Excellent Education, Income, Wealth and Social Status don't protect a woman or man 

from Domestic Abuse/Violence (DV)

This was the email I sent to over 200 people of India origin in my mailing list on June 29, 2021

Dear friends

Most parents try their best to give their children good education and life skills and hope they will have a good job & income. They wish for them a compatible life partner, happy married life and charming children. Sadly, one vital life kill is not on the agenda. It is 'the knowledge and skills needed to 'identify healthy/unhealthy/abusive relationships' in family, relatives, friends and coworkers and 'how to make and keep healthy relationships'. 

For married people in an unhealthy/abusive relationship, lack of 'relationship skills' combined with lack of appropriate 'support from their family and community', may lead to serious consequences, including death, as the recent newspaper report of Vismaya in India shows. Vismaya, a 24 years old Ayurveda Doctor in the state of Kerala, committed suicide on June 22 2021 by hanging herself in her in-law's house, due to the emotional harassment and physical torture by her husband. In this context, you may recollect the two murder-suicides due to domestic violence in Selkrik and Schodack of the capital region of NYS in the last one year which happened in the homes of Indian origin persons. In these two cases, one wife, one daughter and one mother-in-law were shot and killed, one wife who was shot escaped with bleeding wounds and the two husbands committed suicide after committing the murders. One couple who died were state employees. The husband in the second family was a respected businessman liked by his employees. These families lived in middle class neighborhoods. In at least one case, the neighbors were aware of the domestic violence. [See note (3)]

Domestic abuse/violence (DV) is not uncommon among the Indian immigrants in the US, majority of whom are educated/well placed. In addition to the known and reported cases, DV is secretly traumatizing a good number of women, men and children of the Indian community RIGHT NOW. More number of women are victims or survivors compared with men. DV affected families appear to be quite normal to their friends and community members. Many of the abusers are seen serving the community as volunteers, making donations and seen as devotees of Gods and saints. Statistics show that the children exposed to DV are more likely to become abusers or victims when they become adults and more likely to suffer from mental health issues than children not exposed to DV. Thus, this "Culturally learned and socially condoned abusive behavior [See note (1)]" is passed on from one generation to the next and is bound to continue forever, in spite of the phenomenal advancements like landing people on the moon and successful vaccines for COVID. Abuse is widely prevalent at the dating stage itself. According to the specialists in this field, the potential solutions to address and eliminate DV are 

(a) Adults need to scientifically educate themselves and their adolescent/adult children about unhealthy and abusive behaviors and how to protect themselves from such people.

(b) Families and community to offer enlightened and timely support to the women and men impacted by DV at any point of their lives.

(c) If anyone knows that a person known to them is suffering due to domestic abuse/violence, they need to intervene appropriately as a bystander, instead of passively hoping/praying that such heart-rending tragedies like the ones cited above will not happen to their family members/relatives/friends/coworkers.

The following brochures provide important information like Hotline numbers to text, chat or call anonymously by the affected persons or anyone on their behalf. 

(1) How to identify healthy, unhealthy and abusive relationships PDF. This brochure answers common questions like: 

What is Domestic Violence/Abuse (DV)?

Who are the victims of DV?

Can men be victims of DV? 

Who are the abusers? 

Is there any way to tell that someone will be abusive in one’s relationship?

What causes DV?

Why don’t victims leave at the first sign of abuse?

Why do they feel trapped?, 

What help is available for victims of DV?

What does a DV program do?

Are there resources for male victims of domestic abuse?

Is help available for abusers who want to stop? 

Can abusers change?

If I see or hear people fighting something, should I call the police? 

What good is an Order of Protection?

What do I do if someone I know is being abused?

(2) Domestic abuse 101PDF

Myths about DV

Red flags of DV

What can someone do to prevent DV?

Bystanders can be upstanders.

Hotline numbers 

What to expect when you call a hotline number?

More resources

Human rights organization in India - breakthrough India

Resources & Information for survivors of Domestic violence - 

from Breakthrough India

New York State Office for Prevention of Domestic Violence

Resources

A request

If a member of the Indian community is willing to join the proposed 'Study Group For Domestic Abuse/Violence in the Indian Community of NYS Capital Region', please let me know your email ID and phone number to form such a group. I would like to share a large collection of study materials with the members of such a group. Eliminating the myths and acquiring a sound knowledge base is the first step in tackling this intergenerational malady. Please feel free to share this mail with your family and friends. I would be grateful to you for your comments, questions, attention and consideration. 

Notes

(1) I would like to adopt the definition of DV offered by Margaret Abraham, Professor of Sociology at Hofstra University NY,  in her book "Speaking the Unspeakable". I think her definition is more appropriate for Indian culture than the American definition. According to her, 'Marital Violence' means  "any form of coercion, power, and control -  physical, sexual, verbal, mental, or economic - perpetuated on a woman by her spouse or extended kin, arising from social relations that are created within the context of the marriage."  Professor Abraham  justifies including the relatives on the ground that for South Asians (people from India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Bhutan, Nepal and Sri Lanka), marriage is normatively defined not as a relationship between two individuals but as an alliance between two families. She further says "often the extended kin are partners in the husband's crime, whether through their silence or through their active involvement in the perpetration of the abuse.

(3) Two cases of murder-suicide in the Indian community in the last one year, including a 14 year old girl.  

Murder suicide in Selkrik NYS  Sept 2020 - The husband shot and killed his wife, then committed suicide. 

Murder suicide in Schodack NYS  Jan 2021 - The 57-year-old Bhupinder Singh shot and killed his mother-in-law, Manjeet Kaur, 55, and his daughter, Jasleen Kaur, 14. Then he committed suicide. His wife, Rashpal Kaur, 40, suffered wounds to her arm but survived.