Choosing an Attorney
One of the most important issues in approaching divorce is selecting your attorney.
If you are divorcing a narcissist, you can predict that it will be protracted, painful, and expensive. His goal will be to destroy you financially and emotionally.
The most important things you need to do are:
Familiarize yourself with state divorce laws.
Interview attorneys, and hire someone who has the time and expertise to help you in the specifics of your case.
Read advice on how to deal with a narcissist, and follow the suggestions.
Weinberger Law Group in New Jersey has some reasonable advice for those of us divorcing a narcissist. I'm reprinting some of it here.
https://www.weinbergerlawgroup.com/blog/divorce-family-law/signs-of-high-conflict-divorce/
Divorcing a narcissist is far more challenging than divorcing a “regular person.” Here are some important tips and tools you can use to keep conflict in your divorce to a minimum.
Why is divorcing a narcissist so difficult? The Narcissist’s core personality traits – lack of empathy, interpersonal exploitation, thirst for attention – go into overdrive as he tries to defend against the shame of a failed marriage. Because the Narcissist feels entitled to do anything to “win,” you must learn what to expect and develop strategies to protect yourself and your children.
Divorcing a Narcissist: What to Expect
Narcissists blame everything on you. The Narcissist’s grandiosity prevents her from owning her part in problems. That means you are the one who ruined the marriage, you are the one who’s screwing up the children, and you are the one who’s responsible for anything in her life that’s less than perfect. Expect that you will always be the fall guy and don’t try to prove your innocence.
Divorcing a Narcissist: Tips
Don’t defend yourself. Narcissists love to engage you in arguments, so don’t take the bait! Defending yourself against their claims of your shoddy personhood or unfit parenting will just invite more attacks. When communicating, don’t apologize or justify your position; just stick to the facts.
Don’t show emotion. A narcissist wants to stay emotionally engaged with you, even if he or she initiated the divorce. Allowing you to move on feels like a loss of control, something your ex can’t tolerate. In order to keep you engaged, a narcissist may pull nasty punches: shower you with hostile texts, e-mails, and voice mails; bad-mouth you to the children, and anyone else who will listen; make false allegations against you, and find any opportunity to make you feel crazy, stupid, and incompetent. If you respond defensively, try to explain why you are right, yell, or break down in tears, consider that you will only be providing the narcissist with the self-gratification of seeing you miserable. What to do instead? Stay calm, try to disengage as quickly as you can from the real-time or virtual conversation, and save your emotional reactions for your therapist’s office.
5 Mistakes Narcissists Make In Divorce – And How To Use These To Your Advantage June 27, 2019Common Mistakes Narcissists Make In Divorce
Hiding assets. Narcissists don’t care what’s fair. They go to great pains to hide marital assets, sometimes setting up secret accounts, “lending” money to friends, or stashing cash in safe-deposit boxes. Because they’re so grandiose, they don’t believe they’ll ever get caught.
Playing games with child support. Narcissists don’t seem to understand that failing to pay child support in full and on time hurts the children. Their primary goal is to punish you, and what better way to do it than hurt you financially and make single parenting difficult? However, courts don’t like it when a parent uses the children as pawns to get back at an ex.
Stalling or failing to provide documentation. Narcissists can’t stand anyone “knowing their business.” They will stall or withhold documentation, dragging out discovery as long as possible – and often angering a judge in the process.
Refusal to negotiate. In order to negotiate, you need to be flexible in your thinking, capable of reciprocity, and able to manage emotions. None of these is the narcissist’s strong suit! Their inability to compromise can make mediation and out-of-court settlement impossible. Because judges want to know that couples have tried to mediate their differences, the narcissist’s rigidity can work against him.
Making threats. Narcissists are bullies. They try to intimidate you by threatening to take you to court, get full child custody, or bleed you dry. They’re fond of terrorizing you via email and text because these methods give them 24/7 access to your frazzled nervous system. Make sure to save their threatening emails for evidence.
