An excellent resource is a website by Shari Cohn, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Sex Therapist, Psychotherapist and Certified Sex Addiction Therapist in Madison, Wisconsin.
One of her blogs covers Best Gifts Sex Addicts can give their Partners. I have rewritten it so that you can print it out and give it to your Sex Addict. It's downloadable at the bottom of the page. Laminate it!
I have little confidence that a sex addict will change, but I do think it is fair to give him the opportunity.
------
To my Sexually Addicted Spouse:
Do not give me apologies or flowers or jewelry. The best gifts you can give me are:
Sobriety
Honesty
Accountability
Responsibility
Empathy
Commitment to Recovery
Sobriety. Name and stop the destructive sexual behaviors. If you don't identify your problematic behaviors are then you can't end them.
Honesty. NO MORE LIES. I know being honest is very difficult for you. Your worlds have become so jumbled that you do not know what the truth is. You feel shame about yourself and your behaviors. You may feel that you aren't worth the time and effort it takes to be honest. You must analyze the rationalizations. Bring the secrets out into the open. Evaluate the addiction cycles. Stop justifying and excusing damaging behaviors.
Accountability. Be willing to name what you did in the past. You must be transparent about what you are doing now. You must be committed to total honesty in the future.
Responsibility. Be committed to authenticity and reliability. Show me that I can depend upon you. Understand the negative effects on our relationship every time you break my trust. You must be answerable for your actions. You must desire accountability for your behaviors.
Empathy. Recognize the damage you have done to me and to our family. Have compassion and respect for me. Seeing and feeling the trauma and grief caused by your actions. Feel remorse for your behaviors – but repentance alone is not enough. Understand that trust repeatedly abused does not easily become reestablished. Commit yourself to learning about and understanding the fear I feel when I risk trusting you another time knowing that you may very well devastate me by breaking that trust.
Commitment to Recovery. Do whatever it takes to get into recovery and stay in recovery. Do this for yourself, not for me. Accept and acknowledge that you will need to continue to monitor your thoughts, feelings and behavior for the rest of your life. If you cannot do this, you risk relapsing into old patterns and risky behaviors with severe consequences. Recovery is not just about being sober. It is learning about and valuing yourself, doing self-care, developing honest loving relationships, and learning about healthy non-addicted sexuality.