Enabling

While I don't buy into the idea that all partners of sex addicts are co-dependent or co-addicted, I am able to look at myself and see how I enabled my husband in his addiction. I can see how, over the years, I ignored unacceptable behavior, took on more and more of the responsibilities for our household and our marriage, and continued to offer help when it wasn't acknowledged or appreciated.

I do not blame myself for his addiction, but realize I didn't set boundaries that would REQUIRE him to treat me in a respectful way.

Are You Empowering or Enabling?

Here are some questions PsychologyToday.com says you should ask yourself when considering whether you are an Enabler:

    • Do you often ignore unacceptable behavior?

    • Do you find yourself resenting the responsibilities you take on?

    • Do you consistently put your own needs and desires aside in order to help someone else?

    • Do you have trouble expressing your own emotions?

    • Do you ever feel fearful that not doing something will cause a blowup, make the person leave you, or even result in violence?

    • Do you ever lie to cover for someone else’s mistakes?

    • Do you consistently assign blame for problems to other people rather than the one who is really responsible?

    • Do you continue to offer help when it is never appreciated or acknowledged?

My Journal on Enabling

A lot of the books for spouses of sexual addicts indicate that we are co-dependents and enablers. I rejected the notion of being a co-dependent. As soon as I became aware of the problem, I took positive steps to begin addressing it. I also did not want to see myself as an enabler.

But I see NOW for myself that by not setting boundaries and not saying NO, I did enable. Let's acknowledge here that it is HARD to know exactly where and when boundaries should be set!

I've gone through it in my head a million times. And I think, what kinds of boundaries could I have set with my husband before? I would have been accused of being controlling. I was able to set boundaries once I caught him so egregiously breaking the "covenant." Before, when I questioned whether he was an alcoholic, he would just say that I was wrong, I was being controlling or I was making his life miserable.

People make choices, and then they need to live with the repercussions of those choices.

Forgiveness is a good and wonderful thing, but it is also important not to cushion people from the consequences of their actions. That's what I'm finally learning.