The experts say: Don't believe anything the addict tells you: Only believe what he DOES.
Your emotional and physical safety should be THE priority here. You set boundaries to protect yourself emotionally and physically. If you are unfamiliar with this concept, it may be difficult for you to understand at first, so I've given you some suggested boundaries below to get started.
This is determining what you consider unacceptable behaviors and making consequences for them. Boundaries are meaningless if not enforced, so do not set boundaries without consequences, and do not set boundaries if you are unwilling or unable to follow through. It is best to put boundaries in writing so you can make them very clear.
If you've been the kind of person who didn't set boundaries before, took care of people, and didn't mind too much when others took advantage of your generosity, it may be hard to set boundaries. This is a very good article about why setting boundaries is a good thing: Huffington Post: Raise the Bar
At first, people around you (especially family members) may be offended when you say "no" and set limits on acceptable behavior. There may be complaints and objections. In the long run, however, the people around you will have more respect for you when you learn to say "No."
Some quotes from the article:
"Healthy people respect healthy boundaries. Boundaries are sexy. Raising the bar means you are a badass. People will crave more of you when you aren't such a giver all the time."
Free stuff is good, but we tend to throw it away quicker, and we often get bored with it.
But valuable stuff -- the stuff we work hard for, the expensive stuff -- we hold onto that! We are proud to have something that wasn't given to us for free!
The same goes for someone who doesn't give away their self-respect and all of their love without requiring people to earn it. If you don't give that away, then those who've earned it will find it immensely valuable!
Everyone in your life -- especially your romantic partner -- must EARN your love every day. Don't give it away.
Consider setting the following boundaries for a sexually addicted spouse in order for the marriage to continue. I listed these under "First Things" but these bear repeating:
Ask him to get STD testing and bring you the printed results. (You might even insist that you be added to his medical records so that you can examine them. This isn't unreasonable if you believe he has exposed you to STDs.)
Ask him to make an appointment with a psychiatrist for a full psychiatric evaluation and give you the name of the doctor and date of the appointment(s). Write up a quick synopsis of what you know of his addiction along with any printed documentation you have collected, and send this to the psychiatrist before your husband goes to the appointment. Your husband is excellent at deceit. Let the doctor witness this by starting with some accurate information. (The doctor will be unable to respond to you or answer any questions from you because of HIPAA privacy, unless your husband agrees to waive this right for you.)
Make an appointment for your husband with a qualified addictions therapist. Go to appointments with him or demand verification that he has attended.
If finances allow, sign the two of you up for a seminar with a qualified sexual addictions program that recognizes your trauma and does not label you (the spouse) as a co-addict. A divorce will be far more expensive than a couple of thousand dollars spent on a sexual addictions workshop for the two of you.
Demand accountability. He must have accountability TO YOU for all appointments and meetings: the doctor or sponsor must verify his attendance to YOU.
Ask him to disclose all his secret email addresses, credit card accounts and memberships.
It is easier to set boundaries immediately after discovery, much harder to do months or years later. If he balks at boundaries, save yourself years of hassle and start researching divorce laws in your state. Make sure you know the laws, because should you choose to leave, you may find yourself unable to throw him out of the house legally for a certain number of years and unwilling to leave it yourself. You may also find that the amount of calculated child and spousal support is far less than you imagined, and that the cost of legal representation is far more than you expected.
My favorite web resource MarriedtoaSexAddict.com is currently on hiatus. Two comments from a discussion there are worth repeating:
"You can't build a fence tall enough." All the boundaries in the world aren't going to protect you from his sexual addiction as long as you stay with him.
"Please do not sentence yourself to this...." Be aware if you set up boundaries with him, you can expect to be enforcing them for the rest of your life. At his core, he is a master manipulator and liar. He's not the "nice" guy you thought.
I believe as spouses of sex addicts, we have been emotionally (and sexually) abused. Perhaps not everyone would agree with this.
The article below talks about setting boundaries to end emotional abuse. You can click the title to read the WikiHow (where the article appears to be updated periodically) or read the version below (editing out information that indicates an abusive partner might actually change for the better – a dangerous assumption).
Realize that you cannot change your partner, only your reaction to him or her. You can attempt to show your partner how damaging these behaviors are and how they are affecting you, and hope your partner will agree that you are being badly damaged. You can hope your partner will then make the decision to change. However, ultimately, you cannot force change.
Realize that the abusiveness in your partner is rooted in multiple layers of their emotions and perspectives. Trying to change them through arguing or persuasion translates to them as the complete denial and devaluation of their experiences and realities. They will feel an immediate instinct to protect the intricacies of their own thought patterns and push your logic away in the process. Remember that you cannot argue logically with an unreasonable person. Also remember that abusive behavior is only a manifestation of abusive thought patterns.
Your energy is most effective when you change yourself. However, take care not to change yourself in order to primarily avoid conflict with your partner. Changing yourself is to be done with an objective mindset, not a defensive or offensive one. Choose a goal for yourself that comes from a well known truth or long-standing reality that is time proven. Do not choose a goal just to soothe a circumstantial issue generated by your partner.
Set new, reasonable terms for the relationship with clear and consistently implemented consequences. Decide (ideally together, but if that isn't possible, decide for yourself) that you're going to learn a new way of being in this relationship. Abuse most often exists because the emotional weaknesses of the abuser demand the exercise of control or torment of others (you) to give them a feeling of emotional security and fulfillment. Read that again, because it's important: Abuse really starts because of insecurity or trust issues with the abuser. It is most often enabled by (1) the victim's inability or failure to recognize the abusive behavior or (2) powerlessness of the victim, as in the case of a child enduring the emotional abuse of a parent. In adult relationships, ultimately, neither partner understands a healthy way to diffuse abuse and to respect each other or themselves. Establish that, effective immediately, all interactions will be honorable, and will specifically and especially exclude: name calling, character attacks/judgments, raised voices, spitting, throwing objects, etc. and that if either partner breaks the agreement, then separation will immediately be imposed until mutual respect is restored. Be prepared to accept that this may never happen, especially in advanced stages of abuse, and that your commitment to a healthy, respectful relationship may result in the termination of this abusive one.
