Divorce: a Year to Decide
I am adapting this from an article by Virginia Gilbert. I didn't like her article because she put the emphasis on partners going to 12-step programs for their co-dependency. Partners of sex addicts are not necessarily co-addicts, so I've rewritten this. If you like, you can read the original here.
The One-Year Rule
The discovery of a partner's sexual compulsivity is a wake-up call. IF both partners are committed to recovery, the marriage could actually be transformed into a real union marked by genuine intimacy and integrity. This is a big IF, as many sex addicts also have personality and mood disorders that stand in the way of recovery. Determining whether the addict is willing to commit to treatment takes time. Unless physical abuse is present or children's safety is threatened, sex addiction therapists recommend that addicts and their partners spend a year in treatment before deciding whether to stay or go.
The following is a suggested treatment plan for couples dealing with sexual acting-out within a marriage. For the sake of clarity, I refer to addicts as "he" and partners as "she," although the reverse can be true.
What the Addict Needs to Do
Commit himself to treatment. This should involve individual therapy with a sex addiction specialist, therapist-facilitated support groups [not 12-step groups with no qualified facilitator] and, depending on the severity of the acting-out behaviors, an inpatient or intensive outpatient treatment program.
Be accountable. Addicts choose to cheat; they are not driven to cheat by their partners. The first step in an addict's recovery is to take responsibility for hurting his partner and threatening his family's stability. If an addict doesn't genuinely take ownership of his behaviors, recovery is not possible.
Identify and abstain from bottom-line behaviors. These may include affairs, prostitutes, massage parlors, chat rooms, masturbating to porn. Weekly therapy, internet and phone monitoring, accountability to the spouse and periodic use of lie detector tests can help the addict avoid slippery-slope behaviors and also help the spouse to regain trust.
Disclosure. Disclosures are facilitated by therapists in couples sessions. Typically, the addict reads aloud his sexual history, including behaviors that occurred within the marriage. The therapist will assist the couple in processing this information and setting boundaries for acceptable behavior. The disclosure is crucial: the spouse needs to know the extent of her partner's addiction in order to decide whether she can stay in the marriage.
What the Partner Needs to Do
Commit to her own recovery. Partners tend to be caretakers who structure their lives around the addict. Their own needs, wants, and values are often obscured by years of self-neglect due to "other focus." Further, it is draining living with someone whose attention is always elsewhere. The partner must shift her focus from the addict to her own mental, emotional, and physical health.
Get appropriate treatment. This means individual therapy with a sex addiction specialist familiar with both the trauma-based model and co-dependency, peer support groups online or in person, and education about addictions and personality disorders. Although partners are never responsible for the addict's actions, they need to learn why they were drawn to a relationship with a disordered person with a diminished capacity for intimacy.
Manage her own treatment, not the addict's. The discovery of the addict's behavior is intensely traumatic. Partners often become hypervigilant, trying to control the addict to prevent further trauma. Snooping through the addict's belongings, calling multiple times a day to check the addict's whereabouts, telling the addict's therapist how to treat the addict are understandable responses to trauma, but can actually be re-traumatizing, in addition to shifting the focus from where it needs to be: on her own recovery. The partner must learn the only behavior she can control is her own.
Rebuild her life. Whether she decides to stay in the relationship or end it, she needs to set personal goals that will enhance her life. This may mean taking charge of finances, seeking paid work, developing a self-care program, and nurturing relationships with friends and family.
When It's Time to Leave
After one year of treatment, a partner should have enough information to make her decision. If the addict has never truly committed to recovery, attended therapy erratically, never gave a formal disclosure of his sexual history and continued to act out sexually, the relationship is probably not salvageable.
Hopefully, in that year, the traumatized partner has diligently attended individual therapy, has developed a strong support network, reconnected with family and friends, and set up a separate bank account. If it is clear the addict is not invested in saving the marriage, a spouse may now be emotionally and logistically ready to leave.
Even when a situation as destructive as sex addiction is present, a partner should not leave a marriage in haste, despite what friends or family may urge. Taking a year to focus on personal growth – whether or not the addict chooses to do the same – will give partners clarity and empower them to make the decision that is right for them.