by Shock Headed Peter, Chewy Walrus, Jonah'sWhale, LLANCE, Steve H Peterson
SHP stands in a cold, gloomy graveyard.
SHP(VoiceOver): 'I'd watched Boss Tweed's funeral from way over here, just like my employer asked, and now I was waiting for him to come over. Something about this Chewy guy was as odd as a 3 dollar bill. I knew he was in charge of TOMB, but didn't know if he knew who I was. I hated not knowing if he knew.'
Chewy Walrus comes over.
Chewy Walrus: I know.
SHP: Know what?
Chewy Walrus: I know who you think you are. Delusions of metavillainy, they call it...
SHP: I was Shock Headed Peter, sure. But I feel much better.
Chewy Walrus: You were never Shock Headed Peter.
SHP:... you've lost me. What?
Chewy Walrus: Listen. I'm sure you know how a lot of magic tricks work. The magician has a spiel, a banter, and while you're distracted by his talking, his sleight of hand is doing the trick.
Mr Peterson, you are the spiel. You were created by the real SHP as a distraction, a sore thumb stuck out to distract us while he got the plans.
SHP: I wasn't a villain?
Chewy Walrus: You're part of a plot that I saw right through. As far as I know, you're an honest man. Will you help me stop the real SHP?
Steve H Peterson: I guess we've all got to meet our makers sometime...
Chewy: Steve H. Peterson, I hereby induct you as a temporary member of TOMB, until this whole time bomb problem is properly dealt with.
SHP: Thank you, Chewy. I'll do my best to stop this... oppressor.
Chewy: JW! Lance!
JW & Lance: Huh?
Chewy: I've taken the rest of Tweed's clues and applied them to the situation. I believe I've made some sense of them.
Lance: Such as?
Chewy: Well, first off, Lance, you were right (sorry, Jonah). Grandpa was indeed Tweed's killer. However what you failed to decipher was that Grandpa has kidnapped HourGirl and the bomb plans, and taken refuge on Manhattan Island, where the bombs are set to detonate. Also, through my criminal underground associates, I've discovered that Grandpa has teamed up with the real Shock Headed Peter, the one controlling Peterson. In the alliance, Grandpa gets "Our Girl" and SHP gets to rule the world. It's very simple, but also very complicated all at the same time. I wish I didn't have to say it, but I need your help.
JW fails to hear, due to the fact that he is stewing with overwhelming rage. Lance pulls out his pocket Mother Box(tm) and sticks it onto JW, seemingly calming his animal rage.
Lance: What can we do, Chewy?
Peterson: Yeah. I have little to no self worth now that I know I'm just a pawn.
Chewy: It's simple. Enter the time stream. My personal timeship(tm) will await you. Once you board, make your way to Manhattan Island, the day before Terminator's "D-Day" (I think it was April 6th of this year). Once there, position yourselves above Manhattan Island. I'll wait there to give final instructions. You got that, men?
Lance & Peterson: Aye, sir!
JW: Grrrr!
Chewy: Dismissed!
JW went to NYC, not to find the plans and save the world, but to find his one true love. HourGirl was in Manhattan. So was JW. And SHP beware!
Lance: Gee, did anyone tell ShockHeadedPeter that he's getting the rotten end of the deal? He only becoming ruler of the world, but granpa gets Hourgirl all to himself!
Well, I got to go tripping about the time stream to April 6, 2000. If you don't mind, Chewy, I'm stopping off on April Fools Day since it is kinda my Christmas, New Year's, and Halloween rolled into one!
Let me end this with a hearty and robust "welcome" to our new temporary member, Steve H. Peterson! Let me know if it pays more than being a rookie!
------once over and twice twisted------------
Steve H Peterson: Steve H: (VoiceOver) 'So it turned out I wasn't some bum rewritten as a corny PI after all, but a corny PI and nothing else. I felt relieved, and also an itching, burning sensation, that I could get a cream for later on.
I like TOMB's style, because although I prefer trench coats to long underwear, they all had metapowers, and all I had was a gun that could be purchased at any local gun shop. Plus, they were the good guys.
I now had a three point plan of action:
1) Help TOMB find the girl and the plans.
2) Kick the real SHP in his goddamn manipulative teeth.
3) Get better guns. Something like the Saint of Killer's guns, although, as a 40s gumshoe, I've never read Preacher.
4) Get laid.
I then realised this was a four point plan. Figures.'
Lance: Steve, as long as you achieve point no. four the other three will no longer matter!
Aside to Chewy: This guy is a horn dog! Me and Jonahswhale were never that bad!
-------once over and twice twisted-----------
Chewy Walrus: Aside to Lance: I wouldn't go that far...
Chewy Walrus: Lance, I must tell you that you can't get to this year's April 1st, because my timeship is locked down with a secret encryption code that is constantly rotating every .5 nanoseconds. I know it's weird but I'm the only person alive that knows the "rotation" of the codes. The ship's set to go straight to April 6th. Now hurry, JW! Lance! Once you get there, hover over the Statue of Liberty. Steve and I will be there waiting for you. We'll be taking my private space yahct to the sixth. I'll give you directions as to what to do. Let me tell you, guys, this is gonna be one KILLER plan!
Lance: Boy, the time stream just gets busier and busier! I've counted 3 Metaboys, 4 Metamen, several Time Trust Talos Corpsmen, the Legion of Meta-Protectors (in a time bubble!), and I think I caught a glimpse of a superspeedster or two! Could that be...nah...a lot of people travel in quartets and wear blue uniforms. I do wish that freakin' sphinx up ahead would put some metal to the pedal, if you know what I mean! At this rate it's going to take 3 or 4 weeks to get to April 6th! Steve H. Peterson's getting a little ripe also! Can you time mail us some plug-in room freshners,Chewy?
-------once over and twice twisted-----------
Chewy Walrus: Umm... Peterson's with me, Lance... Umm... better go check on Jonah, bud...
Lance: Looking back at your Mar. 3rd missive me and Peterson both said "aye" when you sent us off into space in your personal timeship(tm). Can this Steve H. Peterson actually be Shock Headed Peter in disguise?
Lance turns toward his comrade and sees a Phantom World projector aimed at him!
"Help me ,Chewy! Help m..."
?????????????????????????????????????????????
Chewy Walrus: Oh crap!
SHP stands over Lance's smoking shoes, then picks up the radio.
SHP: Mr Walrus. I believe this is the part in the film where I gloat and reveal my masterplan...
Chewy Walrus: No, this is the part where we track you down and rip your head from your torso!!
SHP: All in good time. Steve, are you there?
Steve: Listen numbnuts, just because you wrote my character...
SHP: Steve, activation word Quazigrammaton.
Steve: uh...
SHP: KILL CHEWY WALRUS.
Steve starts expanding and changing color...
Steve H Peterson(VoiceOver); 'Something about that 'activation word' was sending signals up and down my spine. I could feel all the atoms in my skin knitting together, my veins bulging and expanding, and suddenly all I could taste was metal. A little 'picture in picture' of SHP, all dreadlocks and John Lennon sunglasses, appeared in the corner of my vision and began goading me on to kill Chewy Walrus. And I felt a burning hatred for Walrus, an artificially induced rage.
I twisted my head to look in a mirror and saw I looked just like Knuckles did earlier, except he had a suit that fit, whereas all I had was a torn detective suit around my ankles.
I couldn't control my compulsions. I stretched my arms towards Walrus...
Continued in Chapter 5