It's Not Your Fault
Most partners carry the burden of the same secret fear: that it is some lack in them that has caused the addict to seek sexual experiences outside of the relationship. The fear goes something like this:
If I were thinner, had bigger breasts, was taller, had tighter thighs, had a prettier face…then he would not be looking at pornography on the Internet.
If I were stronger, more athletic, made more money, had gotten that promotion, performed better sexually…then he would not be having sex with random strangers.
If I were less demanding, more compliant, expected less from him, worked harder to please him and make him happy with me…then he would not be involved in one affair after another.
Sexual betrayal often triggers pre-existing doubts and insecurities. Partners can begin to fearfully wonder if perhaps it is their fault that their partner is sexually addicted.
It is not your fault. You have not caused the addict’s sexual behavior. Sexual addiction is caused by a complex set of dynamics related to the addict’s past and present and how he or she has and is coping with their life story. To understand more about what sexual addiction is and how it can develop in a person’s life see What is Sexual Addiction.
If you have a partner with a sexual addiction, you need this book. Partly because it will reassure you that it isn't your fault, you can't fix it and you are NOT a co-addict.
Chapter 9 "From the Hearts of Sex Addicts Who 'Get It' and Care" is written by sex addicts who appear to actually be in recovery. If your sexually addicted spouse isn't taking full responsibility as these writers do, you can be sure he is NOT in recovery.
The excerpts below are all written by sex addicts who are apparently actually in recovery.
A Sex Addict reassures partners: It isn't your fault
To the wives who are partners of sex addicts:
You didn't do anything to cause this. It isn't your fault.
Be as truthful as you can about your anger and pain.
Hold him responsible, but you can't fix him.
It's okay to grieve the loss.
To the husbands who are sex addicts:
Suck it up and take responsibility for your behaviors.
Quit lying to youself that no one is being hurt. Even in the secret, there is a barrier, a lie between you and your wife.
Become truthful, to an excess.
Open up your life, be accountable.
After you work on the behaviors, start working on the underlying problems.
A Sex Addict on Taking Responsibility
"Even though she begged me to be completely honest, I just couldn't do it. I believed that if I were completely honest, she would leave me. In addition to that, I was not willing to take full responsibility for my actions. In my heart, I believed my actions were caused by how she treated me. Today I categorically know this is not the case. my unwillingness to take full responsibility lasted for quite some time. This resulted in me sporadically spewing out a little more truth. This hurt her deeply. Each time I gave a little more truth, I was re-injuring her. She was traumatized all over again. Not only did this cause more pain, it also gave her tangible evidence that I cannot be trusted. it got to the point that she told me the lies were worse than the truth."
A Sex Addict explains Addiction:
"Things deteriorated over the years. As technology changed and my resistance diminished, I found that behaviors I'd previously deemed unthinkable became quite normalized. All this while being deeply conflicted, ashamed and terrified of being discovered.
"Many days, I woke up not wondering if I'd yield to temptation, but wondering how bad it would be. For several months at a time, I stopped taking communion when I went to church, knowing that the next day i'd probably be back at my addiction again.
"Even thought, at times, I shared aspects of my struggle (including going to counseling), no one, including myself, understood and realized the extent to which this sin-sickness was consuming my soul. But soon I became desperate; I saw clearly that I was being destroyed and was no longer able to hide my secret life. I disclosed all to my wife, parents, selected friends. For the next few months, I tried to change my life through counseling and accountability relationship.
"However, I did not really understand how deeply embedded the addiction was in my soul, nor did I or those around me have a clue about the recovery process. And, in retrospect, I never really stopped addictive behavior. While I cut off the worst forms of acting out, there were many "minor" concessions I was continuing to make to lust. Soon, I was in full relapse and too frightened, proud, and self-deceived to admit it."
A Sex Addict takes responsibility
"Our former pastor described the impact of my addiction on my wife as like that of a truck driving through a beautiful stained-glass window.
"My actions ruined our marriage beyond repair."
A Sex Addict on Safeguards:
"...I have developed a lifestyle of rigorous honesty, routine accountability and behavioral safeguards, knowing that I am still vulnerable to temptation and self-deception."
