Introduction 

Let me first introduce myself: My name is Suryanarayana Chennapragada (Yes, it is too long! You can call me ‘Surya’). I am an 80 year old retired Mechanical Engineer who migrated from India in 2003, a US citizen and father of Padma Sripada MD (Internal Medicine). I have been interested in human behavior from my twenties and studying it throughout my life. I learned about meditation on the breath, the first step of Vipassana Meditation, when I was 54 years old and desperately looking for a life saver. I have been practicing and teaching ‘Counting Breaths Meditation’ to adults and children since 2001.

I am not a teacher or trainer of Nonviolent Communication but a passionate student. One has to go through a rigorous process of training and assessment to become certified as an NVC trainer by The Center for Nonviolent Communication. How did I become crazy about NVC? It is a long story. While teaching counting breaths meditation and stress management, I came to know that some of my clients in their thirties to seventies were suffering from severe stress which didn’t get relieved in spite of regular meditation. On probing, they revealed that the cause of their chronic stress was a stressful relationship with their father, mother, partner, boss, coworker or relative. To understand their situation and help them I studied numerous books on relationships, communication, violence in families, parenting, brain science, trauma, therapy, etc. 

Another reason for my keen interest in NVC has been my awareness about numerous cases of domestic violence (verbal, emotional and physical) perpetrated by men and women among my clients, extended families and friends, in the US and India. I studied more than 40 books on domestic violence and related subjects written by experts in their fields. It was clearly brought out in these books that most of the adults who behaved violently - verbally, emotionally, physically or by coercive control towards their partners or children were themselves treated violently or witnessed violence between their parents.

During these explorations, I came across ‘Nonviolent Communication’ and realized that this could be an antidote to all kinds of violence. Now my goal is to share some glimpses of nonviolent communication with others who may be interested. My dream is to be part of a group of people who are keen about learning and practicing nonviolent communication. Towards this goal, I created a whatsapp chat group. Anyone interested can join by clicking on this link.. 

The ideas of nonviolent communication are radically different from what I have been seeing, thinking and practicing for more than 70 years. Initially when listening to youtube videos on NVC, my brain was literally spitting out these unconventional ideas. When I persisted with reading and listening to the videos over many years, it stopped spitting out. But the NVC ideas were entering one ear and exiting right through the other ear. I persisted with injecting NVC into my brain. After many years of listening and reading, I have now come to believe that the principles of NVC are subtly affecting my thoughts, words, responses and behavior. Even now I am not comfortable practicing it with others. I think younger brains may accept nonviolent communication faster and put it into practice quicker. 

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A few quotes from nonviolent communication

• “Anger, Depression, Guilt and Shame are tragic suicidal expressions of unmet needs. These are our friends who draw attention to our or others' unmet needs. ”

• “Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly. We don’t aim at perfection. We try to be progressively less stupid.” With this attitude, we can dare to speak the ‘foreign’ language of NVC clumsily and keep on improving. There is a joke: A student asked a passerby for directions to Carnegie Hall” He replied “Practice! Practice! Practice!” 

• “Connect with the person before you correct”. Build a bridge for two way communication.The bridge with our children is a lifelong connection. Maintaining a healthy two way connection is more important than day to day corrections. Where there is no connection, there can’t be any correction, anytime.

These are some of my thoughts 

“Each of us was innocent when we were born. We did not have so-called 'goodness' or 'badness'. We cried when hungry, sleepy or the diaper was wet. We smiled when we were comfortable and someone greeted us. How well the people in charge of our lives took care of our physical and emotional needs or didn’t, molded us into what we are today, intellectually, emotionally and physically for good and bad.” 

Look at the picture of the two toddlers at the top of the page. Who taught the toddler on the right to try to comfort the crying toddler on the left? In other words, who taught the toddler to be 'compassionate'? The teachers say and I believe them that we were all born with this instinct to empathize and offer to help others in need, in other words born with compassion. How did some of us lose that inbuilt compassion and choose to hurt others, including their life partners and children, verbally, emotionally or physically. How did some of us even acquite the compulsive urge to kill others as we read in history and in daily news. How does this happen? Let us give a serious thought to this for our own sake and that of our children and grandchildren. Consider the following. 

