An Introduction to Nonviolent Communication 

My presentation on 'Nonviolent Communication

Introduction 

Let me first introduce myself: My name is Suryanarayana Chennapragada (Yes, it is too long! You can call me ‘Surya’). I am an 80+ year retired Mechanical Engineer who migrated from India in 2003, a US citizen the father of Padma Sripada MD (Internal Medicine). I have been interested in human behavior since my twenties and studying it throughout my life. I learned about meditation on breathing, the first step of Vipassana Meditation, when I was 54 years old and desperately looking for a life-saver. I have been practicing and teaching ‘Counting Breaths Meditation’ to adults and children since 2001.

I am not a teacher or trainer of Nonviolent Communication but a passionate student. One must undergo rigorous training and assessment to become certified as an NVC trainer by The Center for Nonviolent Communication. How did I become crazy about NVC? 

It is a long story. While teaching counting breaths meditation and stress management, I learned that some of my clients in their thirties to seventies were suffering from severe stress that was not getting relieved despite regular meditation. On probing, they revealed that the cause of their chronic stress was a stressful relationship with their father, mother, partner, boss, coworker, or a relative. To understand their situation and help them, I studied numerous books on relationships, attachment, communication, violence in families, parenting, brain science, trauma, family therapy, etc. After reading dozens of books and websites, I think that I have some understanding of the root causes of relationship problems.  

Another reason for my keen interest in NVC has been my awareness of numerous cases of domestic violence (verbal, emotional, and physical) perpetrated by men and women among my clients, extended families, and friends in the US and India. I studied more than 40 books on domestic violence and related subjects by experts in their fields. It was brought out in these books that most of the adults who behaved violently - verbally, emotionally, physically, or by coercive control towards their partners or children were themselves treated violently or witnessed violence between their parents.

During these explorations, I came across ‘Nonviolent Communication’ and realized that this could be an antidote to all kinds of violence. Now my goal is to share some glimpses of nonviolent communication with others who may be interested. My dream is to be part of a group of people who are keen to learn and practice nonviolent communication. 

The ideas of nonviolent communication are radically different from what I have been seeing, thinking, and practicing for more than 70 years. Initially, when listening to YouTube videos on NVC, my brain was spitting out these unconventional ideas. When I persisted with reading and listening to the videos over many years, it stopped spitting out. But the NVC ideas were entering one ear and exiting right through the other ear. I persisted with injecting NVC into my brain. After many years of listening and reading, I have now come to believe that the principles of NVC are subtly influencing my thoughts, words, responses, and behavior. Even now I am not comfortable practicing it with others. I think younger brains may accept nonviolent communication faster and put it into practice quicker. 

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A few quotes from nonviolent communication

• “Anger, Depression, Guilt, and Shame are tragic suicidal expressions of unmet needs. These are our friends who draw attention to our or others' unmet needs. ”

• “Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly. We don’t aim at perfection. We try to be progressively less stupid.” With this attitude, we can dare to speak the ‘foreign’ language of NVC clumsily and keep on improving. There is a joke: A student asked a passerby for directions to Carnegie Hall” He replied “Practice! Practice! Practice!” 

• “Connect with the person before you correct”. Build a bridge for two-way communication. The bridge with our children is a lifelong connection. Maintaining a healthy two-way connection is more important than the day-to-day corrections. Where there is no connection, there can’t be any correction."

Some of my thoughts 

Each of us was innocent when we were born. We did not have so-called 'goodness' or 'badness'. We cried when hungry, sleepy or the diaper was wet. We smiled when we were comfortable and someone greeted us. How well the people in charge of our lives cared for our physical and emotional needs or didn’t, molded us into what we are today, intellectually, emotionally and physically for good and bad.

Look at the picture of the two toddlers at the top of the page. Who taught the toddler on the right to try to comfort the crying toddler on the left? In other words, who taught the toddler to be 'compassionate'? The teachers say and I believe them that we were all born with this instinct to empathize and offer help to others in need. In other words, we were born with compassion. How did some of us lose that inbuilt compassion and choose to hurt others, including their life partners and children, verbally, emotionally, or physically? How did some of us even acquire the compulsive urge to kill others as we read in history and keep on reading in the news? How does this happen? Let us give a serious thought for our own sake and that of our children and grandchildren. Consider the following. 

