Co-dependent: NOT

From Wikipedia:

Codependency (or codependence, interdependency ) is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (as in an addiction to alcohol or heroin); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of or control of another. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships. Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns. Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent.

https://www.drjanicecaudill.com/partners-recovery.html#3

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I searched myself, and I never truly believed the codependency label applied to me. Another wife of a sex addict and I discussed it early on, and I would like to share what she wrote:

I am reminded of a point where I have problems with all "anons" – they maintain that I can continue to live with the addict if I fix myself up optimally and detach with love. A COSA or other type of co-anon would probably tell me that I do not have to suffer my husbands mood swings. That I do not have to allow his mood to effect me. That I should detach with love. I tell you I have a real problem with that. I have even wondered if all the Anon stuff is outdated socially– Al-anon sprung from the 50s and 60s when women did not have an option to leave the addict. So did the best advice become a "better way" to "tolerate the intolerable"???? Mind you, I am just throwing that out there as something I have never been 100% comfortable with. It causes me some restless thinking – am I missing something or is there a flaw?

I completely accept that Only I am responsible for my "reactions" and responses. I get this! The Alanon/Coanon idea that I didn't cause it, I cant control it, and I cant cure it. ( I get that too!). And keeping the focus on Me and My recovery from a sick mindset and release from a whole set of patterns that I developed and used while living with an addict. Ok ok (and I take responsibility, too!).......But I am uncomfortable with continuing to live with my addict. I cannot imagine ever taking my husband back into my home. The idea is repulsive. Where would he live? The basement? Do I have to cook for him? Would I have to eat dinner with him? Does he get to watch TV? Does he get to chose what channels? Would he sit next to me? Ack.

At a COSA meeting I asked the other women – all of whom were living with their addicts – why do you continue with the marriage? You are not really supposed to ask questions outright like that, it is not appropriate anon behavior in a meeting. I asked it any way at the end of the meeting. The responses varied, but mostly they said they believed their husbands to be "good men."

So here is my problem: why would I continue to put myself into a situation that is ugly just cause I can learn techniques to protect myself?

Let me think of an analogy. Likely it will be a silly one. Ok. Got one.

In ancient Crete they had acrobats that leaped over charging bulls. So maybe I can learn to leap over a charging bull. If so, would I then consider it a good idea to pitch my tent in the pasture where there lives an angry bull?

In my continual searching for information about sexual addiction, I happened upon this blog. I feel for this wife/blogger. She IS a co-dependent, because for whatever reason, she stays. She threatens to leave, but she never does.