‘Domestic Abuse' * Affecting Indian American Women
* Also called 'Domestic Violence' (DV) and 'Marital Violence'
What is DV?
I would like to adopt the definition offered by Margaret Abraham, Professor of Sociology at Hofstra University NY, in her book "Speaking the Unspeakable" - Rutgers University Press 2000. I think her definition is more appropriate for Indian culture than the American definition. According to her, 'Marital Violence' means "any form of coercion, power, and control - physical, sexual, verbal, mental, or economic - perpetuated on a woman by her spouse or extended kin, arising from social relations that are created within the context of the marriage." Professor Abraham justifies including the relatives on the ground that for South Asians (people from India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Bhutan, Nepal and Sri Lanka), marriage is normatively defined not as a relationship between two individuals but as an alliance between two families. She further says "often the extended kin are partners in the husband's crime, whether through their silence or through their active involvement in the perpetration of the abuse."
Real life cases
To protect the privacy of the families, identities are revealed only for the first two bulleted items in the following section as these cases were already published in the press. The remaining cases are not from Albany, Rensselaer, Schenectady and Saratoga counties. They indicate the variety and severity of abuses. It is shocking to know that such atrocities are being committed by highly educated upper middle class men of Indian origin. Also surprising is the fact that most of the equally qualified and employed women feel helpless in stopping the abuse or getting out of the abusive relationship. The number of local women affected is beyond belief.
It is also a fact that there are significant number of women in their thirties to fifties are abusing their husbands verbally, emotionally and physically. The problem of men being abused by their partners will be taken up later.
Physical abuse
Two cases of murder-suicide: A woman, her 9 year old daughter and her mother were shot by her husband, a businessman in Schodack. Then he killed himself. Her daughter and mother died but she survived running out of the house with injuries (Press Report Sept 2020). In the second case the husband shot and killed his wife and then killed himself. Both were state employees living in Selkirk (Press report Jan 2021).
One case of suicide: Mandeep Kaur, an NY resident, died by suicide after allegedly facing domestic abuse from her husband for 8 years- Article in thequint.com Aug 2022. Video by Mandeep Kaur before commiting suicide
“We (South Asians) experience higher than average gender-based violence. The global average is one in three - 33%. In USA the average is one in four - 25%. For the South Asian diaspora in USA, it is two in every five- 40%.” Said Kavita Mehra, Executive Director, Sakhi for South Asian Women in the above article.
Unbelievable physical violence: "I have suffered physical abuse - like 120 plus injuries over my head because of which I can't drive. I pass out without any reason. I have 24 stitches over my face. I don't know how many other body injuries. One eye permanently damaged. I survived 25 abortions. It's heartbreaking. He was the owner of the hospital. So doctors were under his control. He made my bedroom a hospital. I was given IV fluids at home. Whenever I needed some treatment or I was bleeding, doctors were called at home and I was getting treated at home" Excerpts from the interview of the survivor Anju. 2022
Husbands kicking pregnant wives.
A husband slapped his wife so hard that her eardrum burst resulting in hearing loss.
Husbands strangling their wives (Placing the fingers around the throat and pushing against a wall but not till the wife passes out)
Wives and children calling the police.
Husbands physically abusing their wives in the presence of their parents who sometimes even instigate their son to abuse.
Intimacy abuse
A grad student in the US married a man in India in an arranged marriage for which both agreed. Her husband refused to have any intimacy, saying his mother did not give her approval. She divorced him in a few months.
A woman in her fifties has been baselessly harassed for decades by her husband for alleged infidelity. They have not been intimate for many years. Their daughter has mental health problems.
Some women have been living with their husbands for decades without any intimacy.
Abuse in love marriages
A woman married a college classmate she knew for many years and came to US. After a child was born, he started abusing her verbally, emotionally and even physically. She divorced him.
Impact on the mental health of children
In several families, children from toddlers to college students have mental health problems like anxiety, ADHD, panic attacks and depression as a result of witnessing repetitive violence committed by their fathers on their mothers. Their mothers being the primary caregivers, any threat to their mothers is highly traumatic to the children. Such children are undergoing counseling, medication and in-patient psychiatric treatment.
Electronic Surveillance
A husband installed monitoring cameras at home to keep a continuous record of his wife's activities when he is not in the house.
Some abusers insist on having access to their partner’s electronic devices but don't allow their devices to be accessed.