Use Narcissist Divorce Mistakes To Your Advantage
Compel them to provide information. Judges don’t like it when spouses are uncooperative. Ask the court to compel your spouse to provide the documentation he’s withholding.
Hire a forensic accountant. If your spouse has turned hiding assets into a hobby, consider hiring a forensic accountant who’s trained to uncover financial fraud.
Ask for fees and sanctions. Narcissists think they can get away with bad behavior. Show him there are consequences for failure to follow court orders. Ask the court to sanction your spouse for obstructing procedures or violating orders, and also pay for your attorney’s fees.
Garnish wages. Is your spouse a child support dodger? File a motion with the court to garnish his wages. This means child support will be automatically deducted from your spouse’s paycheck so you don’t have to chase after it.
Narcissists don’t “get over it.” Even if they initiated the divorce, have a new significant other, a new baby, or otherwise appear to be living the life of Riley. You are, and will always be, a reminder that something in their life failed. The only way a Narcissist can tolerate failure is to punish you for tarnishing their image. Expect litigation to go on and on…and on.
Expect a narcissist to use the kids as pawns. The Narcissist will try to hurt you by obstructing your relationship with your children. In their black-and-white worldview, they are The Good Parent and you are The Bad Parent. Minor parenting snafus will be conflated into allegations of child abuse and neglect. The Narcissist will never recognize that the kids suffer when they’re pressured to take sides, so attempts to amicably co-parent will most likely fail.
Narcissists create drama. The Narcissist’s relentless need for attention and “anything to win” philosophy means that you’re probably heading for a high-conflict divorce. Some classic high-conflict moves include: bad-mouthing, cyber-bullying, threats, interfering with your visitation time, turning molehills into mountains.
Narcissists lack conflict resolution skills. Resolving conflict requires recognizing that other people have basic rights, are entitled to their own point-of-view, and that there is more than one way to solve a problem. Narcissists lack the self-awareness and flexible thinking to do any of these things, which is why mediation often fails.
Conventional divorce wisdom often doesn’t apply to divorce with a Narcissist, and can even make things worse. Remember: your ex doesn’t recognize rights and boundaries, so advice to “compromise” will just turn you into the human doormat he thinks you are.
Here are some tips for surviving divorce from a Narcissist.
2. Maintain boundaries. Narcissists will steamroll over others to get what they want, so you must be vigilant about enforcing your boundaries. Refer to court orders, don’t respond immediately to texts and e-mails, and don’t allow your ex to intrude on your visitation time with frequent calls and texts to your children.
3. It’s okay to tell your kids your side of the story. This doesn’t mean you tell your kids what a nightmare your ex is, but it does mean you can and should counter outrageous lies and defamation of character with the facts. When speaking with your kids, keep the emotional charge out of your voice. If they have problems or concerns about you, advise them to speak to you directly instead of getting your ex involved.
4. Don’t take what your ex says about you personally. Narcissists tend to project their own flaws onto others, so don’t waste time being wounded. If you find yourself reeling after yet another hostile e-mail listing your many transgressions, silently repeat this mantra: “what my ex thinks about me is none of my business.”
5. Don’t listen to advice from friends and family. They mean well, but they probably don’t understand that garden-variety divorce wisdom doesn’t apply to your crazy situation. Your ex isn’t going to get over it, put the kids first, or otherwise behave like a rational human being. So the next time your friends reassure you that your ex can’t be “that unreasonable,” or will one day “come around and do what’s right for the kids,” thank them for their concern and say you’d rather not discuss your divorce.
1. Hire a attorneys who has a strategy for dealing with Narcissists. Ask your attorney how he will settle your case with an ex who wants to engage you in perpetual battle and run up your legal fees. Aggressive family law attorneys tend to exacerbate conflict, not resolve it. You want a lawyer who does not respond to every crazy allegation, generate mountains of paperwork, or advise you to go to court over minor issues.
2. Document everything. Narcissists lie, so keep careful records and make copies of important documents. You never know when you will be hauled into court, so be prepared! Judges don’t like being deceived, so exposing your ex’s lies could get the judge to rule in your favor.
