Suggestions to the Catholic Church

I really feel that the Catholic Church has let me down. Let me clarify: God has not let me down, but the Church certainly has. Here's why.

Sexual Abuse

When researching my husband's sexual addiction in 2010, I discovered that he had actually been sexually abused by a his rector/priest, David Porterfield, at the University of Notre Dame. I know that my husband was not making this up because I looked back in my diary from 1984 and found the "incident" referenced, although I had no idea what it meant at the time.

I wanted my husband to report the abuse. He wasn't ready to do so, and I do not believe he will ever be ready to do so.

I wish I would hear from the pulpit regularly an invitation from the Church to those who have been sexually abused by priests:

"We know you are out there – you who have been hurt and who have been too afraid or embarrassed to speak. We don't want you to be afraid anymore. We want to offer you safety, help and comfort. We want to do right by you. We accept our part in your brokenness, and we want to be a part of your healing in ANY way that we can. Do not be afraid to come forward. We know you may have heard stories in the past of victims who have been discounted or ignored. Let us assure you, that WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN. It was not your fault."

I wish that every diocesan newspaper would include ads like it has for Project Rachel, guiding victims of abuse from many years past to safe harbors - telling them where to go for understanding and support.

I know there are still people sitting in the pews, suffering from the effects of their abuse. I wish the Church would encourage them again and again to come forward. It is scary and difficult for victims. They need a lot of encouragement.

[The above was written in reaction to listening to a priest in his homily minimizing the number of priests abusers, blaming the media for blowing it out of proportion, saying Bishops let the abusers off because of "bad advice" from psychologists, and asking people not to let sexual abuse scandals in the Church damage their faith.]

Natural Family Planning

My husband and I practiced and also taught Natural Family Planning, which is fertility awareness used to space babies without use of artificial birth control. In following the scriptural mandate to "be fruitful and multiply," we created five children and I stayed home to care for them.

Natural Family Planning was supposed to promote "couple communication." It was supposed to be "marriage insurance." It failed. Later, my conservative cradle Catholic husband stated that I made him practice NFP against his will. He said he resented periodic abstinence (to avoid pregnancy), breastfeeding, and a host of other practices related to that choice to live an uber-Catholic lifestyle.

Attempting to live God's will does not mean that your disordered spouse will cooperate with it, even if he does a really good job of "faking it."

"Sacramental" Marriage

The Church will bless a civil marriage after the fact and declare it "sacramental," but it will not go the other way: It will not annul a "sacramental" marriage before the civil divorce is final. What this does is allow an abusive or disordered person to drag a divorce through the courts for years while telling anyone who will listen that the partner he abused for decades is at fault for attempting to end a "sacramental" marriage.

This is WRONG on so many levels. The Church has the power to evaluate a marriage BEFORE divorce and give the abused/victimized spouse some relief by declaring that the marriage was never sacramental.

If civil marriage and sacramental marriage could be separate and distinct (which they should be), then it should be possible to annul the sacramental marriage before the legal marriage is dissolved. If the grounds for nullity are clear (and personality disorder is one of them under Canon 1095 3: Incapacity to Assume the Essential Obligations of Marriage), then it should be no problem for the Church to recognize this officially.

I am presently in a situation where I will not be able to legally remarry without risking the financial support necessary for me to continue raising two special needs children. Thus, I wish the Church would recognize sacramental marriage WITHOUT legal marriage. If it would, I would be able to make a sacramental commitment in the Church without a civil marriage. I am not the only one in this situation. The penalties and lost benefits for older couples who want to remarry may be too great to consider legal marriage, and yet their commitment to one another may be sacramental. How I wish the Church would recognize this!

Meaningless Vows

Couples who marry in a Catholic ceremony should be warned ahead of time that there is NO legal enforceability of their Catholic marriage vows. In a divorce, what matters is the laws of the state in which you divorce. If the couple shares certain views about moral or financial obligations toward each other and their children, these need to be put into a legal document to protect the children and the interests of a spouse who gives up her (or his) career to raise them.

My opinion is that the Church should have some standard recommended pre-marital agreements they suggest for couple to use to ensure that one partner does not take advantage of the differences between moral obligations of Catholic marriage and the legal obligations of the state.

I wonder if a legal document such as this would help a potential abuser or cheater to choose NOT to abuse or cheat?

Since every couple who gets married in the Catholic Church has to go through a Pre-Cana preparation program, make discussion and recommendation of a legal agreement a part of the Pre-Cana.