Acting Out
This information about the background of the term “acting out” is from an article by Jennifer Schneider, Journal of Sex Addiction and Compulsivity, vol. 12, number 2-3, 2005
The addiction lives and thrives in fantasy. For some sex addicts, all of the addiction remains in fantasy. For others, the addiction involves other people. But for all sex addicts, central to the addiction is the creation of a play—this is where we get the term acting out. He is the producer, writer, director, the only star, and the audience. He can speed up the play or slow it down. He can change a scene at will or use an alternate ending. And when not acting out, the play is stored in fantasy so it never ends. Sex addicts can vividly recall images of people they have acted out with or of pornography they viewed many years earlier. The fantasy—the play—gives the illusion that all desires have been met and that all cravings and desires have been satisfied.
The ritualization is very narcissistic. No one is allowed into the play—at least not as a person. If the play is to involve others, humans musts be dehumanized, and non-human things are humanized.
The play can be called up from memory at any time. When a sex addict cannot “act out” he can always replay the play in his mind and often get a powerful rush as though he is acting out.
The ritual trance is refined and reinforced as greater pleasure is desired. Nothing is tolerated that might interrupt the trance!
For some sex addicts, their addiction includes the use of alcohol and/or drugs. And just as they have rituals around their sexual acting out, they have rituals around the use of these substances. And, they find that they are unable to act out unless all of the ingredients in the ritual recipe are present.
The play may escalate over time and take the “actor” into increasingly charged situations, increased danger, including people where previously the acting out had been solo, being involved in riskier behaviors, using animals, using inanimate objects, sex toys, being involved in predator behaviors like voyeurism, using hidden cameras, or exhibitionism. Cybersex can escalate to child pornography which is a federal offense.
All the while, the sex addict's marital sex life has significantly deteriorated, because all of his energy is going in a different direction.
Examples of Acting Out Behaviors
(From research conducted by Dr. Patrick Carnes)
Level One Behaviors are generally accepted or at least tolerated by society (though they may not be discussed).
Compulsive masturbation, sometimes to the point of injury
Compulsive use of porn (from magazines, to video and DVD, Internet, and pornographic video games)
Compulsive relationships
Sexual boundary violations at work
Prostitution
Anonymous sex
Frequenting adult-oriented businesses (for example, strip clubs, adult book stores, modeling studios, and massage parlors, which are typically an unlicensed person working out of their apartment or small shopping center)
Many level one sex addicts believe they do not have a problem or that they can control their behavior since they do not constantly do those behaviors.
Level Two Behaviors are intrusive enough to carry significant legal penalties. A key to this level is that there are legal sanctions and there are victims.
Exhibitionism
Voyeurism
Professional boundary violations (that is, physicians, attorneys, therapists, and clergy)
Indecent phone calls
Other lewd conduct like frotherism—touching someone in a sexual manner without their permission.
Level Three Behaviors violate our most significant boundaries.
Child molestation
Possessing (downloading) child pornography
Incest
Rape
Other sexual behaviors involving violence
People anyone struggling with a sex addiction, the phrase “acting out” refers to the actual behavior that is associated with the addiction. These behaviors are self-defined. For example, a person with a porn addiction might run up a credit card bill by purchasing internet pornography or sneak off to the adult theater to watch a movie. For some people with sex addiction, acting out might mean engaging in acts of voyeurism or exhibitionism, engaging in sexual acts with strangers, or other illicit types of sexual activity. The behaviors are often very compelling to the individuals with sex addiction before they engage in them, but afterward leave the addict feeling shameful and remorseful. The uncontrollable, nagging urge to engage in these acting out behaviors is generally referred to as “compulsive desire”. For some, viewing pornography may not be a problem but affairs may be and are considered acting out to that person.
Acting out is often painful, costly, high-risk or somehow dangerous. The consequences of these behaviors, and the individual’s inability to stop in spite of these consequences, are often what allows for a sex addiction diagnosis. Simply put, if a person was not a sex addict then he or she would stop these behaviors based on their consequences. When it becomes clear that sex addiction is at work, it is time to implement a program of recovery.
In sex addiction, acting out behaviors gradually worsen over time. For the watchful eye, it can be seen that acting out includes:
Behaviors that are obviously dangerous to the addict or to another individual, and that they must be stopped to avoid major medical, financial, or legal consequences.
Behaviors that could cause the addict to lose either a job or primary relationship.
Behaviors that risk the physical safety of the addict.
For the person who is actively participating in a recovery program of some kind, there are signs to watch for that can indicate that the addict may be about to engage in sex addiction behaviors. These signs include:
Behaviors that indicate that the addict is dealing with shaky sobriety
Recognizable and characteristic patterns of ritual behavior that has accompanied acting out in the past
Seductive or trust-building behaviors toward others, which may indicate the addict is grooming someone to accept sexual advances
The individual familiar with sex addiction and with acting out will acknowledge there are some positive consequences to the behavior, though they tend to be short lived. For the person dealing with sex addiction, acting out can bring a temporary “high”, or numbing of negative emotions. There can be a sense of relief, the feeling that everything is okay again. If the acting out behavior associated with an individual’s sex addiction is infrequent, some addicts have reported a temporary lessening of anxiety and depression. It is important to note however that these seemingly positive consequences are always short-term and do not last.
There are also negative consequences for acting out. These consequences, unfortunately, are not necessarily short term and may require damage control; there can be medical, financial, and legal consequences for acting out on sex addiction behaviors. There are also relationships that can be negatively affected, as well as threats to the physical safety of both the addict and surrounding individuals.
Almost always the addict will feel shame, guilt and self-hatred following a period of acting out. The person struggling with sex addiction will have mood swings as a result of the cycle of acting out and withdrawal (which are the physiological and psychological symptoms that occur when the behavior is stopped).
