Hoovering

http://www.luke173ministries.org/629759

Hoovering: The various ploys and lame excuses your disordered ex will use after you’ve ended the relationship to try to suck you back in and get you to respond.

Hoovering will occur most frequently during the first year of no contact, but also occurs when you try to limit contact. If you ignore hovering tactics, these will usually decrease with time, although hoovering can continue for a decade or more, especially is your ex loses another "supply."

Hoovering is usually calculated to appeal to your sentimentality and timed to catch you at a weak moment, when you may be feeling vulnerable or nostalgic. It is a manipulation meant to toy with your emotions in an effort to get you to respond.

Hoovering often conveys a sense of urgency and pressure - to get you to call your abuser back before you have a chance to think. If your abuser leaves a message that Auntie Ida is in the hospital and it’s very important that you call him back so he can tell you what’s going on, do NOT fall for it. You can get the same information by calling the hospital or Auntie Ida yourself, or by calling her husband or kids directly. Let them know you heard the news, you’re thinking of them and praying for them, and see if there’s anything you can do for them. Show them how nice you are, and make your abuser look crazy for badmouthing you. Do not allow your abuser to think he is your only source of information about, and your only connection to, the rest of your family. You don’t need him to be a go-between. DO NOT respond to any impression of urgency with anything but a long delay. Nothing in your abuser’s life requires your immediate attention. Take the time to think about it and figure out what’s really going on and how you might want to handle it in a way that’s best for YOU, which probably means not getting involved at all.

Hoovering takes on many disguises. You can expect contact at the following times:

  • Before or during the holidays- expect calls, e-mails, surprise visits, cards and gifts for you and your children, possibly sent along with other people. Especially on Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day, if you really want to enjoy a nice, peaceful holiday with your loved ones, make sure you lock the door, take your phone off the hook, plug in the electric fence, pull up the drawbridge, and throw the crocodiles in the moat. A word to the wise.

  • Big occasions- expect birthday cards for you and your children, invitations to your abuser’s anniversary, wedding, retirement, or birthday party, and calls “informing” you of other relatives’ weddings, births of babies, etc.

  • Illnesses or deaths- expect a call or e-mail when anyone gets sick or dies, even a distant relative. You can also expect your abuser to have a few medical "emergencies" which, for some reason, require contacting you.

  • Some Nonsense They Just HAVE TO Ask You Or Tell You About- It could be "Do you remember Jill who used to live next door to us?" I ran into her and she wanted to say Hi to you, so I'm just letting you know. I need to know if it's okay to give her your number." It could also be "My boss is buying a house and he needs the name of the lawyer you used when you bought your house, so let me know." How about, "We're having the Smiths over for dinner Saturday night and I need your broccoli casserole recipe. I know you don't want to talk to me, but it will only take you a minute to call me back." Or, "Aunt Trish is coming for a visit and I want to show her the pictures from your 6th grade graduation (or your kid's pictures), so can you send them to me? I'll get them back to you as soon as I can." Another favorite ploy: "Mom wants to know if you still have Grandma's necklace that she gave you twenty years ago. If you're not using it anymore, she'd like it back." If you don't reply, which you shouldn't, then you can expect several more testy calls or e-mails getting progressively more insistent that you call or e-mail back, just for a second.

Ignore, ignore, ignore, and if they show up at your door, call the police.

Be prepared for The Sneak Attack- contact when you least expect it and through a source you least expect. Some examples of the Sneak Attack include:

  • Expect to be contacted through third parties. Your abuser will often enlist a friend or relative to approach you for her, and deliver news that she is ailing, depressed, getting old, sorry for all that’s happened, or whatever else she can think of to make you feel guilty and relent.

  • Expect your abuser to circumvent you and go behind your back to contact your husband and children, in an attempt to maintain a relationship with them that doesn’t include you. Your abuser might also try contacting your friends and neighbors to express her “concern” for you, pump them for information, and to try to influence YOUR friends to take HER side.

  • My personal favorite: Somewhere along the line, expect to get a package of decades-old junk, like cards you gave your mother (why on earth would she be giving them back to you?), drawings you made when you were in grammar school, old photographs, and maybe even a home movie or two. This is a mind game meant to mess with your head. Throw them out, keep them, enjoy them, whatever, but DO NOT respond.