A Sex Addict isn't sorry until his wife leaves him
"What I'm about to say makes me ashamed of myself, but this is the truth: When I was caught twelve years ago, when I was caught two years ago and when my wife was in the middle of her turmoil, I did not care. As she rolled around on the floor in tears, I didn't think of her. I didn't really care about her feelings. I just wanted her to stop crying. I actually wondered if there was a ball game on television. Or was there any leftover fried chicken from last night?
"The woman I had been married to for nineteen years - the woman I had two children with and shared thousands of hours with - she was laying there in pain and agony, and all I could think about was me. Did I apologize? Sure, but I didn't really mean the words. They were just words. My thoughts hadn't changed on the subject, so why would the behavior change? I thought i was justified. My friends tried to tell me to clean up y act, but I didn't want to hear it. I was the master of my domain.
"Six months ago my wife decided that she didn't want me anymore. She had been betrayed one too many times and didn't want any more of my kicks in the stomach. Soon after our separation, she began divorce proceedings. It was about that same time that she also began to date. Bingo! Light on! At that very moment, something changed. Not a total change, but something in me was brewing and I didn't like the lack of control.
"I went to my wife and told her I wanted back, I would change, I was sorry. Yadda, yadda, yadda. She rejected me. I couldn't believe it! I tried harder, yet again she rejected me. She continued dating. Something began to change. My heart was ripped out. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't work. I didn't want to live. I began taking an antidepressant to help me cope. What was happening to me? The guy who has his cake and eats it too was not getting his way! I couldn't survive. Each moment - especially the nights - became a horrifying experience. I hated my life. I hated myself. I was in a bad place. I didn't know it at the time, but I had been broken. Now it was me lying on the floor crying.
"God was knocking on my door. He took me to a place he needed me to go. He was aware that my life was out of control, that I needed help and that I wouldn't listen until I was broken. I lost my wife. I lost my kids. I lost my house. I lost my friends. I lost basically everything. In those weeks and months following my brokenness, God spoke to me and educated me. He explained to me that it is He who sits on the throne - not I. It is God who gave His life for me, and the life He wants me to have does not involve going outside of my marriage.
"I needed help and it is through the help I received that today I can honestly say that I finally get it. I finally care about that beautiful woman lying on the floor crying. I wish I had been man enough to pick her up and hug her. Better yet, I wish I had been man enough to not go outside our marriage in the first place. I cannot say that I know how she felt, or how she feels even now, but I can honestly say that I have spent long hours reflecting on her pain and what it must have been life. I began to look deep inside myself and to realized that I broke the ultimate vow. I didn't play fair: I treated the one who loved me the most as if she didn't matter."
"Today my future is cloudy. I love my wife and want another chance, but she may never be able to give me one. Yet I'm hopeful that in time she will see my heart change and she will give me a chance to cherish her the way I should have all of those nineteen years. And i hope that she can realized that when I went outside the marriage it had nothing to do with her. She's beautiful; she's young; she's wonderful. The reason I went outside of the marriage was me. I learned that behavior prior to our wedding, and I continued it throughout our marriage. My wish for all the women out there who read this is for you to understand that what he's done is not your fault.
"If my wife is not willing to remarry me, I will move on. With God's help, I must do this. I will continue my recovery, recognizing that like an alcoholic, I'm never fixed."
A Sex Addict who is also a therapist specializing in sexual addictions:
"...let me just acknowledge and validate the pain that wives go through when hearing of their husband's infidelities whether that's actual adultery or a figurative form such as pornography, compulsive masturbation, habitual, willful fantasy or any other kind of compromise to the sacred and holy marital covenant. It's been my experience in treating hundreds of men and marriages for such sexual and relational problems that there are few things that are more painful for a woman than sexual unfaithfulness.
"Sadly, this pain is often compounded by dishonesty and lack of forthrightness. In fact, more than once a wife has told me after learning of her husband's mistakes that she felt confident she could handle the trespass but devastated by the lack of truthfulness about it. It's as if the lying far overshadowed the sin itself. Conversely, when men have been honest with what's happened to the degree that a wife requires, more often than not, I've seen wives able to not only handle the truth but also be extraordinarily gracious and forgiving."