3. Develop a drama-free communication style. Although it may be tempting to respond to your ex’s hostility with sarcasm, rage, or defensiveness, resist the urge! Remember: your ex wants to engage you in battle, so the best way to disengage is to separate your feelings from the information that needs to be exchanged. If you don’t think you can open your ex’s e-mail without blowing a gasket, ask a friend to read it for you. Then cool off before responding.
4. Practice self-care. Divorcing a Narcissist is exhausting, so make sure you take care of yourself: exercise, eat regularly, sleep, see friends, get therapy and take medication if needed.
Set boundaries on the time you spend dealing with your divorce. You do not need to respond to every text or e-mail from your ex; once a day is sufficient. Get a good night’s sleep by avoiding divorce “work” – documentation, responding to correspondence – just before bedtime. Take regular “divorce vacations.” This means that you refrain from talking about your Narcissist ex when you’re out with friends, or on a date. Taking time away from divorce will help you recharge your batteries and enjoy the good things in your life.
Are you dealing with a narcissist in your divorce? Our attorneys have the experience and skills required to minimize conflict. Please contact us today to schedule your free attorney consultation.
Read More:
Divorcing a Narcissist: 5 Strategies for Getting Through It
divorce is trying to wade through all the information about how to do it the “right” way and decide what’s right for you. Well-meaning friends and family may give you advice that tends to apply to someone with a reasonable ex. But what if you don’t have one of those? When you have a spouse who tends to be a narcissist, it can mean that you may in for additional stress or all-out war in your divorce…unless you learn how to defuse this high conflict personality type. What works to keep tension in check? Here are five strategies to help you get through your divorce from a narcissist with your sanity intact.
Educate yourself about narcissism. As much as you would like to have an amicable divorce, when divorcing a narcissist, you must accept that you most likely will not have one. By definition, narcissists tend to be emotional manipulative; they thrive on chaos and drama. Despite what your optimistic friends and family tell you, a former spouse with narcissistic tendencies might not “play fair” or put the children’s needs ahead of his or her own.
Still, despite these negatives, there are ways to protect yourself and the divorce process itself. Read books about narcissism to learn helpful ways to interact with this personality type without getting sucked into the drama. Hire a family law attorney skilled in navigating high-conflict divorce proceedings. And see a therapist trained in high-conflict divorce, because that’s the kind of divorce you’re going to have.
Be prepared to litigate—but don’t immediately discount mediation either. Mediation works best when two parties can discuss issues calmly face-to-face and entertain collaborative solutions. A high-conflict ex is simply not going to participate in that kind of process. On the other hand, because high-conflict personalities tend to feed on conflict, litigation with such a person often spirals out of control, resulting in a protracted, expensive, and emotionally draining court process. Consider a middle ground: Look for a mediator with experience implementing a highly structured process. This kind of mediator will help you stick to an agenda, will encourage frequent attorney consultations, and will caucus as necessary with each of you, reducing the emphasis on face-to-face interaction. Think of this style as akin to “shuttle diplomacy,” a term inspired by Secretary of State Henry Kissinger, and later President Jimmy Carter, two skillful international mediators who achieved results by moving back and forth between hostile Middle Eastern powers in the 1970’s. Above all, don’t let your partner use mediation to wear down your defenses. Keep your attorney and your therapist or “divorce coach” close at hand, and insist on ending a mediation session—or moving on to court—before agreeing to anything that you know is not fair and reasonable.
Adopt a “just the facts ma’am” communication style. Remember: when interacting with a narcissist, a good goal is to disengage as quickly as possible. While it may be tempting to respond to any vitriol thrown at you with your own sarcastic comeback, or to defend your position, doing these things will just provide the narcissist with the hoped for emotional response and invite more drama. Instead, take yourself and your pride out of the equation and imagine that you’re a journalist reporting the facts of a story. Your job is to communicate about logistics and financial matters such as child support, not set the narcissist straight.