'Just words' have awesome power on young minds under some circumstances. To illustrate, I would like to share the following real-life cases. 

(1) This was my childhood experience when I was around 6 years old. I lived in a house where three families of my father, and his two brothers lived. I was the first born child in the house and I did not doubt that everyone loved me. 

We had meals sitting on the floor with the adult male members on one side and the children on the other side of the longish dining hall. All the plates were placed on the floor along with a glass of water. The adults took their seats and one by one all the children took their seats. One day, to my misfortune, I was carefully maneuvering my right foot into my seat without going over the empty plate or knocking off the glass of water by its side, my foot touched a glass full of water. The water spilled on the floor, that particular day, unlike so many other countless days. I felt ashamed as all the elders were watching the accidental mess I made. One of the elders 'gently' commented “You have to watch where you place your foot Suryam (my nickname at that time)!”. As if I was moving my leg with my eyes closed! That was it! 

I was so upset with the blame on top of the shame that I walked out of the dining hall, forgetting my hunger, went to my parent's room, lay on my bed face down, and cried. 

Then, I distinctly remember trying to strangle myself with my two hands around my throat in an apparent attempt to kill myself! I can't believe I did that at the age of 6! I don’t know where I got that idea at that age. 

Think of it - No one said any hurtful words or hit me. Even then, I tried to kill myself at the age of 6 only because of the 'words' of well-meaning elders who no doubt loved me. 

(2) This is the case of a young woman whose mother frequently used hurtful words to her. She was so upset by the frequent verbal and emotional abuse of her mother that one day she told her mom “Instead of hurting me with such words why don’t you take a knife and push into my heart?”. 'Just words' from one's mother can cause so much pain!   

(3) This is that of a man who died in his forties due to drug addiction. I am describing what I saw and heard more than 70 years ago. His mother had a reputation in her house and the neighborhood as a short-tempered woman. People were cautious in talking to her to avoid being lashed out. At that time, her son was about 6 years old. She took very good care of him - feeding him well, dressing him up neatly, oiling and combing his hair, etc. As it usually happens, her son would sometimes get into fights with his friends and beat them up, maybe more severely than his friends. When the mothers of those boys came to her house and complained about how badly their boys were hurt, his mother would fly into a rage and beat up her son with her hands, right in the presence of the outsiders. Her beating was so hard that he had marks on his skin. At least on two such occasions, after beating him up, I heard her say to her son “You bring so much shame on me!  I wish you were dead!”.  No wonder that boy was so badly hurt emotionally that in his thirties, he resorted to injecting himself with drugs while living in a small town in India. He died in his forties due to drug addiction. 

(4) This is from a man in his upper forties. He said he was frequently nagging his teenage son about the school work though he never hit him.  One day, after one such bout of nagging, his son hit him, out of the blue. The father described just this incident in a personal meeting. He was disturbed and felt that he had to change the way he talked to his son.  

In the above cases, the parents didn’t know how badly they were hurting their children, felt justified in using hurtful words. or even enjoyed seeing their children suffer (this can't be ruled out as adults who were abused as children are more likely to abuse their children). They didn't realize the serious emotional damage they caused to their children. Let us get back to relationships. 

Children are not taught 'Relationship skills'

Let us say our children will live for 100 years. We do our best so that by the age of 20 to 30 they will become self-sufficient: employed, having their apartment, car, etc. Then they will live with their life-partner children and grandchildren for say 70 years. During these 70 years, they will be dealing with their family members, bosses/coworkers, parents, in-laws, friends, etc. How are we equipping them with the relationship skills necessary for 70 years of their lives? They don’t get to take a class on relationship building when they are students at high school or college. They are unprepared for these 70 years of their lives. 

They observe the behavior of their parents and caregivers and follow those models. Some do the opposite: they felt so bad about how they were treated as children that they swore that they would never hurt their children with their words or actions. 

Every generation is paying the price for this lack of preparedness in the area of relationships. What is the use of a wonderful house/apartment, yard, car, financial assets, etc. if the relationships at home cause chronic stress, trauma, or life risk and one doesn’t know how to make them better or how to seek help? 

