Fired & Retired

Here's the narcissist's emails about his job loss.

Recovering Lady wrote:

Narc,

You're telling me we have no medical or dental coverage from now until January? I am going to need additional information.

[Son, age 20] is supposed to schedule surgery because [the] cyst is in danger of rupturing. You need to call him immediately and explain his medical coverage to him.

We have weekly appointments for [son, 13]'s counseling. There are biweekly appointment for my allergy shots. Bimonthly appointments with the psychiatrists. [Son, 10] has his cardiology appointment on December 30th. And what if someone suddenly gets sick, for example [Son, 10]'s repeated winter sinus infections? Are you saying we have no medical coverage for this ongoing care?

I thought I was clear before: you may not have [the dog] unless/until you agree to cover her veterinary care. I have been taking care of her expenses for two years while you enjoy the benefit of seeing her at your convenience. If you want to "share" her ownership (which I would be happy to do) then you need to contribute to her care.

As far as having the kids this weekend, while I would certainly like for the children to spend time with you, I've had enough of the last minute scheduling. If I continue to allow it, then you think it is acceptable. You need to start planning in advance. One day isn't good enough. So, no, I am not going to change my plans for this weekend so that you can have the boys.

Please let me know in advance when you want to see the kids for the rest of the month, including Thanksgiving. I will be glad to have you schedule time with them if I'm given advance notice.

RL

On Nov 7, RL wrote:

No, Narc, I did not present information to the IG.

I didn't do this to you, and I wouldn't have done this to myself. It obviously does not benefit me for this to happen to you.

You have years of honorable service, including Afghanistan. The Army should recognize that. Your sickness should not result in punishing our children. You should be allowed to retire at your current rank, with pension, and get appropriate medical help for your addictions. Anything I can do to support that, I will. This is one more thing that we are in together as parents. You can have the attorney representing you contact me.

I am willing to go to any board to speak on your behalf, with our children if you want. You know I'm articulate.

I am in contact with [Army attorney]. She has been a support to me through all of this. She is willing to speak on your behalf. She says that in situations like what you describe below, having other military co-workers speak on your behalf would be a good thing, and you should be contacting people who have worked with you in the past. She is one of them.

Keep me informed.

RL

On Nov 8, Recovering Lady wrote:

I did NOT turn you in to the IG.

I know you think that because YOU lie, everyone else in the world does also. That's not the case.

I did not turn you in, but I certainly have been aware of all your activities. Unfortunately, your trail is all over the internet, and you can't erase it.

Instead of asking me to lie to the IG, you should be begging them for mercy and asking for help. ASK FOR HELP WITH YOUR ADDICTIONS, instead of trying to hide them.

Narc suddenly decided to cancel his plans to have the kids for Thanksgiving. I wondered why...

Narc,

I had to give myself some time to ponder this response.

You lost your job because of your addiction, Narc. It is a consequence of your putting your addiction out on the internet for the world to see. I didn't go looking for it; someone else alerted me. (Just as with [son] telling me about the porn videos he saw you viewing on the laptop in our kitchen.) I merely followed up, and was horrified by what I discovered. Your addiction is out of control. I told you many times through the summer that I was aware of it, and suggested you seek help.

I thought the explicit stuff you posted on the web was shocking, but it was almost worse when I found dozens of your girlfriends through the phone records. That confirmed what [Adult Son] had suspected: that you were texting lady friends (and checking your AdultFriendFinder chats) during his graduation weekend. And amidst all that, you had the audacity to interrupt [son]'s oath to give a speech on the "sacrament" of being a soldier.

You know, Narc, I don't care where you put your penis as long as it isn't in me. But I do care when your addiction affects your personal and professional judgement, and your relationship with your kids. Those are the REAL second and third order effects of your addiction.

If you had gotten appropriate treatment in 2002, when your brother encouraged you to, or in 2010, 2011 and 2012 when I encouraged you to, perhaps you would not have had this terrible relapse in 2013 that has had you, a high-ranking JAG, breaking multiple articles of the UCMJ. I remember you telling me when you left for Afghanistan that as a Colonel, you wouldn't risk doing anything that would jeopardize your career. I know how important rank was to you. I sadly realize you WERE willing to risk your career to feed your need for increasingly risky sexual behavior.