Abandoned by husband
A female physician and her parents were harassed by the inlaws. Her husband complied with his mother's instructions and refused to live with his wife and children for more than 20 years. She raised her 2 children by herself with minimal contribution from him but has not divorced him.
Above cases are indicative of the serious and multifaceted nature of Domestic Abuse problem.
“About 1 in 5 women and about 1 in 7 men report having experienced severe physical violence from an intimate partner in their lifetime.” - CDC. DV affects families irrespective of their economic status and religion.
Salient features of DV
Age
Victims are in all age groups - twenties to fifties. Barring exceptions most of them are employed and some are highly respected professionals at work.
Affected families look normal to outsiders
To the outsiders, the families look normal, like any other in the neighborhood. Both partners put up a normal front outside. Some victims may not have told their parents, relatives or friends about the ongoing abuse.
Abusers project an excellent image outside the house
The abusive husbands are careful not to abuse their wives in the presence of outsiders. They abuse only in the privacy of their home. Most abusers take extra care to project an excellent even charing image of themselves by volunteering their time for community organizations, donating money, participating in community's religious practices etc. The abuser may be staunch followers of their religion, gurus or saints. Many abusers have a sweet smile on their faces when dealing with their partners and others when in public places. If the abused wife tells outsiders about the his abusive behavior with her, people find it very difficult to believe her.
Abuser's parents play an active role
In majority of cases the abuser's mother, father or siblings play an active role as instigators, silent supporters or indifferent/callous witnesses to the abuser's behavior of the husband with his wife and even children. Some even directly abuse their daughter-in-law. In many communities the mother-in-law is licenced to openly abuse her daughter-in-law and no one dares to call her out including her husband, sons and daughters.
Victim's parents play a significant role
Majority of victims' parents pressurize their daughter to keep the marriage in tact even when they know that their daughter and grandchildren are being severely abused in an ongoing manner. They try to hide the abuse as they feel ashamed about it or afraid of being burdened with supporting their daughter and children if she separates.
DV is not a psychological problem
This becomes clear when we watch their civilized or diplomatic behavior when they are dissatisfied or angry at their own parents, siblings, relatives, coworkers, people at the stores, neighbors or friends. This proves that they are capable of managing their anger when it comes to outsiders but when dealing with their partners at home, they choose to express their anger in an abusive manner. That is the reason why there is no disorder called "Domestic abuse/violence" in text books of psychology.
Marriage counseling and individual therapy
Experts in DV strongly advise against marriage counseling as it implies that the wife is also contributing to the problem.
There are court mandated 'Anger management classes' called 'Batterer's treatment programs' (BIP) for violent abusers who are arrested and brought to the judge and the judge asks them to choose between jail time and attending a BIP with compulsory attendance monitored by the court. These are done in a group setting. With full attendance 60% of the abusers change their behavior. The rest 40% relapse into violent behavior.
Periodically showing caring and loving behavior is a part of the strategy
In order to keep the victim in the relationship and perpetuate the abuse, the abusers periodically shower their partners with caring and loving behavior, like giving them gifts and helping out etc. After some time they suddenly resume the abuse for no reason or a silly reason. And the cycle keeps repeating keeping the victim hooked and constantly walking on egg shells. If threatened with separation, they cry, beg, plead and promise to behave well. If the wife believes his remorse and promises and continues in the relationship, the abuser resumes the abuse.
Victims' parental support is uncertain
Some parents of victims actively support their daughters at all stages but many others refuse to get involved no matter what happens to their daughters and grandchildren.
Girls who witness their fathers abuse their mothers
When girls watch their father abusing their mother, they are more likely to adopt a similar helpless attitude towards their abusive husbands though they may be employed and earning enough to support themselves and their children.
Children are affected in many ways
Adults and children deserve and need to feel safe and respected in their homes for their emotional, mental and physical health. When children witness the chronic palpable tension and verbal, emotional or physical violence between their parents their developing brains are malformed. They may remain disturbed individuals for their lifetime, unable to build healthy relationships as adults, unless they undergo trauma-informed therapy. Children exposed to DV are more likely to become abusers or victims compared with others brought up in safe homes. Surveys have shown that the fathers who abuse their wives are more likely to abuse their children compared to those who don't. In most cases, abuse happens in the presence of the children. Younger children feel unsafe in their own homes and with their own father who is supposed to protect them. They don't understand why their father is abusing their mother and feel it is their responsibility to protect their mother. Older children are afraid of telling outsiders for fear of being punished. If they tell the school counselors about the abuse or call the police, they are severely punished by the abuser. The school counselrs are mandated to report to Child Protective Services for an investigation. Boys who witness their father abuse their mother are more likely to abuse their own wives.
