Real Love
After living with a man who didn't love me for more than 24 years, I had to ask myself a few hard questions:
Why did I fall in love with this addictive person?
Why did I MARRY a person I knew so little about?
Why did I enable him for so long by overlooking so many flaws?
Is there a pattern in my romantic relationships that I don't want to repeat?
What mistakes do I need to correct in future relationships?
Do I understand the differences between men and women?
What about ME needs to change in order to have a healthy romantic relationship, if I choose to?
As I look at my male friends, which ones do I admire as good husbands and fathers, and what are the outstanding qualities about those men?
In the end, because I am a writer, I wrote a description of the kind of man I wanted to have in my life in the future.
I'm looking for a man who has integrity. What he looks like on the outside needs to match who he is on the inside. There is nothing more important to me than honesty. I love a good laugh - and I really appreciate cleverness. Clever humor. Clever problem solving. My ideal partner loves learning new things and embraces each day as an opportunity. He's not afraid of an independent, confident woman. He doesn't NEED a woman; he wants an equal partner. He enjoys children and participating in family life.
Presumably every woman will have her own unique description of Mr. Right. What does your Mr. Right look like?
An Unhealthy Relationship
In your recovery, be sure to educate yourself about the warning signs of unhealthy relationships. Somehow, you managed to live in an unhealthy relationship for a long time. It's worth examining that.
I have asked myself many times, how did I live so long with deceit before I saw it? For me, the complicated answer includes the following: I believed in sacramental marriage. I was willing to overlook his flaws because I thought that was what spouses were supposed to do. I thought the positives outweighed the negatives. I believed he felt empathy as I did. I thought he had a conscience like mine, and that he wouldn't be able to sleep at night if he lied to me. I trusted him absolutely and believed he was honest with me. I felt sorry for him because his mother had died when he was young, and that was the excuse for many of his idiosyncrasies. And finally ... I didn't think I was worthy of anything better.
Eleven warning signs of unhealthy relationships
Ten signs you may be in an unhealthy relationship
What does A Healthy Relationship look like?
In 24 years with my ex-husband, I had grown used to "making the best of the situation." From the very beginning, I would overlook his immaturity, irresponsibility, mood swings, alcoholic misbehaviors and blame, telling myself that he was a Good Man, and I was lucky to have him. I believed that love was a decision (as we were told in our Pre-Cana classes). I chose to love. No matter what.
I had no idea what it could be like to be so head-over-heels in love with someone that this choice would be a pleasure rather than a burden. I was so used to disappointment, I couldn't imagine Love that could be fresh and exciting every day.
As I see it now, real love is friendship, respect, trust and equality. It includes open communication, humor, mutual concern, independence, honestly, faithfulness, gift-giving, and a shared spirituality. People in real love aren't afraid to argue, and they aren't hesitant to apologize. Real Love is wildly passionate although sex isn't the most important part of the relationship. Real Lovemaking is NEVER disappointing. Wow.
I feel confident that I'm not "rationalizing" Real Love that doesn't exist when I read various articles about what constitutes a healthy relationship:
Eight Signs You're in the Right Relationship
Six Sure Signs of a Healthy Relationship
Finding Mr. Right: Dating Again
Nowadays, people meet in different ways than they used to. I know many people who have met through the internet. Obviously, this isn't without risks. Before you go online, be sure to inform yourself about how these sites work. You DON'T want to end up with another weird creep!
Some Basic Important Info About Online Dating: Ten Dos and Donts
Perils and Pitfalls of Online Dating: How to Protect Yourself
Getting on Match.com was an experience. It seemed like "online shopping." I read a lot of profiles for what appeared to be guys on the make and also some very lonely, desperate guys.
Read between the lines, ladies. I think there are a lot of deceitful profiles out there.
Make sure you create a special email account for a dating website, if you choose to use it. Don't give out your address, phone number or name unless you really feel ready to do so. When you're ready to exchange names, research the guy on the web to find out if he is really who he says he is.
eHarmony Survey: Desirable traits vs. Relationship Deal-Breakers
What singles want: Survey looks at attraction, turnoffs
When you find the right kind of guy...
Now what? What obstacles will you have to overcome?
This article from the Wall Street Journal is about second marriages, but a lot of it applies to a committed relationship that hasn't yet graduated to marriage, or maybe never will.
Good article on Second Marriages from the Wall Street Journal
The truth is, your sex addict's betrayal will leave you scuffed up a bit. My counselor tells me not to think of myself as damaged, but I'm not so sure. Four years after "Discovery," and feeling quite "Recovered," I am now having more frequent PTSD-type episodes as I continue to navigate a horrific three-year divorce battle with a narcissist. (A narcissist won't negotiate, won't put the children's interests first, and will make every attempt to inflict pain and misery. It is hard to remain happy and optimistic in the onslaught.)
I find it interesting to observe myself and discover the things that "trigger" me. A "trigger" may bring on sadness, fear, anger... I have found myself unreasonably reacting to something someone else does or says because of memories of my husband's behavior before, during and after his betrayal.
I believe I will carry some of this with me for the rest of my life. Even as I take responsibility for my own happiness and my own life choices, I will never be the same person I was before I discovered that I had lived half my life with a brilliant liar.
At the same time, I am happily dating again and enjoying a fulfilling relationship with a man of integrity: the man who fits the description I wrote, and so much more. The most difficult hurdles we have had in our relationship are: my never-ending divorce, my unstable nearly-ex spouse, my special needs kids, and the fact that to protect my economic assets, I cannot consider remarriage until after age 55, if ever.
My suggestion–after watching several friends quickly become engaged or married after divorce, only to have another heartbreak–is to take it slow anyway. I prefer to think that obstacles to another committed relationship exist to make us ponder and consider carefully.
We SHOULD be wary!
Neither one of you knows what sorts of issues will crop up related to your psychological injuries... or his. (If he has issues and baggage from prior relationships, you'll be dealing with his too.)
Having open discussions, learning to argue constructively, and having gratitude for another opportunity for love are three things that have helped me learn to love generously and authentically.
What Women and Men Each Fear Most
10 Keys to A Successful Romantic Relationship
What about ... Sex?
After discovery of my husband's addiction, and my struggle to finally see that he wasn't going to get better, I had no desire for a sexual relationship with a man. I was crying too much! I couldn't imagine sex with anyone but the only partner I had had for the past 26 years.
I felt angry that my sex life had been destroyed.
When I stopped crying and got through the majority of my grief cycle, I entered a horny phase as described in the book Rebuilding. I want to reiterate again how much reading and discussing that book with my separated and divorced girlfriends helped me. I cannot stress this enough. During the time of grief, leaning on girlfriends was essential to my recovery.
The problem is, we may enter the horny phase BEFORE we start dating, before we're even really ready to start dating.
It is helpful to read that this is normal. Also good to think about it logically before the horny phase starts, and be careful about jumping into something we're not ready for just because we're feeling horny.
A Healthy Sexual Relationship
I feared that the massive betrayal by my ex-husband would leave me damaged sexually. I wanted to be able to trust again. I wanted to be able to enjoy a "normal" monogamous sex life with a man.
Having lived in a "disordered" sexual relationship for such a long time, would I be able to do that?
I like this next article, which looks at whether sex needs to be fireworks from the beginning, or if it's a skill that is learned in a relationship. I tend to think it needs to be a little bit of both.
In my new maturity and older body, I am learning to care less about looking perfect, and more about showing my man appreciation through physical affection and verbal compliments.
For Women: Five Reasons You Should Make Love to Your Man Every Night