A proposal for preventing Domestic Violence (DV)
in the future Indian American families
Work in progress
What is Domestic abuse/violence (DV)?
This article is based on my study and understanding of large variety of best known books and websites related to Domestic abuse over many years. There are some listed in appendix A. Domestic abuse is also called ‘Intimate Partner Violence (IPV)’, ‘Domestic violence’ or ‘Relationship abuse’. In this page, I have focused on men abusing women as DV affects far more women than men. But many of the points mentioned apply to both male and female abusers.
DV is defined as a pattern of coercive behavior and tactics used by someone against their intimate partner in an attempt to gain or maintain power and control. Domestic violence is a culturally learned and socially condoned behavior. The types of abuse can include physical, sexual, psychological, and economic abuse. It is a consciously chosen behavior.” (Ref 1, 2)
Please note that the definition does not mention only violent physical acts as one may normally expect from the word “violence’. The key words in the definition are -
Intimate Partner: The target of violence is not an outsider. Own partner is the only target of violence.
Pattern: The violent actions have a pattern whose goal is to gain control over the partner and effectively silence her by a variety of tactics including being nice periodically, creating a wonderful public image of own self, isolating the partner from friends and relatives etc.
Behavior: No one knows or cares what the abusive partner thinks. What matters is how he/she speaks and acts with the partner.
Maintain: The abusive words and actions are not one off. They keep repeating over and over periodically and unpredictably to keep the partner being afraid thinking when the abuser is going to flare up next.
Power: The recurring abusive words and actions lead to subjugation of the partner, making her/him behave like a puppet or slave.
Control: The ultimate result of the words and actions is that the abuser gains mental and physical control over the partner. The partner is brainwashed into thinking she/he can’t make any choices without worrying about the abuser’s reactions. The result is choking even the inner voice of the partner.
Why the society needs to be concerned about Domestic Violence against women?
Here is the magnitude of the problem: During the calendar year 2020, the US National Domestic Violence Hotline received 1745 calls, texts and chats in a DAY which comes to 636,968 contacts for the year. The Hotline could answer only 57% of them (Ref 3). In the year 2017, 30,000 women were killed by their ‘intimate partners’ worldwide (82 killed everyday) (Ref 4). The women were killed while they were living with their so called ‘trusted’ partners and while they were caring for the killers and their children. The men had enough self awareness and self control, evidenced by the fact that they did not kill anyone outside their homes. They consciously and deliberately chose to kill their own partners! How do we explain this?
If a man can take the extreme step of killing his intimate partner and being jailed for long periods, is it difficult to imagine him abusing her in other ways at far less risk to himself? You might have seen such behavior in your close circles or heard about such behavior from trusted sources. A lot more men abuse their partners without killing them. They may abuse in one or more ways - psychologically, economically, verbally, physically and sexually. Statistics show that 1 in 4 women aged 18 and older in the United States have been the victims of ‘severe physical violence’ by an intimate partner in their lifetime. If you know 20 women, it is likely that from 3 to 6 of them are being abused physically by their partners. Are they not someone's daughters and sisters? No one may tell you about it and you may not see it, as it happens in the privacy of their home. The children in the home are most likely to hear and see the abuses and will suffer from the trauma. Such children are themselves more likely to become abusers or victims compared with those who did not live with such parents. The woman would not tell anyone about the abuse for a variety of reasons only she can understand.
One form of DV is ‘psychological aggression’ which is defined as the man calling his partner demeaning names like ugly, fat, stupid, or making her feel insulted, humiliated, made fun of, acted upon angrily in a way that seemed dangerous, being told she is a loser, not being good enough, and made threats to inflict physical harm. Nearly one in two women (and men as well but we are not talking about them in this paper) in the United States have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime. Again, if you know 20 women 7 to 13 of them may be victims of psychological aggression. Most of us would have seen such abusive behavior in our own family and friend circles but taken it for granted wrongly attributing it to the nature of that person. If it is the nature of that person he would behave in the same abusive way at work, in the stores and with friends. Does he do that? No! What does that mean? In the context of this paper, the words ‘Demean’, ‘Abuse’, ‘Violence’ and ‘Control’ are used interchangeably.
Domestic abuse/violence can happen in any relationship - dating partners, intimate partners, married , living together, heterosexual, lesbian, boss and subordinate, parents and children. The abuser can be a man or woman. In this paper we focus only on the men abusing their women partners in an intimate heterosexual partnership in the USA.