It is a fact that violence in one generation is passed on to the next generation if no remedial measures are taken. I urge the reader to consider what needs to be done to protect the children from violence at home and outside and equip them with the relationship skills they need for 70 years of their lives. Based on my studies, one solution is to train ourselves and our children in the simple process of Nonviolent Communication. Let us take a look at it. 

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Nonviolent Communication

What is Violence?

Before we talk about Nonviolence let us define violence. According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and the World Health Organization (WHO), ‘Violence’ ‘Includes acts that 

• cause harm to one’s self

• cause emotional/psychological scars that can last a lifetime

• impact the general health

• are common in homes, schools, workplaces and communities.

We can arrive at a definition of Nonviolence

• Not harming one’s self

• Avoid psychological and emotional injuries

• Avoid impacting general health

• Ensure that nonviolence covers homes, schools, workplaces, and communities.

Who developed NVC? 

Marshall Rosenberg, with a PhD in Psychology, developed it around 1960. He was inspired to develop it after seeing many of his innocent Jewish neighbors killed in the Detroit race riots. The contrasting scene was of his uncle. He cleaned up his paralyzed grandmother every day, after working for eight hours with a beautiful smile on his face. He was puzzled by these two contrasting behaviors -  extreme hatred of some people to the extent of killing their neighbors who they even didn’t know in person and spontaneous compassion of others like his uncle. 

As a psychologist, he was not satisfied with how it labeled the mental and emotional problems as depression, anxiety, etc. He studied all the religions of the world and found that all of them had compassion as their core principle. He developed the process of nonviolent communication also called compassionate communication and taught it without charging for his services, accepting whatever people paid willingly. He was inspired by Mahatma Gandhi’s practice of nonviolence. It was in the news that Satya Nadella, the CEO of Microsoft distributed copies of Marshall Rosenberg’s book on nonviolent communication to all his direct reports when he took charge. There are dozens of YouTube videos by Rosenberg and the teachers certified by the organization founded by him. NVC is being practiced in 65 countries. Rosenberg passed in 2015.

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Basic features of Nonviolent Communication?

Let us watch a 4-minute animated video Nonviolent Communication For Beginners. 

Basic documents on NVC (PDF) 

• 10 Tips for Nonviolent Communication

• Feelings 1 page

• Needs wheel 1 page

• Giraffe and Jackal Communication styles 2 pages

• Giraffe and Jackal Communication - Examples 1 page 

Jackals and Giraffes

Marshall Rosenberg labeled nonviolent communication as Giraffe language and non-NVC communication as Jackal language. He chose the giraffe as a symbol of nonviolent communication because it has the largest heart in land animals, a long neck, and can see a large area around it. In contrast, a jackal has a much smaller heart, a smaller field of vision, and a shorter neck. The neck is a symbol of vulnerability. 'Requesting' a person to help us meet our needs gives the other person the choice of saying 'No' without incurring any consequences. This act makes us vulnerable.

Jackals make judgments, evaluations, and exaggerations. They make vague demands. 

Giraffes make clear observations without evaluation, judgment, or criticism, connect with the feelings of others, and make specific, positive, doable requests.

A few examples of Jackal and Giraffe communication are in the handout Giraffe and Jackal Communication - Examples. 

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NVC is a 4-step process

Observation - Feeling - Need - Request ( Acronym: O-F-N-R). It is easy to remember the acronym with the tagline “Old Friends Never Run”. Let us look at each of these four steps. 

Observation

The first step is to make an ‘observation’ of what we have seen and heard without adding any judgment, evaluation, criticism, etc. It is like a journalist faithfully describing what they saw and heard. For example: In Jackal language one would say “You lied to me about your grades.“ In Giraffe language one would say “I heard you say you passed all your courses but this report card shows two ‘F’s".  Or "You called me stupid." 

Feeling

Express the ‘feeling’ arising out of that observation. Pleasant feeling arises when a person’s needs are met: Affectionate, Confident, Excited, Exhilarated, Graceful, Hopeful, Inspired, Joyful, Peaceful, Refreshed, etc. Unpleasant feeling arises when a person’s needs are not met: Afraid, Annoyed, Aversion, Confused, Embarrassed, Fatigued, Hurt, Sad, Tense, Vulnerable, etc. For example: "I feel hungry." or "I feel disappointed."  

