Letter to a Cheater
I think there are some pretty universal feelings that come up for those of us who have dealt with an unfaithful spouse. The unfaithful spouse usually cannot acknowledge these, and often will flip the situation to make the fault yours.
After divorce, the cheater may act friendly and if you don't cooperate with the "fake friendly," will give you a hard time about not being forgiving, not "getting over it" or not "moving on."
Here is a letter to address that. This is not to send. (Heavens no!) This is to rewrite and to destroy as therapy for YOU. If your ex is a narcissist, you would not send this because it would reveal what you really want, and of course, he would have to do the opposite of anything you ask him to do.
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To My Ex-Spouse,
Your infidelity and deceit were the highest form of betrayal that anyone can experience. You, who promised to love me and to be faithful to me, broke your promises, and then lied about it. The destruction of our family by divorce breaks my heart, although you can be sure I have no residual feelings of love or even friendship towards you.
I don’t trust you any longer. The marriage I thought I had was a lie. The man I married is a liar and a cheat. You were comfortable living a lie with me. You were sleeping with other women and then coming home to me and saying, "I love you." Those are not the actions of a man with a conscience. You took advantage of me, but I will not allow that to happen again.
You seem to think that I should “get over it” and that I have an obligation to “forgive” you. That is NOT yours to demand. A cheater doesn’t get to dictate his victim’s emotional reactions and doesn’t get to demand forgiveness or a continuing "friendly" relationship.
As a Christian, of course I strive for forgiveness and healing, but that belongs to ME, not to you. I have to love you in a Christian sense, but I am not required to be your friend. Let me make it clear: at this point, I would prefer to have no contact with you other than necessary communications with regards to our children. At the same time, I will continue to be polite socially when I have to be.
You may think that if I move on and find some happiness in my life, it will erase your betrayal. You fail to understand that the damage done by your betrayal and the destruction of our family does not go away. I hope that time will diminish the sting of being humiliated and rejected by the person I married, loved and put my trust in, but I can tell you that my trust in you is forever broken.
The kindest thing you could do for me – if you are at all sorry for what you have put me through – is NOT put me in the position of having to do “the fake friendly” with you. Don’t start conversations with me. Understand that I do not want to sit with you at dinners, banquets, graduations, sporting events, or weddings, and be respectful enough not to put the kids into the position of choosing whether to sit with me or with you. And please leave my parents alone. They are my parents, not yours.
You broke my heart, destroyed my trust and shattered my world. Your actions have devastated and disappointed the people who loved you: not just me, but your children, your siblings and your parents.
If you have any desire to make amends for your lying and cheating, you can do the following:
Don't threaten to take custody of the kids. I don't want to reveal your "shame," but I will if necessary.
Be attentive to the financial needs of the children. Don't make them suffer financially if you have the wherewithal to provide support.
Don't insult me by saying you love me or bringing me gifts.
Don't imply that I'm not "forgiving enough."
Stop blaming me.
Don't tell other people lies about me.
Do not demand forgiveness. Show your remorse and empathy through your actions, and if I see that, I will feel more forgiving towards you.
If you could do these things, it may help me to heal and feel some friendship towards you.
Finally, understand that no matter how I feel about you personally, I recognize you are the father of our children. For the gift of them, I am grateful.