by NotWedge and T5
The Amazon jungle, Brazil:
Drake Marshall and Ameristar were struggling their way through a swamp.
"Man, I'm never gonna get the stunk out of this suit now. I don't know how I'm gonna talk Blackburn into giving me a new one, either."
"Blackburn? Who's that?"
"Oh, uh, Blackburn was my partner back in Milwaukee. The person I got all my tech, funding, and research from for my crimefighting activities. I was just the dumb muscle."
"Just as I expected."
"Ha ha ha. Seriously, though, Blackburn was the heart of the operation, but I got all the glory because I was the guy in the fancy suit. I'll deny it if you ever tell anyone I said that, though. We didn't really part on good terms, so I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be stuck with a suit that smells worse than our headquarters. Why can't I just let the dragon out and have him fly us there?"
"The tower is overgrown. We wouldn't be able to spot it from the air. We'll have to see it up close, or we won't recognize it."
"Fine, but you're getting my cleaning bill. The glove was probably already a complete loss anywa--"
With a loud splash, Drake was pulled under the brackish water. "Drake! Drake!" Ameristar was searching for him frantically when she was sent flying by a large wave. When her vision cleared, she saw Drax biting at a huge snake that was wrapped around him. He pulled it off with a muscular yank and sent it flying.
"I doubt he was expecting that!"
"Er, yeah. Me too," Ameristar muttered as she struggled to her feet.
"Drake wants to take over again so I can conserve my energy. At least that's what he says." Drax winked at Ameristar as Drake took over again.
"Just what I need, a dragon with a bad sense of humor. As much as I'm enjoying our little stroll, I'd kinda like to get to this tower we're hunting for."
"I think we're almost there. Just a little farther." Ameristar consulted her map and pointed vaguely. "That way."
"Sure, that's what you keep saying..."
Once upon a time in the tower that Cuccubao built
There was an old man who swore without guilt;
His language was so foul that milk soured,
And his manners left a lot to ask when food was devoured.
His one and only eye was blue like heaven,
And out of his family he cared only for seven;
Alas, two of his grandchildren were so deformed
That as they entered a room his temper stormed.
"Get out! Get out! Out of my way!"
And so they did with faces gray.
"He hates us," the twins wailed loud,
"While our brother Stroke makes him proud."
They were called Unit, and they were strong.
To prove they had done nothing wrong,
They tried to make their granddad smile,
So out in the swamp they killed a crocodile.
They left it for show under the family tree,
But of granddad they did not see.
It's a hard thing being ignored,
So they killed him one night while he snored.
They then ran far away into the night
With a only a flashlight burning bright;
It was there that they would find
A man and a woman to bind.
If only they had guile and wit,
They could prove they had the grit
To take on a knight and her dragon
And later load them on a wagon.
"I see strangers, brother."
"Yes, I see them too. Strange for strangers to be here."
The conjoined twins who make up Unit peered at Drake and Ameristar from behind a gnarled tree, their own shape even more twisted than the tree was. They were connected down to the waist, the left twin's right arm extending awkwardly in front of his twin's chest, the right's arm behind. Their faces would be monstrous even on a normal body, with lumps all over their faces and hairless heads. Their combined body was thickly muscled. The tops of their heads were more than eight feet above the ground.
"We could capture them, brother."
"Yes, we could capture them an' be heroes to all."
"We could bring them home, brother, and all will rejoice at our return."
"They will see. They will see that the Unit is strong. They will see that the Unit should be loved."
"Yes, brother. We will make them see like we made our grandfather see."
Unit lurked toward the heroes, stalking awkwardly but slowly to their blind side.
"So what does it stand for, anyway?" Drake asked Ameristar. "Muscle-Bound Lifesavers? Mega Buttkicking Legion?"
"You mean they didn't tell you?"
"No, do you know?"
Just then, Unit swung a makeshift club at them, sending Drake sprawling and just missing Ameristar. She flew up and shot at Unit; the bullets struck but did only minor damage to Unit's thick skin.
"She stings us, brother."
"Then we will swat her down."
Unit threw their club at Ameristar, striking her and knocking her out of control. As Unit moved in, they were startled by a loud roar. They turned to see Drax charging toward them. They stood their ground and punched Drax in the side of the head as he reached them. He bellowed in pain and rage.
Drax, stay in control. Getting mad will just cause you to make mistakes. Tail whip that ugly whatever-it-is!
Drax nodded mostly to himself as he spun quickly and hammered Unit with his tail, sending the deformed twins flying. Unit landed on their faces and were given no time to recover as Ameristar landed on their backs. "Help me hold it down!"
"Right!" Drax placed a massive paw on Unit as Ameristar restrained them, tying the hands of one twin in front of them and the other behind them. Once they were securely tied up, Ameristar questioned them as Drax watched intently.
"Why did you attack us?"
"Secrets."
"Yes, we must keep our secrets."
"What secrets?"
"The tower..."
"Quiet, brother!"
"What tower? Do you know about the Tower of Cuccubao?"
"We won't tell you about our home!"
"Brother! We must not tell!"
"Geez, some secret-keepers these guys are. I just can't figure out who's the dumber one."
"So, you know where it is." Ameristar thought for a moment. "We'll let you go if you show us the way."
"We'll do it."
"No, brother!"
"Yes. Let us show them the way. They'll not survive their visit."
"You're right, brother. They'll not like their welcome."
"You guys can't scare us!" said Drake.
"Fine, you show us the way, and we'll worry about the reception we get," said Ameristar.
"Yes, we'll show you the way."
"Yes, the way to your death."
The trip through the swamp was hot and hazardous. Lots of times the demented twins called Unit misled them into quicksand areas and other nasty holes deep enough to swallow them. Both their suits of armor were filthy, and they had started to squeak when they moved their joints. Apparently they were great for fighting but not made for swamp treks.
It was when Drake had just been lent a hand by Ameristar to get out of one of these holes, with the conjoined twins laughing hysterically at their predicament, that a weird clapping sound was heard in the murky, misty air in front of them.
"I sought I recognized your lausss Unit," a lisping, smacking mouth said in the mist. Out of the mist, a creature with claws and a weird growth on its back that almost looked like a turtle shell, stepped out in front of them. "What's sat you goth sere, Unit? Friend os yourss?" the more-or-less-human creature apparently reshaped its mouth into what it believed was a smile.
Ameristar was sickened. These mutants, or whatever they were, must never have been washed in their lives. The stink hit them both like a wall.
"Look here, turtle man, you get out of our way, and we won't hurt you. And that's a promise." Drake did his best to look brave.
Unit looked at him with his yellow eyes. "Xo, here, means no harm, do you, brosser?"
"I'm hungry," was the only reply.
Unit walked up to him. "I am a... a guide... to sees two fine people. Sey will make me popular again, you see."
Drake looked at Ameristar. "I don't like the sound of that. We should reconsider..."
"No! No reconsiderations!" the loud voice of yet another figure yelled at them from behind. A huge man that must have weighed at least 529 pounds, most of it in muscle and bone, appeared with thundering steps and wearing next to nothing except for a Confederate Cavalry cap. "You do not belong here! You must leave... or you will die!"
Behind him, the Tower of Cuccubao seemed to hover in the misty clouds of the swamp. But it was still a kilometer away, and these creatures would probably not invite them for dinner.
"Leave now!" the hulking figure said, walking up to Drake and raising his fist.