4 Anger
Why me? It's not fair!
How can this be happening to me?
Who is to blame?
For me, true anger did not hit until seven months after the initial Discovery.
February 2011 Journal Entry: The Tower Falls
This week I feel like I did on September 11, 2001. Remember that moment when the first tower fell... the gut wrenching horror? They replayed it over and over on the news. I watched in stunned disbelief because that tower falling WAS real, though it could not possibly be real and I was sure at some point I'd wake up from the nightmare.
I felt my marriage collapse just like that when I found the porn video downloads on the laptop that had been stored away seven months earlier.
One of my sons had casually mentioned he'd seen his father viewing porn on his laptop in the kitchen months earlier, before D-Day, when the laptop got put away indefinitely. I got the idea that maybe I ought to check the laptop, which I had not done before. I'd already put "protections" on it, but I never thought to look for downloads. WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH ME???? I couldn't imagine that he would have downloaded such things to a laptop the kids could potentially access.
I found the porn video stash. There were dozens of free porn videos that had been downloaded to the hard drive. These included “gang bangs,” lesbian sex, and anal sex. One was a naked woman having sex in a cake shop with lots of people watching. The observers all participated in covering her with icing. There was every kind of degrading filth you can imagine, and yes, I watched it. He had put some (not all) of it in the Trash but not bothered to empty the Trash bin. And then I found the photo he'd apparently used for his Craig's List personals. I didn't know much about that, but I informed myself via Google.
I. Am. Sick.
Even the way I found this on the computer … He COULD HAVE erased these things, but he put them in the “Trash” without emptying it. How do you not erase the trash???? I think: it was another set-up for failure. Surely he knew I would eventually find it. And he didn’t even Trash ALL of the videos – a few were still right in the video folder.
Somehow, the porn videos have hit me the hardest of anything so far. Maybe because it is more “real.” Porn is so UGLY. It isn’t sexy. It’s painful to watch and degrading to all involved. None of this is about love.
I'm horrified. Horrified that this is the father of my children. Horrified that this person told me every day that he loved me. Horrified that I had any sympathy or desire to forgive him when I first discovered his sexual addiction. I do not know this person. I feel violated (the videos were somehow much worse than imagining a prostitute). I want to puke. But I have to hold it together for the kids. And for me.
I realize his bad habits and bad choices are too ingrained. He’s exposed himself to these things for a long time and I don’t know how he can ever really undo the damage. This was his choice. He walked this road instead of choosing another. I’m crushed as I can be. There is no going back. I don’t see how I can ever have a loving and fulfilling sex life with him now that I’ve seen who he is and how he thinks.
I never thought I'd be in the place where I'd see no other option but divorce. I BELIEVED in sacramental love. I really did. I was willing to accept imperfections and I was willing to generously love. I believed in partnership. Teamwork. Mutual respect. Now as I look back I see that I was mostly parenting alone, living with a selfish person who had no respect for me. I'm looking inside my heart right now and there's no love left. It's just completely gone. As excruciatingly painful as this is, after the past seven months of agony, it feels sort of liberating.
I am NOT looking forward to this next year. Splitting assets? Custody? This is going to be a journey through the thickest, muckiest poo imaginable. What will this do to the kids? Argh.
I am 47. I'm in the Third Quarter of my life. I have a future – no matter what it looks like exactly, it will be a better future. I want to have courage to see change as an opportunity not a failure.
February 2011: Anger Therapy
Dr. X wanted me to do anger therapy. I told her I wasn't ready; I couldn't tap in to my anger. She said, "What are you afraid of?" I didn't know. She said, "You are ready. When we set a date for it, you will be ready."
We made the appointment, and it turned out to be prophetic. Days before the appointment, I had discovered the porn videos on his laptop.
When I went for angry therapy, yes, I was angry! We met at a facility where I would have privacy, and could be as loud as I wanted.
First Dr. X asked me to write a letter to my husband, and tell him why I felt angry. I wrote it on my laptop, which was very convenient and comfortable. Then she asked me to read it out loud, as if to him. I did so with great emotion.