Drivers and enablers of DV
There are multiple drivers and enablers of male abuse such as
Unbalanced exercise of ‘power’ and ‘control’ by the male partner over the female partner
‘Male entitlement’, meaning, a man’s unchallenged belief that he has a right to control, discipline and punish his partner to comply with his needs and wishes.
Female partners being unable to counter the abusers or get out of the abusive relationship due to psychological, economic, social and religious barriers.
The abuser’s own family and others may actively or silently justify his actions.
Agencies to help survivors of DV
There are federal and state funded agencies to help current survivors with information, guidance and support in most counties in the US, through 24/7 Hotlines, counselors, legal services and shelters. They have specially trained staff with experience in offering right support to the survivors of DV. These agencies also have educational outreach specialists to preempt abusive behaviors by teaching children and teens about healthy, unhealthy and abusive behaviors. The contact details of such agencies, local and national are listed in Appendix B.
What can we do to detect DV and take protective steps (See appendix C)
To prevent having to live with an abuser, the woman needs to be capable of
detecting the abusive symptoms in the man without letting him confuse her by his intermittent positive behavior.
detecting the abusive behaviors masked as loving behaviors.
effectively confronting the suspected abuser to expose his true nature
once confirmed, get out of the abusive relationship as early as possible with minimum damage.
Experts emphasize that only a small percentage of abusers change their behavior permanently, even after attending special programs designed for abusers.
Focusing on the Indian origin families living in USA
This paper is tailored to meet the needs of Indian origin families in the capital region with the goal of preempting abuse in ‘future relationships’. It is not for countering current abuse. We will use the terms ‘Husband’ and ‘Wife’ hereafter.
The wife can’t preempt abuse alone. She needs many others to support her, in bringing about this momentous change in how society has tolerated and indirectly promoted abuse for centuries. But presently, she is all alone because most of those around her knowingly or unknowingly ignore or support abusive behavior by the husband. Who are they?
The families of the husband or/and wife
The friends of the family who directly witness the abusive behavior multiple times and do absolutely nothing.
The neighbors of the family who are likely to know or witness his abusive behavior but don’t know what to do or don’t like to intervene.
The agencies having the restraining and disciplining powers over the abuser like the police and the judges.
The mental and physical health professionals who have the unique opportunity of meeting the survivors and children in private and seeing their physical and mental injuries.
The religious leaders whose help is sought by some survivors.
The community leaders who are likely to see such abusive behavior or come to know from authentic sources.
The women can’t bank on the support of above silent and indirect allies of the abuser to help her. She has to develop her own capability to detect the abusive behavior and protect herself. She can get the most reliable guidance and support she needs from the trained and experienced agencies listed in Appendix B.
Future partners’ legal agreement for preventing DV in the future partnerships
The following is a tentative proposal. Its purpose is to initiate a discussion on preventing the young woman from becoming a helpless victim of domestic violence even after the partner has shown clear abusive behavior. It is based on my detailed study and understanding of the books and websites on DV and relationships listed in appendix A. The proposal is for the future partners to work out a mutually accepted agreement on the lines mentioned below. These conditions are only illustrative to initiate a different approach towards preventing DV. The future partners need to develop their own versions of the agreement and make it a legal agreement. Both partners are to keep copies of the agreement and share copies with their families.
The future partners agree on ...
The last name of the wife: The wife should have the option of keeping her maiden last name. If both partners wish, they may change their last names to a new mutually agreed name. The purpose of this condition is to preempt ‘Male dominance’ and dominance of the husband’s family over the wife. It is to negate the impression that the woman is his/their ‘property’, just like his car or house to be treated as he wishes with no concern for her needs, choices, thoughts and feelings. This is to eliminate the ownership thinking of the man’s family over the woman. A clear message should be sent to both families that the woman is not anyone’s property but a life partner of the man with equal rights and responsibilities.
Household chores: If both partners work full time, which is common in most families, the household chores, like taking care of the children, cooking, cleaning, laundry, financial, legal, yard maintenance etc. should be shared in an equitable and mutually satisfactory manner. The special demands placed on the woman during her illness, pregnancy, childbirth and recovery should be appropriately met by the husband making necessary adjustments from his side.