It isn't my job to protect or enable your addiction. It IS my job to protect our children, and that is precisely what I attempted to do. Your addiction puts them at some risk. I am not qualified to discern how much of a risk that is. That is why their doctors and teachers will always be made aware of this situation so that they can help me insure their psychological and physical safety.

You need to take responsibility for your actions.

I want to make very clear, once again, that I support any treatment efforts that you make. There is NO SHAME in admitting your problems, getting a psychiatric evaluation and taking meds if necessary. There IS shame in allowing this addiction to continue to destroy your life. You are an educated, intelligent, sensitive man. You are also a "sickpuppus." You know what you are doing to yourself and to our family is wrong. I forgive you for your failures, but I do not forgive you for continuing to blame others or to avoid real treatment.

Below are some links to articles that may be of interest if you honestly want to recover.

Real recovery would involve work with a professional counselor, a psychiatrist, full disclosure (for your good, not for mine), lie detector tests, and internet filtering. Clearly a 12-Step Program is not sufficient.

There is also research to indicate that antidepressants help sex addicts. I do not understand why you fear medication. I am thankful for what medication has done for me and for [Son, 17].

RL

In March, Recovering Lady wrote:

Narc,

You indicate I should not call the Guard. I have no other recourse when you refuse to cooperate with me.

You retired on March 1. For whatever reason, you did not tell me. You did not sign up for the TriCare Retiree health insurance at that time, and you did not initiate new ID cards for your family.

From your text messages last night, it sounded like you have the ability to take care of this today, but then you changed your mind because you want to punish me for calling [military post] to find out what my rights are.

Let me outline to you why YOUR CHILDREN need the insurance issue resolved immediately.

[Son with Down syndrome], at his last cardiology appointment, showed signs of having some issues with his valve repair that need monitoring. He may need meds to take pressure off the valve (as I used for him during his first two years of life) or he may need a surgical repair. It is important that this is monitored. Cardiology appointments are astronomically expensive, and again, I cannot afford co-pays on this, so I have been waiting for you to retire and get the TriCare Retired health insurance that will allow us to go back to Dr. C, and also get the referrals to his cardiologist which we need. I have already rescheduled this appointment several times because of this insurance headache. It takes months to reschedule.

[Son with autism] has been unable to see his therapist and participate in the autism support group led by the therapist. He misses this horribly, but I cannot afford it under the Reservist plan that has co-pays and deductibles. He has no regular doctor to monitor his meds, as we cannot see Dr. C until we get back on the Tricare Retiree plan.

[Son, 17] is medicated [following concussion]. He indicates to me that he feels he benefits from this prescription. He needs to have med checks to continue the meds. I have put off his med checks 3 times now, and his prescription is running out.

[Son, 20] desperately needs surgery.

This is about OUR CHILDREN, not about me.

If you delay taking care of this matter, my first recourse is to go back to the Guard, which I will definitely do if necessary. My second recourse is to file a court order.

You could simplify matters by taking care of this immediately. Then I have no reason to contact the guard again. You control what I do by your response.

Recovering Lady

I decided to structure my response based on his email, in some cases copying word-for-word:

In March, Recovering Lady wrote:

Narc,

Thank you for completing and submitting applications for medical and dental insurance.

I would not have had to contact [military command] had you given me information about your retirement and about our family’s insurance immediately, instead of letting five days go by without notifying me or taking any action to get our family signed up for the low-cost, comprehensive TriCare Retiree benefits for which your children have been patiently waiting for over 3 months, delaying important appointments in order to avoid the cost.

If you have now submitted the paperwork, I have no need for further contact with the Guard.

I have asked that you stop your risky sexual behavior and get medical help for your addictions. You refused.

You have done enough harm to me and our children by your persistence in seeking sexual encounters online, publicly, in direct violation of Army laws and standards of conduct, and by refusing to have a psychological evaluation which might have resulted in a diagnosis of your ills and availed you of real help with your addiction through the Army’s Behavioral Health program. Instead, you have lost your job, your status, and, according to you, more than $1 million dollars in pension benefits… half of which belonged to me.

I have asked you to get medical help. You have refused.

I am asking again: please get help to end your career-destroying and family-destroying addiction.

Sadly,

Your wife