Myths and Realities
Myths in the minds of victims living with abusive husbands
I have to stay for financial stability
Better for the kids to stay together.
Kids are fine, they are not affected.
How I will support the kids?
Realities not recognized by such victims
Children growing up with abusive fathers develop emotional problems, behavioral issues and need psychiatric medications which deprive them of healthy emotions as well.
Children would prefer living with a single parent having less money over a violent home with extra money.
Child support has to be paid by the spouse as per law.
Alimony has to be paid by the spouse depending on her income.
Mothers need to do whatever is necessary to help their children grow up stress free and reach their full potential in life.
Children learn from their parents to abuse or to be victims.
Lawyers with the DV agencies can counsel regarding rights, child support etc. free of charge.
Victims need to break the generational trauma.
Quick reference Resource page, Brochures and Poster
Surprisingly, even the local American women born and brought up in the area are not aware of the basic features of DV, the DV agencies and their contact details. Most healthcare providers are in a similar position.
A set of two PDF brochures that provide a bird's eye view of DV -
Healthy, Unhealthy and Abusive relationships Brochure 1 of 2
Domestic abuse 101 Brochure 2 of 2
A letter size poster (8.5" x11") for a bulletin board -
“Is it Ok for a family member to control you, hurt you or out you down?”Letter size poster for a bulletin board
‘Domestic Abuse 101” - a web page with extensive information and links
Are there any steps that helped abused women cope with, discourage and end the abuse?
Try any of the following that you consider safe. You are the only person who can decide what is safe from your past experience, no one else can do that.
When you think that the abuser is going to become aggressive verbally, emotionally or physically, calmly say something like the following, leave that place and go into another room in the house or the bathroom for a few minutes. Say something like "I am feeling disturbed. I need to calm myself. I will be able to talk after sometime." This will break the aggressor's tempo and allow both of you to cool down a bit and reduce chances of escalating into a serious situation. Then, return as if nothing happened.
Keep a notepad and pen readily available at all times. When the abuser uses hurtful words, say calmly "I need to write down what you said to think about it." and record the exact words of the abuser. If it is not safe to write down in his presence, do it privately after the incident.
When listening to the agitated partner, focus on your breathing - air entering your nose, into the belly and going out. Keep on doing this as long as he is speaking. This will help you keep your mind cool and avoid adding fuel to the fire. He wants you to engage in verbal and/or physical fight. DON'T take the bait! Alternatively, if you have a favorite chant from your religion, keep chanting silently as long as you are listening to the abusive partner. This will prevent you from getting stressed and adding fuel to the fire.
When you speak, avoid commenting or criticizing the partner's words or behavior. Don't use sentences like "You said this" or "You did that." Instead, use sentences starting with "I" like - "I think...", "I feel .....", and "I need ....". Stand a few feet away, keeping a safe distance. Speak slowly and calmly.
For women who don't have children yet and living with an abusive partner, it is a golden rule to avoid pregnancy until the relationship becomes free from all forms of abuse - verbal, emotional, economic, sexual and physical. It is a DANGEROUS MYTH that the birth of a child will change an abuser's attitude and behavior believing that he will develop an attachment to the child. Instead, the abuser will most likely escalate the violence because now he is more confident that the partner with a child is less likely to leave him.
Keep a private and secure electronic record of the incidents of abuse on a daily basis with as many details as possible. This will show the pattern of his behaviors and prevent his distortion of facts which is a common tactic of the abuser. Abusers routinely lie and deny what they said or did. Such a record will also serve as reliable document to present in case of any legal action.
Keep pictures of visible bruises and injuries with place, date and time in a secure manner.
Secretly record audio and video clips of abusive behavior and keep them private and safe.
Keep in contact with own family and friends even if he discourages. Let your trusted people know what exactly is going on. Isolating from own family and friends is a standard tactic of the abuser to deprive you of positive feedback from them. His goal is to make you feel worthless by constantly injecting negative messages about you into your mind.
By all means, try to find an employment to be able to support yourself. If necessary, enhance your educational level.
Maintain a separate bank account. If he doesn't allow it, save some money and keep it secret from him for an emergency.
