Divorce Your Narcissist

The Secret to Divorcing a Narcissist

"All of your emotions and what you feel are irrelevant. The minute you react to that person, you are already losing the battle. Stop feeling and start thinking." - Attorney Robert Farzad

You can and should read books on divorcing a narcissist. I'd like to mention a few basic things I've learned from my own experience and from reading posts from support groups.

I just found this resource for divorcing a narcissist http://dalkeithpress.com/info/divorcing-a-narcissist.aspx. I have not read these materials, but I would love to hear from anyone who has.

Filing for Divorce or Separation

If you show signs of wanting to separate, he may try to get the upper hand by filing first, at the same time as he is protesting that he wants to reconcile or admonishing you for wanting to "destroy the family" and your "sacramental marriage."

I suggest you file as soon as you can so that YOU have the upper hand. If you can file fault divorce, do so. (Don't try to "spare" him embarrassment. You will regret it later.)

Escalating

When you threaten to leave or actually leave a narcissist, he may react with rage. His erratic behavior may escalate. This is how he retaliates for your rejection. You cannot imagine the lies he may concoct... until he actually does. The only thing you can be sure of is that he will go on the attack, and he will fabricate all sorts of lies. If he does not do this immediately, it will happen later.

If you threaten or get a restraining order, you can expect more rage. Be emotionally and physically prepared for this.

Do not show fear in the face of his escalation. The more you react, the more he will escalate because it produces the desired response. Go back and re-read the quote at the top of this page.

Your best defense will be to document everything: emails, text messages, financial statements, phone conversations.

Smear Campaign

Because the narcissist cannot admit his own responsibility in destroying a marriage, he must make you look like the bad guy. He will do everything in his power to make you look bad. Expect that a certain number of family members and friends will buy his delusional accusations. It's all about blaming you, typically for the very things that he himself is doing. (See also Unfit Parent, below.)

He will accuse you of being unforgiving when he cannot forgive you for leaving him.
He will say you are delaying the divorce, although he is the one who refuses to negotiate.
He will tell people you are demanding too much money, while he is withholding support payments.
He will say you refuse to accept his "generous" settlement offers, although he rescinds them before you can reply.
He will say you're making him spend a fortune on attorneys, when you're paying more for attorneys than he is.
He will accuse you of making him lose his job when his sexual addiction is uncovered and his employer fires him.
He will say he thinks you're plotting to kill him, when he's fantasizing your demise.
He will say you're a hypocrite while he is behaving in the most unChristian manner.
He will accuse you of infidelity because he is sleeping with somebody.

Your reaction to these ridiculous accusations must be without emotion, if at all. Let go of attempts to defend yourself to friends and family members. They will believe what they choose to believe. Appreciate the support of the friends and family who stand by you.

Custody

If you file for full custody, he will retaliate by filing for full custody.

A good mom can lose custody when her powerful, charming narcissist decides to destroy her. Do not assume the legal system with protect you. Do not assume a lawyer will protect you. Do what you need to protect yourself.

It helps to keep in mind that the narcissist does NOT actually want the kids. He wants to HURT YOU because you have rejected him. The more you seem hurt or scared about this (or any) issue, the more he will press it.

The narcissist goes for custody for a number of reasons:

It scares you and gets you emotional.
It's an issue that can drag out the legal process, making it more costly and painful for you.
He doesn't want to give you money for child support.
It makes him "look good" to get custody of the kids, vindicating him and making you look unfit and crazy in the process.

My attorney suggested I request shared custody, even though I was a full-time stay-at-home mom. While he threatened to file for "full custody" on a number of occasions, my attorney told me these were idle threats and to ignore them. Indeed, because I didn't react, it never went any further than threats. In fact, ultimately he did not want a written agreement for custody because he figured out that he could manipulate me by NOT taking the kids, forcing me to have 100% child care responsibilities. I prefer he sees it that way!

One thing you can do is appear very concerned about the money. Then he will focus more on money and less on custody. Understand that if he has a lot of income and you don't, he's going to win financially anyway. You may as well accept this up front. At least if you make finances the battlefield, there will be less reason for him to make custody an issue.

Accuses you of being "unfit"

No doubt he will consistently accuse you of being a "bad" or "unfit" parent via email and text or in court. This is the same as the smear campaign mentioned above.

He will accuse you of badmouthing him to the kids when he is badmouthing you.
He will accuse you of leaving them unattended because he is leaving them unattended.
- He will accuse you of being uncooperative when he makes unreasonable demands for last minute changes to the schedule.
He will accuse you of preventing him from seeing them, even if he keeps canceling his scheduled visits.

If he accuses you of being unstable or unfit, demand that he shows proof. Be prepared to meet his accusations with a factual, dispassionate rebuttal.

Prepare to Defend Yourself

Prepare a Fact Sheet: Who has the home? Where have the children lived? Where do they go to school? Who has been the primary care provider? Cite that it is not in the kids' best interest to have their primary caretaker taken from them.
Document Appointments. Compile a spreadsheet of children's medical appointments, activities and school conferences and which parent(s) attended.
Show Continuity. Show that you will keep things consistent and stable, with little variation before and after separation and divorce.
Character Witnesses. Ask teachers, doctors, pastor, church members, therapists, and neighbors to write letters to testify to your consistent parenting.
If he is unstable, document every incidence of abuse, whether it be financial, physical, or emotional. Record dates and specific details. Show proofs such as emails or witnesses.
Make copies of emails or recordings in which he attacks you.

Keep in mind, if he is lying, he won't be able to keep his facts straight. When he changes his story, be prepared to point this out.

How the Narcissist Wins in Court

The narcissist appears charming and sincere, while you appear nervous and upset.
The narcissist attempts to play victim or hero... or both.
The narcissist controls you by fear and gets you to react emotionally. The narcissist knows how to push your buttons, and will attempt to get you to react, making you look erratic, irrational, jealous or vindictive. It is very important for you to control your emotions.
The narcissist may get his family members and friends to write or make statements against you.
The narcissist may convince a new girlfriend or wife to lie for him because she wants to present herself as the better mom.
The narcissist may threaten children either physically or emotionally, and get them to accuse you of neglect or abuse, or get them to say they want to live with him.
Many attorneys and judges have some narcissistic traits themselves, which is why they are drawn to positions of power and control. NPD is a pathologic form of narcissism but a healthy narcissist will relate and sympathize with those who share some of their qualities.

The narcissist tells lies, but he will not have real evidence to back these up. He hopes no one will bother to confirm his accusations. It's your job to prepare to meet his accusations with concrete evidence.

In Hearings and Evaluations

Never show anger. You can cry, but anger in a woman is seen as crazy and out of control.
Do not show fear, even if you are afraid.
Be polite.
Practice your responses to questions with a friend or in front of a mirror.
- Wear a conservative dress. You will be judged on your appearance.