Set boundaries. Abuse, in general, is an issue of disrespect that usually involves trespass upon individual's equality and freedom due to unclear or poorly-defined boundaries. If you are on the receiving end of abuse, it's up to you to set up clear, reasonable boundaries for an honorable relationship and to consistently stick to them. Let your partner know that you now recognize your responsibility in allowing the disrespect in the past, but that this era has now come to an end. Recognize the damage incurred by the previous era and establish a commitment to obtaining the support needed to forgive and restore the peace and strength necessary for mutual respect in all of your future relationships.
Continuing to enforce disrespected boundaries while living with or constantly seeing an abuser will only enable and give the abuser permission to continue the abuse. Your presence is all that is needed for them to translate it into permission. Remember, you are dealing with tragic self centeredness of unfathomable depth and complexity. The abuser sees your commitment to boundaries as a sign that you approve of their abusive behavior and in some way you are there to rescue them from themselves. You are not dealing with a reasonable person. Your logic and ethics are working in the abuser's defense, not shedding a contrasting light for them to use as guidance.
Do not tolerate repeated offenses longer than 30% of the total time you've been in the relationship. If you fail to stop tolerating it, then you must begin realizing your codependent streak and work against it with outside backup. You are not doomed to loneliness and the abuser does not realize or recognize how much they need you to pull away from them right now. You are not abandoning them or the relationship at this point. You have permission to separate.
Develop emotional intelligence. In cases of abuse, both partners are often unknowingly suppressing important emotions. Receivers of abuse are often uncomfortable expressing authentic, respectful anger, which is necessary to establish boundaries. Abusers are often expressing fear, not anger, when abusing. It is the "fight or flight" response that is coming through, and in order to end abuse, both partners must be willing to learn new ways of feeling and expressing their true emotions to end the pattern of blaming, shaming, and punishing. Express your deepest and strongest feelings only in forms where they will receive the fullest respect and support, such as a diary, a blog, a group of very close friends or trusted family members, a professional and respectful psychologist (best by referral only), etc.
Understand the dynamics of relationship. Some relationships are formed on physical attraction only, some on repeating past patterns learned from a parent; some are not of our choosing (as with a parent). Whether you are working out childhood issues on your partner, or simply repeating learned behaviors, it's important to understand that not many relationships are formed in the realm of intellect and emotion. Some remain largely unformed, others change over time. In a perfect world, relationships would be our highest learning playground. Perhaps the one we're with has the most to teach us, and often triggers the most extreme emotional responses. If you feel that it's safe to stay and learn with your partner, then take a good look at the dynamics playing out which have something to teach you. If you don't feel safe enough to stay, but need to end it, then reflect back on what you might learn about the relationship patterns that were in place. The learning may be about valuing yourself, unwinding old traumas, or expressing emotions healthfully.
Source your safety. It's easy to think that your partner is in charge of your safety depending on his or her behavior, but this is not true. You are the only one who can create safety for yourself. You do this by making choices. You have an innate navigational system within yourself that allows you to make decisions which feel right for you, and which will keep you safe and happy. When you learn to pay attention to your instincts, you will know which choices are life affirming, and which ones will drain you of your energy or create chaos.
Get some coaching or professional help. Find a relationship coach or mental health professional who can help you with this issue. It is possible for both partners to unwind emotional abuse if they choose to. Finding a great support system, preferably one that utilizes a holistic, no-blame approach to healing domestic violence will create the healthiest and most successful environment for learning and healing.
Know when to say goodbye. Sometimes, relationships are just wrong and cannot be saved. For your sake, and for the sake of your mental health, try hard to recognize as early as possible whether or not this relationship is even worth working on. The reason we date before marriage is to discover whether or not we are compatible. We thwart that process when we refuse to see that being treated poorly by another adult is unacceptable. If you are unhappy in your relationship, and have been for longer than half the time you have been together, leave. (Example: You have been unhappy for more than two years, but you have only been together for three years.)
Be firm and clear with your decisions to make serious changes in your relationship. At the same time, don't yell or curse.
In some cases, the abuse is so severe or the abuser so unwilling to change that you just need to get out, and get out now. If you have tried to stop the abuse repeatedly without effect, or if your partner is abusing you physically as well, get out. Leave the house, do not say where you can be found, and talk to a professional counselor.
If you choose to end an abusive relationship, be sure to have a good support system in place, and pay attention to all of the choices you need to make to stay safe.
Own any responsibility that is yours in the abuse, and recognize that these elements will likely carry into future relationships unless they are repaired on your part in the current relationship first.
Part of the unfathomable self-centeredness of abusers is the fact that they feel inherently victimized or threatened. Do not try to be a hero or think that you are the one person who has what the abuser always needed. That is a delusion created through the despair of the situation playing on your compassion. Chances are, you were attracted to the abuser because of a codependent streak in your personality. Check for that thoroughly.
Do all the reasonable things you can to create a good relationship before you leave, and allow your partner the same opportunities so that there remains no unresolved business, and no internal blame on yourself for destroying a commitment which could have been repaired.
Edited from misinformation in original article: Understand that there may be laws which prevent you from removing an emotionally abusive person from your home. Seek legal advice, be informed about the laws in your state and country, and do not be afraid to file a protective order.