Emotional Abuse

In my opinion, the behavior of the sex addict is both emotional and physical abuse of the spouse. Read these articles and see if you also make the connection.

Written by Natasha Tracy

The effects of physical abuse are obvious – a black eye, a cut or a bruise – but the effects of emotional abuse may be harder to spot. Emotionally abusive husbands or wives can affect mood, sex drive, work, school and other areas of life. Make no mistake about it; the effects of emotional abuse can be just as severe as those from physical abuse.

And perhaps even worse is the fact that victims of emotional abuse tend to blame themselves and minimize their abuse, saying that it was "only" emotional and "at least he/she didn't hit me." But minimizing adult emotional abuse won't help and it won't hide its devastating effects.

Short-Term Effects of Emotional Abuse

Short-term effects of an emotionally abusive husband or wife often have to do with the surprise of being in the situation or the questioning of just how the situation arose. Some emotional abusers don't begin their abuse until well into a relationship. Husbands or wives may find themselves shocked to see the new, emotionally abusive behavior. The behavior and thoughts of the victim then change in response to the emotional abuse.

Short-term effects of emotional abuse include:

  • Surprise and confusion

  • Questioning of one's own memory, "did that really happen?"

  • Anxiety or fear; hypervigilence

  • Shame or guilt

  • Aggression (as a defense to the abuse)

  • Becoming overly passive or compliant

  • Frequent crying

  • Avoidance of eye contact

  • Feeling powerless and defeated as nothing you do ever seems to be right (learned helplessness)

  • Feeling like you're "walking on eggshells"

  • Feeling manipulated, used and controlled

  • Feeling undesirable

A partner may also find themselves trying to do anything possible to bring the relationship back to the way it was before the abuse.

Long-Term Effects of Emotional Abuse

In long-term emotionally abusive situations, the victim has such low self-esteem that they often feel they cannot leave their abuser and that they are not worthy of a non-abusive relationship. Adult emotional abuse leads to the victim believing the terrible things that the abuser says about him/her. Emotional abuse victims often think they're "going crazy."

  • Effects of long-term emotional abuse by significant others, boyfriends or girlfriends include:

  • Depression

  • Withdrawal

  • Low self-esteem and self-worth

  • Emotional instability

  • Sleep disturbances

  • Physical pain without cause

  • Suicidal ideation, thoughts or attempts

  • Extreme dependence on the abuser

  • Underachievement

  • Inability to trust

  • Feeling trapped and alone

  • Substance abuse

Stockholm Syndrome is also common in long-term abuse situations. In Stockholm Syndrome, the victim is so terrified of the abuser that the victim overly identifies and becomes bonded with the abuser in an attempt to stop the abuse. The victim will even defend their abuser and their emotionally abusive actions.

Written by Natasha Tracy

When someone pictures an emotionally abusive man or woman, they often picture some sort of caricature. They might picture someone of a lower socioeconomic status, a blue collar worker or an uptight housewife. No matter what picture of an emotionally abusive person you have in your head, you are wrong because emotionally abusive men and women run the gamut and no group of people is immune. In fact, if a group of people were to sit in a room, drinking coffee, you would have no way of pointing out which were the emotionally abusive men and women. There are no outward signs of an emotionally abusive person. There may even be no signs when interacting with them, as abusers tend to be able to turn their abusive behavior on and off when convenient.

Emotionally Abusive Men and Women Seek Control

No matter who the emotionally abusive person is, they seek power and control over their victim. Children are the most common victims of emotional abuse for just this reason – parents want to completely dominate and control their children into doing what is "right." Similarly, a husband or wife may abuse their spouse to control them into "behaving correctly," in the mind of the abuser.

Emotional abusers seek to have their way irrespective of those around them, assuming that their way is "best," "right," or simply most convenient for them. Ironically, many people who emotionally abuse do so because they themselves are scared of being controlled.

Characteristics of Emotionally Abusive Men and Women

Emotionally abusive men and women are of all different types but some common characteristics are found among many of the abusers. Emotional abusers tend to believe they are "owed" by everyone and thus everyone (including their victim) should give them what they want. This makes them feel entitled to give orders, control and abuse in order to get what they want. Similarly, emotionally abusive people tend to be self-centered to the point where they feel they can, and should, tell others what they are thinking and feeling.

For men, this may be the idea that men are superior to woman and they believe in stereotyped male and female roles. They often talk about being the "man of the house." An abuser also might claim to be superior due to their background or ethnicity.

Other characteristics of emotionally abusive men and women include:

  • Low self-esteem – some abusers abuse others to make themselves feel good about themselves, although some people feel that the opposite is true in many cases.

  • Rush into relationships – some abusers enter relationships and claim "love at first sight" very quickly, perhaps fearing being alone. (Read about: Signs of Emotionally Abusive Relationships)

  • Extreme jealousy – an abuser may see jealousy as a sign of love rather than possessiveness.

  • Having unrealistic expectations or demands – an abuser will demand that the victim be the perfect spouse, lover and friend and fill every need, even when this isn't reasonable or healthy.

  • Create isolation – an abuser will work to cut off ties to the victim to keep the victim completely centered on the abuser.

  • Use of force during sex – acting out scenarios where the victim is helpless may be part of their sex life.

  • Use drinking to cope with stress – alcohol doesn't cause the abusive behaviors but abusers have a higher-than-average rate of alcohol abuse

  • Have poor communication skills – abusers may have trouble with open conversations about their feelings so they abuse instead.

  • Are hypersensitive – abusers often take the slightest action as a personal attack.

  • Appear charming to others – abusers tend to hide all their abusive behaviors in other scenarios so that the victim is the only one that sees their abusive side making it very difficult for the victim to reach out for help.

And although emotionally abusive people set out to purposefully hurt victims, they often minimize their role and blame the victim for the abuse. "She made me do it," or "He should have known not to talk to me when I was in that kind of mood." Abusers often claim they have no control over their abusive behaviors.

Personality Disorders and Emotionally Abusive Men and Women

It is also known that many emotionally abusive men and women have a type of mental illness known as a personality disorder. Personality disorders are estimated to affect about 10-15% of the population. In the case of a personality disorder, a person develops hurtful and maladaptive patterns of thought and behavior that are consistent throughout their lifetime.

Three personality disorders linked to emotionally abusive behavior are:

  • Narcissistic personality disorder – this disorder involves the perception of being grandiose and requiring the admiration of others. People with narcissistic personality disorder exaggerate their own accomplishments, have a sense of entitlement, exploit others, lack empathy, envy others and are arrogant.

  • Antisocial personality disorder – this disorder shows a pattern of disregard for the rights of others and the rules of society. People with antisocial personality disorder tend to lie, be aggressive, disregard safety, violate the law and have a lack of remorse.

  • Borderline personality disorder – this disorder involves intense and unstable relationships, self-perception and moods. People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) tend to have poor impulse control. People with BPD frantically avoid abandonment, are impulsive, are suicidal or self-harming, feel empty, feel inappropriate anger and may be paranoid.