Leisure time: Both partners should have leisure time and freedom to pursue their individual interests. The distribution of the household chores has to be done to make this feasible.
Friends circle: Each of them should have the freedom and time to maintain their own circle of friends. Neither partner can restrict the other partner’s right to choose own friends and contacts.
Parental family connections: Both partners should have freedom to maintain their own family connections and should ensure both of them get respectful treatment from both families. Disrespect or abuse by either family should be corrected by the respective partner.
Conversation and Confrontation skills: Both partners should acquire the skills of healthy conversation and confrontation to resolve their differences in a healthy manner, without resorting to silence or violence.(See recommended books)
Counseling: If their unreconciled differences persist, they should commit to seek counseling. Going into silence, being passively aggressive or resorting to verbal or physical violence will automatically result in the relationship being put on hold. See next step.
Relationship to be put on hold: If the differences remain unresolved, they agree to stop having intimacy, don’t take the other for granted and take extra care to be nice to the other, for at least 6 months. This may be extended for a mutually agreed period if they are seriously working on restoring the healthy relationship and find positive developments.
Separation: The relationship will be terminated if the differences do not get resolved to mutual satisfaction within 12 months. The details of settlement like property distribution, child custody etc. are spelled out in this agreement with the help of a lawyer.
References (1) US National Hotline for Domestic Violence
(2) NYS Coalition against Domestic Violence
(3) Impact report 2020 National Hotline
(4) United Nations report 2018
Appendix A: DV - Suggested Books and websites
Books
Clicking on the links leads to the amazon reviews page of the respective book.
When Love Goes Wrong: What to Do When You Can’t Do Anything Right by Ann Jones & Susan Schechter
Getting Free: A Handbook for Women in Abusive Relationships by Ginny NiCarthy
Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can and Should be Saved by Lundy Bancroft and JAC Patrissi
It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence by Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger R. Hock
Surviving domestic violence - Voices of women who broke free by Elaine Weiss
Why does he do that - Inside the minds of angry and abusive men by Lundy Bancroft, a text book on abusers.
Emotional blackmail - When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward
Through their eyes - When Dad hurts Mom by YWCA Seattle Online booklet - Full text with pictures
Websites
The Hotline US National Hotline for Domestic violence for anyone to get information, guidance and support on Domestic violence
Love is respect Specially designed to engage, educate and empower young people to prevent and end abusive relationships.
Join One Love National organization to educate young people on the topic of healthy and unhealthy relationships, as both a primary prevention strategy for relationship abuse and as an investment in the relationship health of the next generation.
Wikipedia on DV
National Coalition against DV - Wiki page
Appendix B: DV Agencies
Call any of these FREE 24/7 Hotlines to share your concerns, get guidance and support in New York State (Every county in the US has similar Hotlines)
New York State
Equinox (Albany County) 518-432-7865
Unity House (Rensselaer County) 518-272-2370
Wellspring (Saratoga County) 518-584-8188
OPDV (Any county) 800-942-6906
NYS Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence)
New york State Domestic Violence Directory (for every county) https://www.nyscadv.org/find-help/program-directory.html
National
National Hotline (Any county) 800-799-7233
Appendix C: Detecting abusive behaviors
The experts emphasize that the abusers behave charmingly during the courtship phase of the relationship. Most of them will not show any behavior that may alert the woman and her family to the man’s potential for abusive behavior.
The stages of the relationship at which the abusive nature of the man may show up
Before commitment: He or/and his family push hard for an early commitment by the woman and her family even when the girl and family are not comfortable. Not giving the woman enough time to get to know the man and his family is a red flag. Ignoring this red flag and going ahead with the relationship gives the man and his family the impression that the woman and her family can be manipulated. The foundation for future abuse is laid.
After commitment: The man behaves in a controlling manner with the woman which comes as a surprise/shock to the woman and/or family. Ignoring this and silently fuming is a serious mistake as it opens the road for escalation of the abuse.
After marriage: Now the abusive behavior may show up without any shadow of doubt. The woman is shocked to see this totally unexpected behavior of her new husband whom she trusted and dreamed of a happy life with him.
After confirmation of pregnancy: The abuser further steps up the abusive behavior without any mercy towards his wife or their child she is carrying.
After the birth of a child: The abuser escalates abuse and may even abuse the child by neglect and even directly abuse verbally, emotionally and physically.