'Just words' have awesome power on young minds under some circumstances. To illustrate, I would like to share the  following real life cases. 

(1) This is my childhood experience when I was around 6 years old. I lived in a house where three families of my father amd his two brothers lived. I was the first born child in the house and everyone loved me. We had meals sitting on the floor with the adult male members on one side and the children on the other side of the longish dining hall. All the plates were placed on the floor along with a glass of water. The adults took their seats and one by one all the children took their seats. One day, as I was carefully maneuvering my right foot into my seat without going over the empoty plate or knocking off the glass of water, it was my misfortune that my foot toppled a glass of water, spilling the water onto  the floor. I felt terribly ashamed as all the elders were watching the accidental mess I made. One of the elders 'gently' commented “You have to watch where you are placing your foot Surya!”. Asd if I was doing it with my eyes closed! That was it! I was so upset with the blame on top of the shame that I immediately  walked out of the dining hall though I was hungry, went to my parents’ room, lied on my bed face down on my bed and cried. Then, I distinctly remember trying to strangle myself with my two hands in an apparent attempt to kill myself! I can't believe I did that at the age of 6! I don’t know where I got that idea at that age. Think of it - No one said any hurtful words or hit me. Even then, I tried to kill myself at the age of 6 just because of the 'just words' of well meaning elders. 

(2) This is the case is that of a young woman whose mother frequently used hurtful words when she was a teen. The teen girl was so upset by the frequent verbal and emotional abuse of her mother that one day she told her mom “instead of hurting me with such words why don’t you take a knife and push it though my heart?”. 'Just words' from own mother?  

(3) This is that of a man who died in his forties due to drug addiction. I am describing what I saw and heard more than 70 years back. His mother was well known in her house and the neighborhood, as a short-tempered woman. People were cautious in talking to her to avoid being lashed out. At that time, her son was about 6 years old. She took  very good care of him - feeding him well, dressing him up neatly, oiling and combing his hair etc. As it usually happens, her son would sometimes get into fights with his friends and beat them up. When the mothers of those boys came to her house and complained about how badly their boys were hurt, this mother would fly into a rage and beat up her son right in the presence of the outsiders. so hard that he had marks on his skin. At least on two such occasions, after beating him up, I heard her say to her son “You bring such shame on me!  I wish you were dead!”.  No wonder that boy was so badly hurt emotionally that in his thirties, he resorted to injecting himself with drugs while living in a small town in India. He died in his forties due to drug addiction. 

(4) This is from a a man in his upper forties. He said he was frequently commenting about the school work to his teenaged son though he never hit him.  One day his son hit him out of the blue. He told me about this incident in a personal meeting.  

In all the above cases the elders didn’t know the hurt they were inflicting or felt justified in hurting their kids with words, causing serious emotional damage to their children.  Let us get back to relationships. 

Our children are unequipped or ill equipped with 'Relationship skills'

Let us say our children will live for 100 years. We do our best so that by the age of 20 to 30 they will become self-sufficient: employed, having their own apartment, car etc. Then they will live with their life partner children and grandchildren for say 70 years. During these 70 years, they will be dealing with their own family members, bosses/coworkers, parents, in-laws, friends etc. How are we equipping them with the relationship skills necessary for 70 years of their lives? They don’t get to take a class on relationship building when they are students at high school or college. They are unprepared for these 70 years of their lives. They observe the behaviors of their parents and care-givers, take them as models and follow those models or discard them if they are bad models. Every generation is paying the price for this lack of preparedness in the area of healthy relationships. What is the use of a wonderful house/apartment, yard, car and financial assets etc. if the relationships at home cause chronic stress, trauma or life risk and one doesn’t know how to make them better or how to seek help? It is an established fact that violence in one generation is passed on to the next generation if no remedial measures are taken. I urge the reader to consider what needs to be done to protect the children from violence at home and outside and equip them with the relationship skills needed for 70 years of their lives. As per my long term studies, one solution is to train ourselves and our children in the simple process of Nonviolent Communication. Let us take a look at it. 