Contact the DV agency of your county for a safety plan. Set up a code word with a trusted friend or local person that you can text in an emergency. Agree with that person what they will do on receiving the code word.
Take a screenshot of the 24/7 anonymous DV Hotlines.
Call one or more of the Hotlines privately. The advocates manning the hotlines are trained to help DV victims explore different options with safety as the primary concern. Here is what you can expect when you call a Hotline.
Read 'My Articles on Relationships' for helpful ways of silently interpreting the behavior of the abuser and keeping your mind cool.
DV Agencies & Hotlines for South Asians (India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Nepal, Bhutan, Sri Lanka) - Click the link
Download the above PDF and carry out this anonymous survey with about 20 women in your circle. See if you find any patterns in the relationship problems.
*** ISSUES TO BE CONSIDERED BY THE COMMUNITY LEADERS AND VOLUNTEERS ***
DV against women is not a problem unique to this generation. It has been prevailing for many generations due to multiple factors: myths, secrecy, parental/cultural influence, indifference of the community etc.
DV is a problem for the victim's parents. The women being abused today were the darling girls of their parents - lovingly brought up, educated and married with the hope that they will live happily with their husbands and children. The agony of the victim's parents is difficult to imagine. This has been happening for generations and will continue by default unless effective preventive steps are taken by the parents, community leaders and volunteers in an ongoing manner. Some of today’s happily playing girls are bound to be abused by their partners and in-laws.
DV is a problem for the abuser's parents. Today's husbands abusing their life partners were the darling boys of proud parents. No parent, barring exceptions, feels happy knowing that their son is abusing their daughter-in-law and damaging the mental health of their grandchildren. As it has happened over so many past generations, some of today’s wonderful boys are bound to abuse their life partners who will be from today's happy girls. In many cases the abusers ab use their children as well.
DV is a problem for the brothers and male relatives of the abused woman who may be painfully aware of the abuse but feel unable to help the victim.
Is it not ironical that while the wife, children, her parents , siblings and neighbors who know about the abuse feel agonized on knowing about the ongoing abuse and wish the could to do something about it while the abuser himself, seems to enjoy abusing his life partner for years and decades? Could it be that he is very confident that the abuse will not spill out of the house and even if it does, he will not incur any consequences from his partner, parents, relatives, friends, neighbors and community members?
Can the parents of the abuser & victim and the community leaders create an atmosphere in which the victims feel safe to confidentially disclose the abuse and get multi-pronged support from them and the authorized agencies that operate 24/7 in every county supported by federal funds?
Can we consider systematically educating the girls and boys of today, to be respectful to each other and alert them to the red flags that appear at various stages of the relationship - dating, engagement, marriage, pregnancy, childbirth and anytime later and take proven strategies to protect themselves and their children mentally and physically? This year (2023) Dr Rani Gandham MD (Pediatrics) has initiated a pioneering program for educating the youth on communication and healthy relationships at the Hindu Cultural Center with the help of expert trainers from St Peter's Crime Victim Services.
We welcome your questions, comments and suggestions
We welcome information about DV abuse cases in the US protecting the identity of the victims fully (unless they are already made public) to be included in this page. The goal is to make the 'invisible elephant' (DV) visible, create awareness and promote coping and prevention strategies.
This page is created in collaboration with my daughter Padma Sripada MD (Internal Medicine). She can be reached by email or whatsapp# +15189563432 and I 'Suryanarayana Chennapragada (or Surya in short)' can be reached by email or whatsapp number +1518 956 3433 .
Related information
Youtube Video of daughter-in-law being battered by a retired high court judge and family in India 2019
Article on the above case Sept 2019
'Through their eyes - Domestic violence and its impact on children' - Booklet with drawings by the affected children - 38 pages
Domestic violence - Finding safety and support - NYS Office for Prevention of Domestic Violence (OPDV) Small size booklet 88 pages
Dating violence - Tri-fold brochure
The impact of DV on health 1 page
DV update for Clinicians - Power Point thumbnails 8 pages
A community fights back to end DV in Santa Clara County - 9 pages
How can we prevent DV before it starts - CDC 2 pages
Domestic violence - Finding safety and support - NYS Office for Prevention of Domestic Violence (OPDV) Small size booklet 88 pages
Helplines (For multiple problems - Domestic abuse, Problem gambling, Suicide prevention, Child abuse, addictions, Rape-Abuse-Incest, Human trafficking, Information about help for food, shelter etc.) 1 page
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