The 1st Year: An Essay

This essay written one year after a woman's discovery reflects on some of the positive moves she made in recovery. Hopefully you have seen the movie Apollo 13 so the dialogue makes sense.

Thoughts on Crisis

by Heidi L. Moser

cri·sis noun /ˈkrīsis/

1. A time of intense difficulty, trouble, or danger

2. A time when a difficult or important decision must be made

3. The turning point of a disease when an important change takes place, indicating either recovery or death

4. The point in a play or story when a crucial conflict takes place, determining the outcome of the plot

I've been living in crisis for a year. I don't want to say I'm beyond it at this point, but I'm finding ways to live through it. I've reached a point when I can share a few things I've learned.

When you face crisis - life-changing, overwhelming crisis - the first place you go is SHOCK and denial. You know there's going to have to be a massive change, but you're not quite ready to deal with it. You may try to continue to function the way you've functioned in the past, but you quickly find that's not possible. Perhaps your crisis is obvious to other people - your child has died, your house has burned down - or perhaps no one else can really see it and you aren't ready to talk about it.

Jim Lovell: Houston, we have a problem.

The movie APOLLO 13 speaks to me about crisis. You're on your mission, full of hopes and dreams of getting to the moon, when suddenly there is unexpected breakdown. The oxygen is leaking out of your space ship, and you've got to shut down systems and operate only what is necessary until you can do an evaluation and figure out how to proceed.

Sy Liebergot: Flight... I recommend we shut down reactant valves to the fuel cells.

Gene Kranz: What the hell good is that gonna do?

Sy Liebergot: If that's where the leak is, we can isolate it. We can save what's left in the tanks and we can run on the good cell.

Gene Kranz: You close 'em, you can't open 'em again! You can't land on the moon with one healthy fuel cell!

Sy Liebergot: Gene, the Odyssey is *dying*. From my chair here, this is the last option.

What IS necessary? The very best advice I got was to take care of myself physically first. Eat healthy foods. Get enough sleep (even if it means taking sleeping pills to make it happen). Get exercise. This is harder than what it seems. The temptation may be to escape - to depression, to alcohol, to drugs, to smoking, to overeating, or to something else that will tear you down instead of fortifying you.

When you take care of the physical essentials, you are more likely to have the energy to manage the other necessary things: paying the bills, filing taxes, managing the household basics, taking care of the kids, getting to work or whatever. Let go of the non-essentials. This is not a time to worry about keeping promises or letting other people down. Your stress level is already maxed out with your crisis. Deal with that and let go of the other things, as hard as this may be for you to do.

Crisis can make your brain spin - paralyze you - make thinking and doing as difficult as swimming through caramel. (Think of that Milky Way commercial.) This will not last forever, but in your paralysis, it may seem like life can't possibly ever be "normal" again. When will you NOT wake up with thoughts of your crisis dragging you down - threatening to drown you? Trust that in time, things will improve. There is no time line for this improvement. You can't avoid slogging through every step in the recovery journey. You cannot rush the process. Be patient. Breathe.

When you're ready, the next priority is to find safe havens where you can get help. Reach out to friends who have been good listeners and reliable supporters in the past. Find a support group locally or online. Read books to help with your specific crisis. Don't be afraid to seek professional help.

It takes a lot of people "working the problem" to get Apollo 13 safely back to earth. If you've been too dependent on others, seek help and encouragement, but try to take greater responsibility for your life and your choices. If you've been independent, it's time to acknowledge YOU need other people to help you deal with your crisis. That doesn't mean that you need to engage EVERY friend you have to work your problem. Look for people you can trust. And don't feel you have to explain every detail of your struggle.

Gene Kranz: Let's look at this thing from a... um, from a standpoint of status. What have we got on the spacecraft that's GOOD?

Sy Liebergot: [pause] I'll get back to you, Gene.

Crisis is a time to evaluate. What have you got that's still good? This involves a lot of self-examination. You can't change someone else. You can ONLY change yourself. What positive changes are possible for YOU in this crisis?

Gene Kranz: I don't care about what anything was DESIGNED to do, I care about what it CAN do.

Who are you? What are your strengths and weaknesses? Can you forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made? Can you celebrate your gifts and accomplishments? None of us are all good or all bad. Seek not to blame yourself or others for your crisis. Find the resources you have remaining, and figure out how to use them to rebuild your life.

Jack Swigert: [about to turn power back on in the capsule] Ken, there's an awful lot of condensation on these panels. What's the story of them shorting out?

Ken Mattingly: Umm... We'll just have to take that one at a time, Jack.

Jack Swigert: [to himself] Like trying to drive a toaster through a car wash.

A time of crisis is an intense emotional journey, none of it easy to navigate. You may be hurt, confused, sad, depressed. At times you may be unable to speak. At times you may need to yell. You will travel through the stages of grief. At some point, you'll probably have to deal with anger in your crisis. You may be angry with other people. You may be angry with yourself. You may be angry with God. Learn to process anger. I've found ways to process my anger through writing and running. The pounding of the pavement gives me a physical release, and the writing allows me to hear myself thinking in a more organized way. Put some effort into learning about yourself and ways that YOU can process anger effectively.

Faith may be a safe haven, or you may be so angry at God that you don't even want to talk to Him. That's why I put taking care of your self physically as a priority over even prayer. Ask other people for prayer if you can't pray yourself. Be open to God's messages and His love coming to you through other people. If you can, talk to God, even if it's just to tell Him you're angry. If your faith remains steadfast through crisis, be grateful for this blessing. If your faith wavers, give that feeling over to God and let Him work on healing. If faith has always been important to you, your faith will be restored in time.

In your fear of facing a new future, be open to the supernatural:

Television Reporter: Is there a specific instance in an airplane emergency when you can recall fear?

Jim Lovell: Uh well, I'll tell ya, I remember this one time - I'm in a Banshee at night in combat conditions, so there's no running lights on the carrier. It was the Shrangri-La, and we were in the Sea of Japan and my radar had jammed, and my homing signal was gone... because somebody in Japan was actually using the same frequency. And so it was - it was leading me away from where I was supposed to be. And I'm lookin' down at a big, black ocean, so I flip on my map light, and then suddenly: zap. Everything shorts out right there in my cockpit. All my instruments are gone. My lights are gone. And I can't even tell now what my altitude is. I know I'm running out of fuel, so I'm thinking about ditching in the ocean. And I, I look down there, and then in the darkness there's this uh, there's this green trail. It's like a long carpet that's just laid out right beneath me. And it was the algae, right? It was that phosphorescent stuff that gets churned up in the wake of a big ship. And it was - it was - it was leading me home. You know? If my cockpit lights hadn't shorted out, there's no way I'd ever been able to see that. So uh, you, uh, never know... what... what events are to transpire to get you home.

I have learned through my crisis that I cannot see the future - I cannot predict tomorrow or even an hour from now. I can, however, hope and believe. In faith, I have believed that God would provide. In human fear, I have worried over specific solutions. So many times this year, God has sent a phosphorescent algae trail. To all those in crisis: try not to panic and keep your eyes open for the trail.

Jim Lovell: I sometimes catch myself looking up at the Moon, remembering the changes of fortune in our long voyage, thinking of the thousands of people who worked to bring the three of us home. I look up at the Moon and wonder, when will we be going back, and who will that be?

I thank God for the people who have been a support to me. I believe someday I'll resume my "trip to the moon." It will be a different flight. I don't know when it will be, but l'm striving to be at peace with that.

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.