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Nonviolent Communication

What is Violence?

Before we talk about Nonviolence let us define violence. According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and the World Health Organization (WHO), ‘Violence’ ‘Includes acts that 

• cause harm to one’s self

• cause emotional/psychological scars that can last a lifetime

• impact the general health

• are common in homes, schools, workplaces and communities.

We now have a definition of Nonviolence

• Not harming one’s self

• Preventing psychological and emotional injuries

• Avoiding impact on general health

• Covering homes, schools, workplaces and communities.

Who developed NVC? 

Marshall Rosenberg, with a PhD in psychology developed it around 1960. He was inspired to develop it on seeing many of his innocent neighbors killed in the Detroit race riots and the contrasting scene of his uncle cleaning up his paralyzed grandmother with a beautiful smile on his face, day after day after working 8 hours at his job. He was puzzled by these two contrasting behaviors -  extreme hatred of some people to the extent of killing others they even didn’t know and compassion of others like his uncle. As a psychologist, he was not satisfied with how it labeled the mental and emotional problems as depression, anxiety etc. He studied all the religions of the world and found that all of them had compassion as their core principle. He developed the process of nonviolent communication also called compassionate communication and taught it without charging for his services, accepting whatever people paid willingly. He was inspired by Mahatma Gandhi’s practice of nonviolence. It was in the news that Satya Nadella, the CEO of Microsoft distributed copies of Marshall Rosenberg’s book on nonviolent communication to all his direct reports when he took charge. There are dozens of youtube videos by Rosenberg and the teachers certified by the organization founded.by him. NVC is being practiced in 65 countries. Rosenberg passed in 2015.

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What are the basic features of Nonviolent Communication?

Let us watch a 4 minute animated video Nonviolent Communication For Beginners. 

Here are a few basic downloadable PDF documents on Nonviolent Communication.

• 10 Tips for Nonviolent Communication 1 page

• Feelings 1 page

• Needs wheel 1 page

• Giraffe and Jackal Communication styles 2 pages

• Giraffe and Jackal Communication - Examples 1 page 

Jackals and Giraffes

Marshall Rosenberg labeled nonviolent communication as Giraffe language and non-NVC communication as Jackal language. He chose the giraffe as a symbol of nonviolent communication because it has the largest heart in land animals, a long neck and can see a large area around it. In contrast, a jackal has a much smaller heart, narrower field of vision and a shorter neck. The neck is a symbol of vulnerability. Requesting a person to help us meet our needs, giving the other the choice of saying 'No' without incurring any consequences  which is the last step of NVC, makes us vulnerable.

Jackals make judgments, evaluations and exaggerations. They make vague demands. 

Giraffes make clear observations without evaluation, judgment or criticism, connect with the feelings of others and make specific, positive, doable requests.

A few examples of Jackal and Giraffe communication are in the handout Giraffe and Jackal Communication - Examples. 

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NVC is a 4-step process

Observation - Feeling - Need - Request ( Acronym: O-F-N-R). It is easy to remember the acronym with the tagline “Old Friends Never Run”. Let us look at each of these four steps. 

Observation

The first step is to make an ‘observation’ of what we have seen and heard without adding any judgment, evaluation, criticism etc. It is like a journalist faithfully describing what they saw and heard. For example: In Jackal language one would say “You lied to me about your grades.“ In Giraffe language one would say “I heard you say you passed all your courses but this report card shows two ‘F’s".  Or "You called me stupid." 

Feeling

Express the ‘feeling’ arising out of that observation.Pleasant feeling arises when a person’s needs are met: Affectionate, Confident, Excited, Exhilarated, Graceful, Hopeful, Inspired, Joyful, Peaceful, Refreshed, etc. Unpleasant feeling arises when a person’s needs are not met: Afraid, Annoyed, Aversion, Confused, Embarrassed, Fatigued, Pain, Sadness, Tense, Vulnerable etc. For example: "I feel hungry." or "I feel disappointed."  