Need

Identify the ‘need’ behind the feeling. Basic human needs all over the world are: Autonomy, Connection, Honesty, Meaning, Peace, Physical well-being, and Play.  For example: "I need some food." or "I need our agreements to be honored."

Request 

Make a ‘Request’ to fulfill the identified need. Here we need clarity on what is a request and what is a demand. A request is action-specific, doable, positive, time-specific, and doesn’t put the other person under pressure. The other person feels free to say ‘no’ without fear of repercussions. One is more likely to fulfill a request than a demand and enjoy doing so.  A request is not a demand.  For a detailed explanation of a Request, see this webpage.

What is a  Demand? 

A demand is not specific, doable, and positive. It focuses on one’s own needs without concern for the other person’s needs. It deprives the other person of the choice of declining to fulfill our needs. By making a demand, one risks not getting their needs met or getting them met and creating a grudge in the person fulfilling the demand.

An example of Nonviolent Communication (OFNR)

“When I heard you curse me I felt agitated because I would like to settle our differences peacefully. Would you be willing to tell me what you are feeling and needing at this time instead of cursing?

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Empathy, Sympathy, and Compassion

'Empathy' and 'compassion' are key concepts in NVC.  We need to be clear about these cousins - 'sympathy',  'empathy', and 'compassion'. Sympathy means you can understand what the other person is feeling. Empathy means that you feel what a person is feeling. Compassion means feeling what the other person is feeling coupled with the urge to help that person.

Empathy

Empathy is a key step in NVC. The following statements are NOT showing empathy. 

• “I feel your pain. I’ve been there”

• “Let me tell you what I think you should do.”

• “Don’t worry, Daddy will buy you a new car.” 

Examples not showing and showing empathy described by Marshall Rosenberg:  A recent immigrant to the US shouted angrily at an American citizen  “Why did you elect Macron as your president?”. The American immediately responded with “Macron is not our president. Biden is our president.”.  The American citizen did not empathize with the anger expressed by the immigrant. An empathetic response to the angry immigrant would be “Are you angry with our president because your need for …x.... is not being supported by him?”.  

Another example is from a news item that reported an incident on an airplane: A child was crying loudly. On hearing this, another child sitting nearby spontaneously offered his pacifier. 

A detailed discussion of Sympathy, Empathy, and Compassion can be seen on this page. 

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Hearing vs listening

• Hearing is a biological act. It requires that we receive the sounds of the words. 

• Listening is an intellectual and emotional act. Listening requires paying close attention, concentrating, and trying to understand what the sounds mean from the speaker's perspective. 

Practicing Nonviolent Communication in real-life 

Nonviolent communication is supported by two legs (metaphorically)

One leg supports us in honestly expressing our Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests (OFNR’s). The other leg helps us emphatically receive the other person’s ‘OFNR’s.

Nonviolent communication is practiced with two hands (metaphorically)

With one hand we express OFNR's silently to ourselves. On the other hand, we express our OFNR's to others, using words, tone, and body language. 

Beginning to practice NVC

Ideally, interested people need to get trained by certified trainers in person or online. Then they join a practice group, discuss in depth, and role-play. Trainers advise beginners to initially practice OFNR's (Observation, Feeling, Need, Request) within themselves to get over the fear of speaking to others in an unconventional language that may invite ridicule. When they gain enough fluency and confidence, they can role-play with co-learners and finally with others.  

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A group exercise

Imagine you are sitting in a room, meeting with a group of people. Suddenly a person barges in, realizes that they entered the wrong room, and immediately goes out, opening and closing the door with a loud sound. Everyone is distracted and the meeting is disrupted for a few minutes. 

The exercise is for each participant to write down their own ‘Observation’ of the incident, ‘Feelings’ experienced as a result of the observation, the ‘Needs’ behind those feelings, and make an imaginary ‘Request’ to that person. Each participant reads out what they have written. The participants discuss the responses in the light of NVC and conclude the meeting.

You are a patient reader!  Thank you.

Related pages

Nonviolent communication