As finished the letter, I began to cry. Dr. X told me to delete the letter (if it had been handwritten, I would have torn it up or burned it). She then handed me a Nerf bat and a cushioned cube to beat. She instructed me to beat the cube and vocalize whatever felt right. I could beat the cube as long as I felt like it.
I guess I beat that cube and screamed at it for 15 minutes. Maybe half an hour. I was physically and emotional exhausted, and my arm was sore for days after. I also had some blisters on my fingers from gripping the bat so hard. But I felt CLEANSED. The anger hadn't exactly disappeared: it was more like it had been confronted, and it felt very good!
Afterwards, Dr. X suggested I go to church, as noon Mass was conveniently just beginning.
The story didn't end there.
Immediately after Mass, I saw a very conservative, Catholic friend. When I said I was probably getting a divorce, she slapped me on the back and blurted out, "Well, finally, you're dumping that cheatin' son of a bitch!" I was floored not only by her choice of language, but that she knew my husband to be unfaithful, and she supported my growing desire to divorce! (I would later lose some of my other Catholic friends because of my "sinful" divorce.)
An hour after Mass, as I stood in a line at a pharmacy, my head spinning with thoughts that maybe divorce was a reasonable option after all, a stranger turned to me and said, "You must be very blessed. There are diamonds in your hair!" Indeed, a shaft of light from a skylight was grazing the top of my head and my few gray hairs were sparkling. I said to him, "You must be a messenger from heaven." He agreed that he was. I turned away for a moment, and when I looked back he was gone.
I felt that God was telling me that it was okay to change direction from trying to save my marriage to letting it go. That day, a black cloud lifted, and I began to breathe again.
By ALEXANDRA KATEHAKIS, MFT, CST, CSAT
Anger is a normal response to the traumatic experience of having been betrayed by your mate.
But it can also be a feeling that is difficult to tolerate. Some people dive into anger fully, while others avoid experiencing feelings of rage, and sometimes, people are afraid of their own angry feelings.
As a force, anger can be put to positive and constructive uses, and it can also be very destructive.
An important piece regarding anger is the acknowledgement of the emotion. Being in touch with your feelings and identifying that you are angry is crucial toward this process of releasing the anger. This is followed by an examination of the underlying issues.
Some have an easier time expressing anger. But the anger can become out of control, and we may find ourselves engaging in explosive, irrational behaviors that we later may regret.
Others fear expressing anger and avoid it. Perhaps they fear losing control. Regardless, if anger is not appropriately acknowledged and expressed, it can be turned inward, and there is a risk of engaging in self-defeating or self-destructive behaviors, such as blaming oneself for others’ inappropriate or hurtful behaviors or actions.
Anger in and of itself often is a coverup for other painful feelings, such as embarrassment, shame, humiliation, fear and sadness. When not expressed in a healthy way, anger can come out “sideways” as being distant, expressing sarcasm, or creating ruminative thoughts and fantasies about the object of one’s anger having bad things happen to them.
Sideways anger often simmers just beneath the surface and can be very vengeful and destructive. While the revenge may provide fleeting moments of satisfaction, indirectly expressing anger can lessen one’s self-esteem and self-worth.
Some helpful techniques to deal with anger are:
journaling or writing down emotions;
engaging in exercise or physical activity;
calling a trusted friend; and
talking about the feelings of anger openly.
It’s important to be able to sit with the anger, and not brush it under the rug or ignore it.
At the same time, healthful expression of anger means knowing we are angry. Make the choice to examine what the consequences of acting out in anger are prior to engaging in hurtful behaviors that could potentially damage our relationships and self-esteem.
Anger can be positive. It can protect us from threats, and mobilize us to act. Anger also can be negative. It can create more chaos and destruction, and keep us in toxic cycles of retaliatory behaviors. Learning how to harness our feelings of anger through acknowledgment, validation, and integration of positive coping tools is crucial to keeping our lives in balance.