Keep firm boundaries. Narcissists believe that the only rules worth following are their own, while other people’s rules are meant to be broken. To maintain order and control in your life, you must be vigilant about setting and keeping firm boundaries. Unless there is a true time-sensitive issue, you really don’t need to respond to your ex’s texts and e-mails immediately. And stick to your court-ordered visitation plan. Do not let your former spouse manipulate you into inconveniencing yourself and your children just to suit his or her schedule.
Implementing these strategies won’t necessarily get you the settlement you want, but they will help you get through your divorce so you can enjoy the rest of your life.
If you’re divorcing a narcissist, you probably feel like no match for their aggressive behavior. But here’s something you need to know: the qualities that make narcissists so intimidating – grandiosity, rule-breaking, bullying – are often the same traits that are the source of the narcissist’s undoing in divorce. Narcissists are prone to making mistakes through their high conflict ways, and you can use these mistakes to your advantage Here’s how…
Narcissists, by definition, are inherently unreasonable and manipulative. They also think they’re above the law, which leads them to take risks that can backfire. Here’s a list of common mistakes narcissists make during divorce.
The narcissist expects you to roll over. Don’t do it. Hire a family law attorney who understands narcissist divorce. Expose the mistakes your spouse thinks he can get away with by doing the following:
Above all, be the reasonable one. Stop expecting, or begging, the narcissist to be fair. Instead, counter their unreasonable behavior with your own steady, measured behavior. Don’t return hostility with hostility. Focus on communicating facts. Don’t accuse him or her of having a personality disorder; instead document actions that will provide evidence of your spouse’s unreasonable and unethical behavior.
March 3, 2016
narcissist sees their kids as extensions of themselves. They cannot tolerate the thought that their children might grow up to chart their own course.
Sharing child custody loosens narcissists’ sense of control. They become terrified that their children might love the other parent more, or be more like that parent. How do they try to regain control? Often, it’s to embark on a mission to get the children back on their “side.”
Some narcissistic parents may actually believe the other parent is evil, and may view themselves as their child’s rescuer. Some may simply have more Machiavellian intentions. Either way, a narcissistic parent won’t hesitate to use children as weapons in the battle against their ex as a way to amp up an already high conflict divorce. Does this describe your ex? Here’s how to tell.
Signs Of A Manipulative Parent
Inappropriate communication Narcissists in their words and actions, often send their children the message that it’s not okay to enjoy time with the other parent. A narcissistic parent will get angry or distraught when kids return from time spent with the other parent – especially if they’ve have had a good time.
Interferes with visitation. A narcissistic parent will give the children choices about visitation or manipulate them into refusing visitation: “Would you rather go to Disneyland or spend a boring weekend stuck at your mom’s?”
Makes up or distorts information. A narcissistic parent will put her own “spin” on details to brainwash the child into thinking the other parent is dangerous or incompetent.
Shares adult-only information about the marriage and divorce. The manipulative parent may even alter the truth in order to get the kids to blame the other parent: “Dad says you wanted the divorce.”
Poor boundaries. A manipulative parent aligns with the child against the other parent. She will not let her kids have their own feelings and experiences. If she hates the ex, the kids must too.
Uses the child as a messenger. “Mom says I don’t have to like your girlfriend/visit your mother/make my own lunch.”
Monitors the kids’ phone conversations with the other parent. A manipulative parent will listen and/or tell the child what to say. If the child is at the other parent’s house, the manipulative parent might try to monopolize his child’s visit with that parent by frequent or lengthy phone conversations at, say, dinnertime.
Threats of self-harm. In extreme situations, manipulative parents will threaten suicide if they don’t get what they want, i.e. sole custody.
Children of divorce who are manipulated by parents suffer long-term psychological consequences. They may have trouble recognizing or feeling entitled to their own feelings. As adults, they may feel smothered in romantic relationships because of growing up with an enmeshed parent. They learn how to create drama, not resolve conflict, so they often duplicate the same tumultuous interpersonal style.
Yet children of manipulative parents can be helped with appropriate interventions, including parents agreeing to a model know as parallel parenting. In an upcoming post, we will discuss strategies for protecting kids whose parents use them as weapons.