Need

Identify the ‘need’ behind the feeling. Basic human needs all over the world are: Autonomy, Connection, Honesty, Meaning, Peace, Physical wellbeing and Play.  For example: "I need some food." or "I need our agreements to be honored."

Request 

Make a ‘Request’ to fulfill the identified need. Here we need to be clear about what is a request and what is a demand. A request is action specific, doable, positive, time specific and doesn’t put the other person under pressure. The other person feels free to say ‘no’ without fear of repercussions. One is more likely to fulfill a request than a demand and enjoy doing so.  A request is not a demand.  For a detailed explanation of request see this web page.

What is a  Demand? 

A demand is not specific, doable and positive. It focuses on one’s own needs without concern for the other person’s needs. It deprives the other person of the choice of declining to fulfill our needs. By making a demand, one stands to not getting their needs met or getting them met creating a grudge in the person fulfilling our demand.

An example of Nonviolent Communication (OFNR)

“When I heard you cursing me I am feeling agitated because I would like to settle our differences peacefully. Would you be willing to tell me what you are feeling and needing at this time instead of cursing?

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Empathy, Sympathy and Compassion

'Empathy' and 'compassion' are key concepts in NVC.  We need to be clear about these cousins - 'sympathy',  'empathy' and 'compassion'. Sympathy means you can understand what the other person is feeling. Empathy means that you feel what a person is feeling. Compassion means feeling what the other person is feeling coupled with the willingness to help that person.

Empathy

Empathy is a key element of NVC. The following statements are NOT showing empathy. 

• “I feel your pain. I’ve been there”

• “Let me tell you what I think you should do.”

• “Don’t worry, daddy will buy you a new car.” 

Examples not showing and showing empathy described by Marshall Rosenberg:  A recent immigrant to US shouted angrily at an American citizen  “Why did you elect Macron as your president?”. The American immediately responded with “Macron is not our president. Biden is our president.”.  The American citizen did not empathise with the obvious anger expressed by the immigrant. An empathetic response to the angry immigrant would be “Are you angry with our president because your need for …x.... is not being supported by him?”.  

Another example is from a news item which reported what happened an airplane: A child was crying loudly. On hearing this, another child sitting nearby spontaneously offered own pacifier. 

A detailed discussion of Sympathy, Empathy and Compassion can be seen in this page. 

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Hearing vs listening

• Hearing is a biological act. It requires only that we receive the message using our sense of hearing.

• Listening is an intellectual and emotional act. Listening requires paying close attention, concentrating, and trying to understand what the message means.

Practicing Nonviolent Communication in real life 

Nonviolent communication is supported by two legs (metaphorically)

One leg supports us in honestly expressing our Observations, Feelings, Needs and Requests (OFNR’s). The other leg helps us emphatically receive the other person’s ‘OFNR’s.

Nonviolent communication is practiced with two hands (metaphorically)

With one hand we express OFNR's silently towards ourselves. With the other hand, we express our OFNR's to others, using words, tone and body language. 

Beginning to practice NVC

Ideally, interested people need to get trained by certified trainers in person or online and then join a practice group. Trainers advise beginners to initially practice OFNR's internally with themselves to eliminate the fear of speaking to others in an unconventional language which may invite ridicule. When they gain enough fluency and gain confidence, they can practice with other learners and finally with others.  

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A group exercise

Imagine you are sitting in a room, meeting with a group of people. Suddenly a person barges in, realizes that they entered the wrong room and immediately goes out, opening and closing the door making a  loud sound. Everyone is distracted and the meeting disrupted for a few minutes. 

The exercise is for each participant to write down their own ‘Observation’ of the incident, ‘Feelings’ experienced as a result of the observation, the ‘Needs’ behind those feelings and make an imaginary ‘Request’ to that person. Each participant reads out what they have written. The participants discuss the responses in the light of NVC and conclude the meeting.

A practice group for Nonviolent Communication

I formed a Whatsapp chat group for learning and practicing Nonviolent Communication. Anyone interested can email me.