'm "okay."
My partner does the shopping so I don't have to go out.
My partner says I don't ever have to work because he wants to take care of me.
My partner picks out my clothes because he loves to have me look just right.
My partner takes me to work and picks me up so the men I work with won't get "ideas".
My partner encourages me to take drugs with him so we can share the high.
Control Through Denying Your Perceptions
My partner acts very cruelly and then says I'm too sensitive and can't take a joke.
My partner promises to do things, breaks his promises, then says he never promised in the first place.
My partner causes big scenes in public and at family gatherings, and when I confront him about it, he accuses me of exaggerating or making the whole thing up.
My partner shows excessive interest in my emotional life and tries to convince me that I need to see a psychiatrist. By contrast, he is fine.
My partner says I'm always imagining things.
My partner hits me and then asks how I got hurt.
My partner makes me cry and then tells me I'm hysterical. He asks me why I upset myself so much.
My partner says he can help me fix my character defects. He gets me to make lists of what's wrong with me.
When I try to have a serious talk with him, my partner says, "There you go again. Calm down." He treats me as though I'm upset when I'm not.
Control by Ignoring Your Needs and Opinions
My partner never helps me when the kids are sick, or when I'm ill. Or he promises to help me and then forgets.
My partner expects me to drop my activities whenever he wants my attention, but he never pays that kind of attention to me.
When I try to talk, he constantly interrupts me, twists my words, or forgets what I just said.
When I want to resolve a problem, he's changed the subject before I even realize it.
My partner shows up unannounced whenever he wants to, or fails to show up when he said he would, so it's hard for me to make any plans.
When my partner wants to go out on his own, he does; but I can't because the kids are my responsibility.
When I try to express my opinion about anything my partner doesn't respond, walks away, or makes fun of me.
Control Through Decision Making
My partner has to have the last word. I think we've reached an agreement about something, and then he goes out and does just the opposite.
If I bring up some decision he made but didn't consult me about, he asks me why I'm harping on something that's already been decided.
My partner says some subjects are not open to discussion.
My partner says that it's a man's responsibility to make the decisions for the family.
Control Through Money
I can't get information about our financial situation.
My partner says I have enough to do without being bothered by financial decisions.
I have to account for every dime I spend and also figure out how to make ends meet.
My partner spends money on whatever he wants. He gets angry and blames me when he needs money and there's none left.
My partner won't give me a household allowance, so whenever I need some money I have to ask him for it.
My partner says that with all he does for me I ought to be glad to support him financially.
My partner gives me everything I want, but he always reminds me that I could never live so well without him.
My partner doesn't work. He takes money out of my pocketbook or steals my stuff and sells it.
Control Through Shifting Responsibility
If I tell my partner that he's too bossy and critical, he tells me I'm immature. We always end up picking apart my personality.
My partner says that he can't stay clean and sober because he lives with a bitch like me.
My partner says that if I ever leave him, he'll kill himself and I'll be responsible.
My partner lost his job and blamed me for it. Now he refuses to work.
My partner says he wouldn't lose his temper if I kept the kids quieter.
My partner says he wouldn't go after other women so much if I kept myself up better.
My partner says he'd take me out more if I weren't so stupid.
My partner says he's always good-natured with other people, so it must be what I do that makes him lose control of himself.
Control Through Limiting Contact with Other People
When I want to go out, my partner starts a fight.
My partner doesn't like me to spend time with my family, with or without him.
My partner tells me I never give him enough of my time or energy, that I care more for my friends and family than I do for him.
Although he never says it directly, I think my partner wants me to ask his permission before I go somewhere.
My partner grills me about what happened whenever I go out.
My partner accuses me of having affairs.
My partner made me late for work so many times that I lost my job.
When I spend time with women friends, my partner accuses me of being a lesbian.
Control Through Physical Intimidation
My partner blocks the door so I can't leave during an argument.
My partner scares me when he's angry by standing very close to me and clenching his fists. When we argue, I'm sometimes afraid of what he might do, so I stop arguing.
My partner drives recklessly whenever he is angry at me, and it scares me to death.
My partner throws things around and breaks things.
My partner destroys my clothes and my favorite things.
My partner refuses to leave when I ask him to.
My partner won't let me sleep.
Control Through Sexual Humiliation
My partner pressures me to have sex in ways that make me uncomfortable.
My partner makes sexual jokes about me in front of the children and other people.
My partner makes fun of my body.
My partner tries to seduce my friends and family members.
My partner forces me to dress in ways he thinks are "sexy" but that makes me feel uncomfortable.
My partner compares me to women in pornographic magazines and videos.
My partner tells dirty jokes that are degrading to me and to women in general.
Control Through Physical and Sexual Violence
My partner throws things at me.
My partner beats my head against the wall.
My partner chokes me.
My partner kicks me.
My partner shoves and pushes me.
My partner hits me.
My partner forces me to have sex with others.
My partner rapes me.
My partner threatens me with weapons.
My partner hurts me and then won't let me go to the hospital or to a doctor.
Myths and Realities of an Abuser
From 'Lundy Bancroft'
These myths may prevent you from correctly identifying abusive behaviors even when you are feeling uncomfortable with such behaviors. You may justify such abusive behaviors if you buy into these myths.
Myths: These are some of the myths about abusive men (may apply to women also)
He was abused as a child.
His previous partner hurt him.
He abuses those he loves the most.
He holds in his feelings too much.
He has an aggressive personality.
He loses control.
He is too angry.
He is mentally ill.
He is afraid of intimacy and abandonment.
He hates women.
He has low self-esteem.
His boss mistreats him.
He is a victim of racism.
He abuses alcohol or drugs.
There are as many abusive women as abusive men.
His abusiveness is as bad for him as for his partner.
He has poor skills in communication and conflict resolution.
Realities: These are the hidden realities (may apply to women also)
He is controlling.
He feels entitled.
He twists things into their opposites.
He disrespects his partner and considers himself superior to her.
He confuses love and abuse.
He is manipulative.
He strives to have a good public image.
He feels justified.
Abusers deny and minimize their abuse.
What are the stages at which abuse/violence arises or escalates
Before commitment - He or his family may push hard for a quick commitment, engagement or marriage.
After one commits to the relationship
After marriage
After pregnancy
After a child is born
Any major life change like job change, death etc.
Ask yourself this key question
Does he/she behave in a disrespectful/ unhealthy/abusive manner with others
Colleagues?
Friends?
People at the stores?
Neighbors?
Or he/she behaves abusively ONLY with the partner in the privacy of the home when no outsiders are watching? If this is the case, it is not a lack of self control, lack of anger management skill or a mental problem. It is a deliberately chosen behavior to abuse the partner without letting others see or know about it. The abusive partner is careful not to get caught breaking a law and makes all efforts to maintain a good public image while abusing the partner at home, even in the presence of the children.
The signs of being a victim
According to author and psychoanalyst Robin Stern, Ph.D
You constantly second-guess yourself.
You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” multiple times a day.
You often feel confused and even crazy.
You’re always apologizing to your partner.
You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.
You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.
You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
You have trouble making simple decisions.
You have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
You feel hopeless and joyless.
You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
You wonder if you are a “good enough” partner.