The warning signs of abuse during courtship/dating
He is disrespectful towards you.
He is controlling.
He is possessive.
Nothing is ever his fault.
He is self-centered.
He has double standards.
He treats you differently around other people.
He gets serious too quickly about the relationship.
He does favors for you that you don’t want or puts on such a show of generosity that it makes you uncomfortable.
He intimidates you when he is angry.
He has negative attitudes towards women.
He speaks disrespectfully about his former spouse.
He appears to be attracted to vulnerability.
He abuses drugs or alcohol.
He pressures you for sex.
‘Gaslighting’?
This term comes from the 1938 stage play Gas Light, in which a husband attempts to drive his wife crazy by dimming the lights (which were powered by gas) in their home, and then he denies that the light changed when his wife points it out. It is an extremely effective form of emotional abuse that causes a victim to question their own feelings, instincts, and sanity, which gives the abusive partner a lot of power (and we know that abuse is about power and control). Once an abusive partner has broken down the victim’s ability to trust their own perceptions, the victim is more likely to stay in the abusive relationship.
Does your partner repeatedly say things like the following to you? Do you often start questioning your own perception of reality, even your own sanity, within your relationship? If so, your partner may be using “gaslighting.”
“You’re crazy – that never happened.”
“Are you sure? You tend to have a bad memory.”
“It’s all in your head.”
There are a variety of gaslighting techniques that an abusive partner might use:
Withholding: the abusive partner pretends not to understand or refuses to listen. Ex. “I don’t want to hear this again,” or “You’re trying to confuse me.”
Countering: the abusive partner questions the victim’s memory of events, even when the victim remembers them accurately. Ex. “You’re wrong, you never remember things correctly.”
Blocking/Diverting: the abusive partner changes the subject and/or questions the victim’s thoughts. Ex. “Is that another crazy idea you got from [friend/family member]?” or “You’re imagining things.”
Trivializing: the abusive partner makes the victim’s needs or feelings seem unimportant. Ex. “You’re going to get angry over a little thing like that?” or “You’re too sensitive.”
Forgetting/Denial: the abusive partner pretends to have forgotten what actually occurred or denies things like promises made to the victim. Ex. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” or “You’re just making stuff up.”
Gaslighting typically happens very gradually in a relationship; in fact, the abusive partner’s actions may seem harmless at first. Over time, however, these abusive patterns continue and a victim can become confused, anxious, isolated, and depressed, and they can lose all sense of what is actually happening. Then they start relying on the abusive partner more and more to define reality, which creates a very difficult situation to escape.
The signs of being a victim
In order to overcome this type of abuse, it’s important to start recognizing the signs and eventually learn to trust yourself again. According to author and psychoanalyst Robin Stern, Ph.D., the signs of being a victim of gaslighting include:
You constantly second-guess yourself.
You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” multiple times a day.
You often feel confused and even crazy.
You’re always apologizing to your partner.
You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.
You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.
You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
You have trouble making simple decisions.
You have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
You feel hopeless and joyless.
You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
You wonder if you are a “good enough” partner.
25 Relationship red flags (25 Slides)
25 Risk Factors for Domestic Violence
Helpful Lists for Domestic Violence Victims and Survivors
Appendix D: Healthy Relationships - Books
By Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler
Crucial conversations - Tools for talking when stakes are high by $9.
Book notes - 21 pages Chapter summaries
By Marshal b. Rosenberg
Four elements of NVC: Facts - Feelings - Needs - Requests.
By Xavier Amodor
It is possible to have a fruitful dialogue using the L-E-A-P template.
L is to ‘listen’ reflectively. E is for ‘empathize’. A is for ‘agree’. P is to ‘partner’
By Mark Goulston
Just listen - Discover the secret to get through to absolutely anyone $8.
Talking to crazy - How to deal with the irrational and impossible people in your life $12
By Susan Forward
Toxic parents - Overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life $6
Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage $6
By Karl Pellimer
30 lessons for loving - Advice from the Wisest Americans on Love, Relationships, and Marriage $15.
Top ten lessons - by the author
By Harriet B. Braiker
The disease to please - Curing the people pleasing syndrome $6
Other authors
Emotional vampires - Dealing with people who drain you dry by Albert J.Bernstein $4
Related articles
‘Domestic Abuse' * Affecting Indian American Women
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