Rebuilding When a Relationship Ends
When I realized that my husband wasn't going to put any real effort into recovery, and that divorce was my only option, I created a small support group of friends going through divorce or recently divorced. We met weekly and read and discussed chapter by chapter a book called Rebuilding by Dr. Bruce Fisher and Dr. Robert Alberti. Using the book gave us structure and support for our journey. The book walked us through a pyramid of "Rebuilding Blocks" which brought us to healing. There were certain blocks we continued to go back to, for example the chapter on Anger.
It was easy and empowering to find other women I knew who were divorcing and invite them to join me in reading the book. Of the eight women initially invited, four of us met regularly, and a fifth joined us about a year later. This was a nice, intimate group. It was very good to have each other for support during a time when our happily married friends were either unable or unwilling to understand or offer comfort.
I should mention, there were women who we invited who weren't ready to move on. They weren't interested in joining us and it seemed clear this was because they were stuck in a particular place. The four of us who met regularly were motivated to get OUT of the negative places we were emotionally.
More than two years later, I can say that each of the women in my group has recovered well from the devastation of ending a long-term marriage. We are pursuing our interests, have developed new and strong friendships and relationships, and we're all happier than ever.
by Dr. Bruce Fisher and Dr. Robert Alberti (1981, 1992, 2000, 2006)
Excerpt:
There is an adjustment process after a divorce–with a beginning, an end, and specific steps of learning along the way. ...
The steps of the adjustment process are arranged into a pyramid of "Rebuilding Blocks" to symbolize a mountain. Rebuilding means climbing that mountain, and for most of us it's a difficult journey. some people don't have the strength and stamina to make it to the top; they stop off somewhere on the trail. ...
Let us assure you that the climb is worth it! The rewards at the top make the tough climb worthwhile.
Reservations about the book:
I found this book incredibly helpful, but there were a couple of things that bothered me. I was glad to read this review by Wayne & Tamara (no longer on the web) that expressed my reservations so well:
Appendix B carries Bruce Fisher’s byline. It contains a very ill-considered statement. “When a relationship is not working as well as it should, both parties are equally responsible for the malfunctions.” (Italics from the book)
That statement is untrue. When one party breaks a contract, both parties are not responsible. Many situations—including sexual or verbal or emotional abuse, controlling behavior and alcoholism, among others—call for termination. They do not involve equal responsibility either in creation or in termination.
In addition, Appendices B and C are on the “Healing Separation" and don’t belong in a book about starting over after divorce. (Refers to 3rd edition of this book)
